Do you have regrets, Pinkies? Things you wish you had done, things you wish you hadn’t, things you’d have liked to have done differently? Like that job opportunity you didn’t take because you didn’t want to move? Or that guy who proposed that you wish you’d married? Or that moment when you weren’t watching your child and he got hurt? Or that thing you did that began the cascade of events that resulted in your divorce? Or that one night stand who gave you chlamydia? Or that bad habit that might have caused your cancer?
Do I Have Things I Could Regret? Yup.
As someone who has been divorced twice, it’s tempting to wallow in regret. Especially husband #2- very bad move on my part. My first husband was a kind soul who I loved deeply and still love. But we were babies when we got married and circumstances threatened to destroy us. We weren’t a perfect fit, but we weren’t far off, and perhaps, if we’d had better coping skills (or a better therapist), we might have survived. Now he’s happily married with a baby, and I’m happy for him. Really, I don’t regret the love we had, even though the pain of our marital ending hurt like hell.
But husband #2 was so toxic to my authentic self that I had to cut him out of my life completely. I devoted four years of my life to this guy I’m kind of ashamed to have married. It seems like a big character flaw to me, that I was ever even affiliated with him, much less married him. And I hurt a good friend of mine in the process, who loved him first. The two of them had dated in the past, and although they broke up and she gave me permission to date him, I knew she still cared for him and expected me to respect the sisterhood. Not a Pink choice on my part. I would hold myself in higher regard if I had not made that choice and hurt a Pink sister. You could say, “Serves you right” about my divorce, and I would nod in agreement.
Do You Live in Fear of Regret?
So it’s easy to regret my choice. And I live in fear of regret. I make every decision with regret in mind. When deciding whether or not to date husband #2, even though I knew it would hurt my girlfriend, I didn’t want to regret missing the opportunity to follow my heart. But then I’m stuck with regret anyway. When I quit my job in San Diego, I tried to think through whether or not I might regret it. Would I look back in the future and realize I had given up the best job I’d ever had? Hard to say.
But that’s the thing about regret. There’s almost no way to predict whether you will regret something, in the present moment. Sure, if you choose to go hang-gliding and you crash into a tree, leaving your legs paralyzed, you may regret the decision to go hang-gliding. But how could you have known you’d be the rare person who gets injured? If you hadn’t, it might have been the most alive moment of your life. And who knows? Maybe your whole life will change in this beautiful way because you are a paraplegic. Maybe you’ll write a book about your experience, touch millions, and start a national speaking tour, inspiring disabled people all around the world. You just never know.
How Can You Have Regrets in This Present Moment?
Which means that the whole concept of regret is based in the future or in the past. But right here, right now? How can you regret this right-here-now moment? You might disagree with me, but I think you do the best you can when you’re making decisions in life. Then you let it go. Regret is a soul-sucking waste of energy. Regret will consume you, if you let it. Remember that the choices you make craft who you are. If I had not married and divorced husband #2, I would not be who I am today. And I’m happy with who I am today, so how can I regret the experiences that made me who I am? Sure, I can apologize to the woman I hurt (sorry, Carrie- really I am). And I can apologize to and forgive husband #2 for the crap we suffered through in those four years together, which I’ve done. But regret? No. Not me. Not anymore.
How Can You Regret Being YOU?
What about you, Pinkies? Have you made choices that have resulted in bad outcomes? We all have, and you’re not alone. It’s not your fault. You did the best you could at the moment, when you had to make a decision. Whatever part of you that made that decision may have changed, but at the time, you thought it was the best decision. If it turned out poorly, so be it. You did the best you could. Be compassionate with yourself. Love yourself, in spite of the bad outcome. Understand that the bad outcomes you get through shape you into the person you are today. And how can you regret being YOU?
Let It Go, Pinkies- Forgive, Love, Release
What do you need to release, Pinkies? Try writing your regrets on slips of paper and putting them in a bowl on an altar. Now burn them, and watch the embers glowing. Surrender. Let go. Forgive others. Forgive yourself. Today is the only moment that actually exists.
Want to share your thoughts with the Owning Pink community? Doing so helps us all realize that we sometimes make mistakes. We experience bad outcomes. We screw up, but we do it in good company. We love you here. You are enough, exactly how you are. Tell us your story, even if you do it under a fake name. We won’t judge you. In fact, we will admire you all the more for having the courage to tell your truth. Post your story, and let’s heal each other. Or write a blog post about it on the Pink Posse blog. We want to support you.
With no regrets,
Lissa
Thank you, Lissa, for this generous invitation to let go of that which we’ve been carrying around, especially so close to INDEPENDENCE day. Lately I have been mourning the fact that the foundations of my life have been built on the expectations of those around me, and nothing to do with the voice within — a voice I didn’t even know existed until very recently. I look around and still see remnants of decisions (or, really, non-decisions) I made long ago, and am saddened that I let myself to simply be swept like a dried leaf in the wind for so long, never allowing myself to have a say. Of course, now that I’m aware of it I’m taking steps every day to be and do what I want. What remains to be released is the regret that I didn’t wake up sooner. Seen another way, though, the circumstances of my current life are an all-to-ideal setting in which to wake up. Who knows where I would have been, or whether this revelation would have happened at all — had my life not taken the exact course that it has?
With continued love for all of your gentleness and Pink inspiration, Joy xo
Oh, sweetie, let it go. I know how you feel- it’s easy to be sad about years “wasted” not truly living. I think back to the 12 years of medical education I hated and the eight years I spent at a job that didn’t suit me. Why? Because I was too busy to figure out whether it was my true path. But why wallow, when we can get busy living?
You are such a Joy, Joy! Really. Everything you’ve experienced so far has created the tapestry that is the canvas of you. You’ve got the rest of your life to paint it however you wish. And man, are you painting, girlfriend. Welcome to YOU, sweetie!
Before going further, you replied to my last comment by calling me a “Pink God”, a badge I wear with honor. If you may wonder why I am a faithful reader, re-read your entry today a few thousand times. Men have these issues too, or I know of one who does. It’s an ongoing challenge, because the older I get the list of woulda, shoulda and couldas seems to get longer. “Without Regret” is therapy.
Happy 4th…………
Ah, thanks sweetie. Glad the post speaks to you. I know these issues are not gender related, so I’m delighted you’re still reading. The issue of regret is universal. We can wallow in it if we want, but isn’t our purpose to LIVE? Happy 4th back atcha, you Pink God you!
“Remember that the choices you make craft who you are. If I had not …, I would not be who I am today. And I’m happy with who I am today, so how can I regret the experiences that made me who I am?”
These are words I have chosen to live by & have uttered them more than a few times recently. I have no regrets because without those experiences, I would not be exactly where I am right now.
Everyone would be a lot happier if they weren’t living with regrets. Thanks for a great post!
Amen, sister! Glad to hear your living life fully, enjoying the moment, appreciating the person your life experiences have crafted you into, and reveling in today!
Thank you for sharing your regret post. This is a great topic and yes I have lived my life being inwardly naive and took on relationships that I was not prepared for. I struggle with the past and know that I have to let it go. I really appreciate the candidness with which you share your stories. You are the beginning of a new age and I welcome it. Being 53, my 20’s were met with people’s indirect philosophies and guarded communication. Marriage, raising children, careers are all changing for the better as we open ourselves up to our true feelings and desires. I feel so blessed to finally meet people that share in this. Thanks again!
Thank you honey. I do hope this is a new age of honesty and truth. We can only escape fear and regret if we tell ourselves (and ultimately, others) about who we really are. That’s when the love comes in- when you’ve been real and honest and are accepted in spite of your mistakes, flaws, and imperfections.
My mother in-law, a v. conservative woman, now in her 70s told me when we were considering a major move in our lives, that she only regretted things she didn’t do, not those she had. She said had learned from all the paths she followed and only wondered about what could have been on those paths she didn’t pursue. It surprised me, this coming from her, but I think she might be right.
Love the post.
Wow- thank your mother for me. I love that. Yes, we can’t regret the paths we’ve wondered, but it’s hard not to wonder about the path not taken. Words to live by.