Today was Colonic Day. It’s hard to think of it as anything else. My brain knew it when I went to bed last night (and it conjured some pretty vivid dream imagery revolving around tubes and water jets and being swallowed by a toilet). And my body knew it when I woke up this morning (it wanted to curl into a little ball and stay in bed). But after my lemon cayenne water, wheat grass, and green sprout juice, it was time for the big C.

How exactly do you dress for your first colonic? If I needed an aromatherapy candle to get through my first enema, would I need to wear a silk cocktail dress to woo my bum into submission? Or is slinky lingerie better? Or should I wear drab brown army barrack hand-me-downs in case there’s a mishap? I opted for cozy, soft sweats and fresh toenail polish.

As I approached The Detox Lounge (which sounds like some trendy wine bar, but then I'm detoxing and can't think about wine.), I felt a knot in my stomach (or was it my colon, rebelling?) I couldn’t help thinking about the movie LA Story, with Steve Martin and Sarah Jessica Parker. In the movie, Sarah Jessica Parker drags Steve Martin out for a colonic date, and afterwards, she says, “It really clears out your head.” Steve says, “Head? You should go back in there and tell them they're doing it wrong.” That’s all I could think of. That somehow, I have gone from being an ordinary girl from Florida to being being one of those Californians the rest of the country makes fun of!. But bring it on...

The uber-sweet owner, Grace, ushered me into the colonic hydrotherapy treatment room with the gentlest words and a great big hug. After I inserted the tube (which looks very much like the suction catheter we use during C-sections), Grace covered me with towels and a warm water bottle and turned on the squirts. It felt much different than I imagined. My mind had conjured high-powered window washer hoses being inserted in my bum, sort of like the water enemas you get from riding the more daring water slides at Wet ‘n’ Wild. But it was much more gentle that that. Other than the rectal pressure and abdominal cramps, it really wasn’t so bad. Not exactly relaxing, but better than my vivid imagination.

It wasn’t until the very end that I was overcome by a sudden wave of nausea, light-headedness, and a headache. Like a wave, it crashed over me and transformed me from my usual feel-good, high-energy self to a dizzy, achy lump. Grace reassured me it was normal, and Lita and Tricia had prepared me for the possible detox symptoms, but it had been such smooth sailing so far that I guess I thought I’d get off Scot-free. But no. The real detox had begun.

Tricia says it’s not uncommon. The colonic (and the cleanse) stir up toxic waste that normally gets stored in our cells, where it causes cellular damage. But in the process of mobilizing the toxins so they can be excreted, they wind up in the bloodstream, and it’s like a tidal wave of toxic crap flooding your complacent little eco-system. No wonder I felt like I’d been hit by a dump truck.

The headache and nausea disappeared after a few hours, but the wooziness stuck around until I decided to fight it by shaking my ass. An hour-long hike among the magestic redwoods at Muir Woods (which is a rockin’ five minutes from my new house!), and I felt great. Amazing what a little movement will do for your body. And by the end of Cleanse Day Two, I felt another rush of the strength I’d felt the night before, when I tackled and overcame the enema dilemma. I had survived my first colonic, juiced for another day, went to war with my toxins, and came out the other side smiling.

It makes me curious what I got rid of today. Do you think the toxic protoplasm of my nuclear-waste-dump divorce came out of my cells? What about the swollen, bloated crusties from the painful day I told my old boss I was leaving my practice? Did the mournful sadness of losing my Dad get washed clean like a baptism? How about the stinging, bitter residue of the doctor who sexually harassed me in medical school? Do you think some of that went down that built in potty during my colonic? Could the green juice and mineral broth be flushing it all clean? I don’t know. Maybe I’m reaching. But as I was breathing deeply to get through the cramps brought on by the colonic, that’s what I was envisioning- clots of painful junk loosening up from my colon and spilling down the clear tube into toxic Never Neverland.

I’m thinking of it as one giant purge. Unless we clean out the icky stuff that’s blocking us, why would new blessings want to enter our lives? So tonight, I feel better all around. Maybe Sarah Jessica Parker was right. Maybe it does really clear out your head.