lissa, thanks for your blogs. it's a daily, or minute-by-minute reminder ;)... to not live in a state of fear, but to live in a state of surrender and gratitude. (and also to not allow the criticism of others, and their own sets of fears projected onto me, to be confused with my own voice.)

yeah, on one hand it may be crazy to hop up to montréal— there's expense and a sense of overwhelm in the stuff to do just to of get there. there's knowing that i can't seek employment since it's another country. and, also, 3 months WILL fly by, and then what? but on the other hand? 3 months rent free with amazingly supportive friends in a kick-ass city. and 3 months free to actually take advantage of this? no kids, no job, no partner... and my parents will take my cats. i mean, common! i think if i didn't accept the offer, the universe would slap me silly. i've been offered a boat in a flood, and it's time to hop on and say, "thank you!"

:)

and your post on letting go of wanting/needing answers is spot on. thank you! http://www.owningpink.com/2009/07/17/tips-for-letting-go-of-the-answers-living-the-question/

lissa, as i've mentioned via twitter, there has been a massively positive change/shift since i wrote the above entry, and this reply ties in to your blog, living life without regret...

why have i experienced a shift? i think i cried out so much, wanting help to end my pain, that i was led to answers. and they seem to have all come at once.

distance and in-person reiki healings, acupuncture, friends, nature.

the reiki healings coincided with an interesting online chat with my husband's friend; the best man in our wedding. (the chat itself was interesting synchronicity, but i'll spare ya how so.) through talking with him, i received some validation that i had made the right decision, for me, at the time. he said he'd love for my husband and me to reunite, but agreed a lot of healing and changing would have to happen first. he told me to let go of my pain and regret "right now." somehow, i did. the tears just stopped.

now, "should" i have come to this on my own? or through the conversations with many other friends who attempted to give me the same comforting words? i dunno, and it doesn't matter. maybe i was finally ready to let go of the pain. maybe our conversation resonated more because i was talking with one of his friends, not one of mine.

i'm sure the healing coincided with my reiki healings prior to and after this conversation. all i know is, i haven't cried about my marriage since, and i've let go of the majority of pain and regret. the self-loathing is definitely gone! i've been able to think clearly once more about why i left, and i've recognized that this girl has a backbone!

could i have ended our relationship differently? sure. but i didn't. do i miss him? there are so many aspects of him that i do, and so many others that i'm so happy to be free of.

and free it looks like i am. my follow-up relationship is ending, and i've had to battle with the regret of feeling that i ruined this one because i couldn't get over my husband. but there are other issues staring us in the face, showing us that we're simply not right for each other, so why force it? life is too short.

and so for now, for me, freedom is allowing me to hop on up to montréal and stay with friends for a self-healing sabbatical. do i return to nyc? will i be able to meet monthly financial needs within 3 months trading forex? will i be able to find clients who want to create beautiful, healthy homes? if not, will i be able to find steady employment i enjoy? how will i travel with my cats from oregon to iowa, so they can enjoy their own sabbatical in my parent's lush backyard? questions, questions. i've allowed the fear surrounding some to paralyze me, but very recently i've realized more answers will be provided. everything will be okay. i'm living life in a way that is honoring me, and am grateful i can.

here's a great link the corresponds to your blog "living life without regret" http://sophielhostehealing.blogspot.com/2009/07/how-to-surrender.html

thanks for the good timing with this article. oooooh, how i can beat myself up, even though i know it's counter-intuitive and counter-productive. still, that ego can kick my ass, and so i'm continuing to learn how to kick it to the frickn' curb. let's see... yesterday i was sobbing uncontrollably on the bathroom floor for letting my marriage fail; for not recognizing that my intuition was screaming at me to stay at the last minute (and then i blame it for creating drama and waiting so long). i actually thought at the time i was simply experiencing cold feet and would regret staying (interestingly, i didn't experience cold feet before the wedding). anyway, according to my separated hubby, it's too late to reconcile, and so i am full of deep regret, shame, blame, distrust, anger... all on me. this all out crying is not an uncommon scenario; i remind myself i left for a reason, or for many, but this falls flat and doesn't make my heart feel any lighter. how else do i attack instead of show compassion? ummm, for being trained as a health coach yet still having toxins in my cells (i.e. cellulite). and i've gained 10lbs since separating, which i know is stress. i've finally stopped beating myself up for this and have accepted the weight is hanging on until i de-stress and love myself again. so, out of compassion for myself, and because i'm seriously tired of the ugly voice of ego attacking me, i'm taking walks or go to the gym, i've started reiki & acupuncture, i meditate and practicing qigong (and don't berate myself because i broke my 30 day in-a-row goal after just day 4 ;). and for now, i'm allowing myself to cry. because stuffing my feelings and tears down feels worse. oh, and on the business/financial front.. haha, that's a whole 'nother reply. but, at least for this area i'm in daily action, feeling confident, and no longer attacking myself. actually, the fear and stress around this has subsided for the time-being, too. ahhh, progress :).