I wish you Joy, Marisa.
Much love

Such a benevolent act from you and your mother to facilitate the ‘Owning Joy After Loss’ workshops. To help people find clarity, strength, purpose and joy back again when a dear one passes away is commendable.

Again, I relate to your story. Just last year one of my sisters passed away; she had recently turned 50. Her death was unexpected. Like your father, the cause of her death was metastatic melanoma. Ten years prior her death, she had a malignant melanoma surgically removed from her shoulder. During those ten years, she was fine, no symptoms, no problems; everything appeared to be normal.

In April 2008, she suddenly started with vertigo, severe headaches and vomiting. The tests revealed a brain aneurism, but no brain tumor. The emergency surgery was successful, yet the doctors could not determine the cause of her aneurism. Her case was a big question mark. She was released from the hospital after three weeks, and shortly after she started physiotherapy. We were all hopeful; her progress looked promising. Then, in June, her 12 yr old daughter found her unconscious. Another emergency surgery was done — a second brain aneurism. Again, the doctors were clueless as to the cause of her aneurism. To them, it was a medical novelty.

This time, however, she did not recover consciousness; she remained in a comma for one month. However, we still had hope because we knew of other cases where the patient having had a brain aneurism and being in a comma for months managed to recover.

Once she was off the respirator and could have another CAT scan and MRI done, the cause surfaced: brain tumour and metastized lung cancer. It was then that the neurosurgeon asked if she had had any other type of cancer before. When he found out she had a malignant melanoma, he said that explained everything. Her autopsy confirmed the cause of death.

My sister tried to fight this. After all, she had a child, her only child, to look after. They were inseparable. Although she was in a comma, she still had some level of consciousness. This was evident by her signs of pain and acknowlegment when we asked her questions. My sister passed away moments after my oldest sister told her the diagnosis and reassured her not to worry about her daughter; we would look after her. She knew she could not fight the cancer and it was time to leave.

This is my third loss in the last five years:
mother March 26/04,
one of my cats Feb 16/05, and
sister July 25/08.
I guess I’m writing all this as a process of healing. A way to express emotions and to get one step closer to finding joy after loss.

You know what’s remarkable? My niece. She’s found joy after loss. It is most remarkable that at her young age she has the strength, understanding and wisdom to come out of adversity with such positive outlook. Undoubtedly, her mother’s influence is the essence of her being.

After feeling hurled into a deep dark hole and losing many identities–I slowly started spooning the earth back under my feet onto firmer ground.

I have completed a masters degree, life coach training, and found who I always was but had let get buried. I have a new dog, Freya, who was a rescue and a life that I love. Reaching out and helping others move forward through the grief and loss has been a privilege and helped me tremendously. Sit with and be with the grief, journal, honor those who have moved on to the next level of their lives in little ways every day. Love yourself like no one else can and know that you are enough just by being who you are now.

Thriving where I’m planted and growing towards the light.

Thank you for helping me see that this is really joy I am feeling now, and that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I should embrace it because I am worth it!

I am so lucky to have met you online and discovered your website when I needed it the most. It’s life changing if you allow it to be.