Owning Pink Bloggers

Release what everyone else thinks. Figure out who you are at your core & let your freak fly.

A Pink Guide to Orgasm by Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams

Lissa Rankin's picture

 



 

Me and my honey, Matt

Me and my honey, Matt



Let me introduce the first of the Pink Posse, an amazing collection of experts who are here to help you Own the various aspects of being female. First I have to tell you a quick story about how I met this particular physician. Many of you who have read my Owning Pink blog from the beginning know about how profoundly my trip to Esalen last spring affected me. I had a feeling I was supposed to meet someone at Esalen- and as it turns out, I met SO many amazing peeps that I have no clue which one karmically drew me to Esalen. But within 5 minutes of arriving at Esalen, one woman said, "Oh, you need to meet Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams." Since then, I have heard those words echoed time and time again, so I finally connected with Rachel this month. And OMG! She's like my long lost twin. I mean, we kind of look alike (only she's prettier!), and we're the same age, and we're both integrative medicine doctors and authors. But beyond that, I had this very comforting sense that we just KNOW each other, on a soul level. Like we've met before, many times. Past lives? I don't know. But something about meeting her rocked my core. Wow.

So with that as an introduction, here she is, Pinkies! Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, author of The Multi-Orgasmic Woman and founder of the Santa Cruz Integrative Medicine and Chi Center, and she's going to answer some questions today about the Big O to help you Own Sexuality. (Big round of applause, please!)


 


Why do so many women complain that they can't have an orgasm? What is the biggest obstacle, in your opinion?


About 25% of women have never had an orgasm and fully two-thirds of women cannot orgasm when they want to, so this is really a majority of the population! There are two major obstacles to having an orgasm. The first is that many women do not have the detailed information they need about their pleasure anatomy in order to unlock their orgasmic potential. The second is that they are either inhibited about exploring their own bodies or are not able to fully trust and surrender to a partner in order to allow an orgasm to unfold.


Your book is very graphic and teaches women to know their bodies. Do you believe women are still shy about their bodies? What should women know about their bodies that would greatly improve their sex lives?


I think that women are still quite shy about the sexual aspect of their bodies, whether or not they are not shy about revealing their bodies to another person. Our culture still holds the mistaken belief that our sexual pleasure is the responsibility of another person—our sexual partner, boyfriend, husband—I even see this dynamic in lesbian couples. We are all responsible for our own orgasm, literally. We need to understand what we need for pleasure and be able to communicate that effectively to our partners in order for them to please us. Most partners really do want us to enjoy ourselves, but don’t always know how to go about helping us. Exploring one’s own pleasure zones and kindly communicating what you need to a partner can go a long way toward creating a mutually exciting and evolving sexual relationship. This does mean, of course, that you need choose partners who want to please you sexually—why, really would you want to gift them with your body if they don’t? In terms of specific anatomical advice about finding sexual pleasure, The Multi-Orgasmic Woman goes into great detail about the wonders of the female body and how you can happily own your own pleasure.


Some therapists say having an orgasm isn't so important if the woman is enjoying sex anyway. Do you agree?


I certainly agree that orgasm is not the point of sex—the point of sex is connection and pleasure. Some of the advice that I give to women who don’t have orgasms, is to stop thinking about trying to have an orgasm and to follow their pleasure. Orgasm is really just an expanded form of pleasure and can take many forms—some of which don’t seem like “an orgasm”. Orgasm for women can be long and undulating or simply a prolonged plateau of pleasure. Many women who don’t think they orgasm but really enjoy sex actually DO orgasm—they just don’t realize that their experience is a form of orgasm, because it doesn’t look like the typical male pattern of explosive, singular orgasm. When sex is happening in an organic and creative way, no one is thinking about orgasm!


What are some of the physical and psychological benefits of having orgasms frequently and having a healthy sex life?

According to medical research people who are sexually active live longer, are sick less often, and are less depressed than similar people who are not sexually active. There are many reasons for this. We are communal beings and are made, physiologically, to benefit from physical touch. Levels of oxytocin, which helps with feelings of calm and contentment and decreases stress, go up when one is touched (or is touching) someone they love. With sex and orgasm, DHEA, estrogen and testosterone peak. These hormones act as anti-depressants and help with clear thinking. Sex releases endorphins which reduce levels of pain. A vigorous bout of sex burns 200 calories—what a way to lose weight! Sex is one of the peak human experiences for which we are created and when it is in the context of caring and love, is extraordinarily healing for our minds and bodies.


Do women have a sexual peak? Can they maintain the same level of pleasure (or increase it) throughout their lives?


 

I have, literally, seen women reach their “peak” at 30, then again at 40 and even at 75! Sex, thank God, is a human expression that we get to grow with throughout our lives. Sex as we age may not look like the cartoon versions of “hot sex” that we see in the movies (which are VERY unlikely to be satisfying for the woman as they too quick!), but sexual life can unfold and transform into affection, warmth, pleasure and spiritual connection that is just as exciting at 75 as it is at 35. It is very important not to hang on to rigid expectations of what sex has to look like to be “good”.

How can men help women be happier in bed?


I know this is cliché’d, but don’t rush! If you really feel this way, tell her how much you care about her, how attractive you find her, and how devoted you are to her enjoyment—nothing is more sexy! Women need to feel that they can open to and trust their partner, so be trustworthy. Be patient (and help!) as she explores her body and finds her pleasure. Having expectations of her orgasms is not helpful. And, by the way, if she does not have an orgasm, it is not your fault! Learn what you can about her pleasure anatomy and be willing to teach her about yours. Ask for what you need and be willing to be vulnerable. Women love that.


You mention a few exercises that can help improve sex. Which ones are the best and which ones can be recommended for all women?


All women can benefit from learning about and exploring their pleasure anatomy. I also think that strengthening, relaxing and even becoming aware of the PC (pubococcygeus) muscle is important to sexual pleasure as it makes orgasm and multiple orgasm much more likely.


Are multiple orgasms easy to achieve?


If it were easy, there would be no need for a book! Only 20 % of women have multiple orgasms, so it takes a bit of knowledge and experience, as well as being open to the possibility, to have multiple orgasms. I think that most women are capable of having fulfilling, multi-orgasmic sex, but my real intention is to help women be so intimately in touch with their pleasure and their power, that they have meaningful, connected, expansive sexual experiences that are, essentially, beyond orgasm.


 




Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD

Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD



Be sure to read Rachel's amazing books The Multi-Orgasmic Woman and The Multi-Orgasmic Couple. (There's The Multi-Orgasmic Man, too, written by Rachel's hunky husband, if there are any Pink God's out there feeling jealous of us girls and all our orgasms!)

 


 


 


With Oh!Oh!Oh!Oh!Oh so much love,


Rachel & Lissa

Comments

Latest orgasm news – vaginapagina: Orgasm?'s picture

[...] Sex for Swine Flu

[...] Sex for Swine Flu Prevention? A Pink Guide to Orgasm OwningPink [...]

How to Please a Woman in Bed, Pleasure and Satisfy Her Compl's picture

[...] A Pink Guide to Orgasm

[...] A Pink Guide to Orgasm for more about women and [...]

Candy Dish: Hugh Jackman is Delicious : College Candy's picture

[...] Can sex prevent the

[...] Can sex prevent the swine flu? [...]

Lissa Rankin's picture

Thank you Christa and

Thank you Christa and Chrystal! Yes, Rachel is da bomb. And I agree with you Chrystal. It helps if we train our bodies to know what to do. Thanks for Owning it!

Chrystal's picture

OH I love this. I just posted

OH I love this. I just posted on Facebook and will link to your blog from my www.Bliss-Radio.com blog, too.

And, I love Rachel's interview, too. This is my mantra "it is your job to have an orgasm, not his/her job to give you one" and that is what I coach women to do.

If we OWN our own orgasms and we learn to have one easily (like with a small clitoral vibe or our fingers) then it is easier for us to have one with a partner. Practice makes perfect.

Take a page from your male partners book - most men masturbate almost daily which is why they are so GOOD at having an orgasm. If women would do that, too, we would all learn what we need and how we get there and have much more meaningful and satisfying experiences with our partner!

I always love your stuff, Lissa, but this Swine Flu entry is awesome. I will R/T too!

Blissfully, Chrystal

Christa's picture

Thanks for the refreshing

Thanks for the refreshing break from swine flu. Happy orgasms ladies. :-)

When you comment on an Owning Pink blog post, we invite you to be authentic and loving, to say what you feel, to hold sacred space so others feel heard, and to refrain from using hurtful or offensive language. Differing opinions are welcomed, but if you cannot express yourself in a respectful, caring manner, your comments will be deleted by the Owning Pink staff.