A Pinkie just posted a comment in response to Mojo Mentor Fred Kraziese’s post God, Angels, Life and Moving On, and it inspired me to write a few words about the secrets that we keep. We learn to keep secrets from the time we’re very young. Your 6-year old best friend says, “I’ll tell you something, but you have to promise you won’t tell.” Next thing you know, you’ve entered into an agreement to hold a confidence that may weigh on your soul. We’ve all been there. And most of us have secrets that we keep from others, even those of us who may seem like an open book.
A Secret Too Painful To Keep
A friend who I’ll call Alexis once told me a secret about how her father molested her, year after year. She shared graphic stories about what he had done to her, how he had hurt her, what he made her do. I was the only person she had ever told. Her mother, her sister, her best friend from high school- none of them knew. We were in college at the time, and I was still very young and naïve. Alexis and I hadn’t known each other long, but we took a class that we jokingly called “Group Therapy,” because this small group seminar brought us to tears regularly and bonded us deeply. Her story left me with nightmares and great fear for her well-being over Thanksgiving break, when she was going home, where her father still lived. I didn’t know how to handle her secret, and I told someone else. I needed someone else to help me shoulder the burden. It eventually came between us. I think Alexis expected me to offer her something I wasn’t mature enough to provide, and when I told a therapist about her secret, she felt betrayed. Her secret weighs on me still. I hope she is okay.
The Effect of Harboring Secrets on Your Health
Harboring secrets gnaws at our souls and robs us of our mojo. Sure, some secrets can be fun, like the surprise party you’re planning for your mother or the diamond ring you’re about to spring on your sweetie. But you know the secrets I’m talking about, the ones that eat your cells like flesh-eating bacteria and can literally make your physical body shut down. I see this all the time in my private practice in an integrative medicine center. The woman who has never told anyone about how she was raped manifests her trauma as chronic pelvic pain and sexual dysfunction. The one who didn’t find out she was adopted until she was thirty and now feels so betrayed by her family that she cannot open her heart to love. The lesbian who has been too frightened of rejection to come of the closet and has a plan for how to kill herself. The woman who never told her husband about her abortions and is now infertile and blaming herself. The woman who, until she met me, never told anyone how she abused her children and now suffers from depression, chronic fatigue syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, and chronic back pain. Secrets make us sick. They’re like a cancer that metastasizes through our bloodstream and seeks to destroy every normal cell in our body. I see it every day. The simple act of telling the truth begins the process of helping us release our pain.
How Fred’s Secret Confession Set Him Free
Do you have a secret? When Fred told us about how he talks to angels, he trusted us with the task of holding the space for him as he processed his truth. We showed up and validated him. We told him we believe him, that we love him, that his secret is safe with us. What he did took tremendous courage, and it has transformed him by opening a door to truth, and with the truth, comes freedom.
About his experience, Fred wrote this:
“Writing this was a liberating moment for me on so many different levels. I know am free to acknowledge the existence of angels in my life every day, and as I said, they are everywhere — around us all the time. It took me a very long time to get to this point (50 years to be exact). But, now that my own secret is out, I am free to live and connect to the beautiful joyful life that is all around me. My encouragement to anyone holding deep wounds and secrets is to take baby steps. Allow yourself to breathe and feel. At some point, it does take an act of faith. But, the good news is that in a forum such as Owning Pink, taking that step to come out from behind your secret becomes easier, because this is a place where you are loved, where there is no judgment — only acceptance.”
What’s Your Secret, Pinkies?
We invite you to let your secret go. Tell a trusted friend, a family member, a therapist, a shamanic healer, a life coach, a doctor, an energy healer, a massage therapist- whoever makes you feel safe, loved, and nurtured. Here in this safe space, we invite you to tell us your secrets if that feels more authentic to who you are right now. You may post comments here under a pseudonym if you wish. You may join our Pink Posse community and write for the Posse blog. Your secret will be safe with us. We will hear your voice, honor you, and accept you, no matter where you are.
It’s Okay If You’re Not Ready
If you’re not ready to tell your secret, we honor that too. Take your time. As Fred said, take baby steps. Start by confessing your secret to yourself. Accept the truth about yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. It’s the first step towards healing, and we are here to support you, no matter where you are on the path to awakening. Not every secret needs to be broadcast to the world. We need not shout it from the rooftops to heal. Healing lies within. Check in with yourself, and go at your own pace. We are here to support you in your process…
With a deep breath and a big PINK hug to you all,
Lissa
Tags: alternative medicine, chronic pain, core wound, fred kraziese, illness, medicine, mojo, pain, past, secret, sexual abuse, sick, trauma, wellness, wounds
I should be happy and I’m not. I’m married to a wonderful man and trying to have a baby. I have an addiction to perscription medication that I struggle with. I have come close to cheating on my husband several times. I hate myself and wish I was a better person. I wonder if I’m so damaged that I’ll never be good enough. I pray to be a worthy of the relationship and life that I have.
Dear Lissa,
What a beautiful post! You are so right when you describe how painful secrets find a warm comfortable spot in the body to linger. And this is where the illness and pain continues
Bodyworkers and physical therapists see it in the form of “tissue memory,” and I’ve written about it in other articles (http://empoweredandfit.ning.com/profiles/blogs/emotional-healing-tissue). When the area is released a process sometimes referred to “unwinding”, “somatic release” or “somatic experiencing” occurs. Memories are the triggered that are often as intense as when the initial trauma or abuse occurred. But, this release is so very essential.
Every day, I work with women who have cut themselves off from their body. They’ve stopped feeling, and the focus of our work together is to help reconnect themselves back into the body. They have stopped feeling because they no longer wish to experience the pain associated with the trauma or abuse.
And one may ask, what is wrong with that?
What wrong with it is simple. When you block the feelings and disassociate with your body, you also block the ability to connect with the beauty and joy of day to day life. You block the good things, along with the bad. You block the ability to fully love and experience the glorious experience of our earthly life.
Unless you completely let go, your body continues to experience the trauma at a subconscious level. If the body doesn’t release, restrictions can form in the fascia (the connective tissue that basically holds our body together), creating chronic pain and making it worse over time. And as you write in your post, the added stress on your body may also compromise your immune system, which can lead to other forms of illness.
Secrets, and allowing them to fester and gnaw away you you, will indeed eat you up inside.
As I wrote earlier, it takes a leap of faith to open your heart to the world. I can tell you from first hand experience that letting go of a secret is terrifying. As you hold on to your secret, you feel entirely alone, but the terrifying fear is that once your secret is out you will be judged and scorned for being different.
That has not been my experience however. I know that in letting go of my own secret, that I have become free to live fully. And I didn’t feel alone anymore. Quite the contrary. I felt the loving embrace and acceptance of this community, as well as the love and appreciation from my own clients.
I didn’t feel alone. I felt accepted, nurtured and loved. That is what a caring community is all about!
I bid you peace and love,
Fred
Oh dear Evie,
You are totally worthy and deserving of happiness. We all are. I encourage you to reach out to the members of this community. Every challenge you face can be met. Start with your doctor and have an honest discussion about your addiction. And if you don’t get satisfactory answers, find another doctor. Find someone you can talk to. Get the help you deserve and live the full, rich and beautiful life that is meant for you.
I can tell you without equivocation that the world is a much better place with you in it. You are indeed so very worthy.
Peace and love,
Fred
Dearest Evie-
You are SO worthy. Within you lies the opportunity to open up to the joy in life. You alone know the path back to inner peace, but there are others you may help guide you. Let this community be the safe space to explore where you are and where you want to be. If you haven’t already, please join us at http://www.owningpink.com/forum, so we can love on your some more and help you seek your own unique truth.
Most importantly, remember- you are enough, just the way you are. You are deserving of love, acceptance, and joy.
With so much love and wishing you peace,
Lissa
And thank you Fred! Bless you for being such a nurturing member of this community and for sharing your experience with us, as well as your vulnerability. xoxo
Evie,
Let me echo what Fred and Lissa said so well – you are worthy of love and acceptance. You can learn to love yourself, and here you’ll find plenty of support for being just who you are.
Yes, please, do what you need to get healthy. The better you treat your body, the better you’ll feel. Plenty of us here are able to offer you love and tools if you need them for your inner strength, be they love, encouragement, Reiki, inspiration, or other mojo-builders. Please take us up on it.
We love you as you are and believe in you.
Alice
This is powerful stuff. I’ve lived it, I’ve seen it. I feel it in my clients…
I’m adding your blog to my site. Hope it’s okay…
Thank you…
Gina
Thank you Alice & Gina. And yes, Gina, I’d be honored to have you add my blog to your site. Namaste. Deep bow.
Thank you, Lissa for writing this post. It has created such a space of nurturing that allows us to accept what we have deemed upon ourselves as ‘wrong.’
When I was younger I found out that my parents were gay, yes both of them. I was around 14 at the time, as if that weren’t awkward enough! There were moments when I was angry for being lied to ( I had always been, still am, a Daddy’s Girl.) After I accepted my parents for what they were and decided that their happiness was what was most important, I opened up to my friends. It soon became apparent to me that my parents being homosexual make me a lot of who I am today. Openhearted, accepting and understanding. I strive to be those things daily.
Our secrets can often be what shapes our lives, but they can also be what saves us. It is all in how you look at it, overcome and triumph.
Love Always,
Megan
Wow, Megan. That must have been such a challenge at such a fragile age. I honor that you can see the gift in the secret and how it shaped your life. You have such wisdom, darling!
Fred, Lissa and Alice-thank you so much. This was the 1st time I’ve been able to admit my addiction to anyone out loud. I feel stronger and lighter. I know that this was the final step I needed to take to stop for good. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not judging. I feel like now I can focus on the many positive aspects of my life and stop loathing myself. You will never know the depth of my gratitude.
Dear Evie,
I know that feeling of lightness. Good for you. And please continue to reach out to the members of this community. We’re here with you, every step of the way. You’re not alone. And you are DEFINITELY worthy.
Fred
Dear Evie,
It is indeed hard and threatening to share such a deep secret, an admission of pain in our own lives, especially when it affects others we love. Admission is the first step to change! Good on you! Now the next step is help and I know you can do that too. You are strong and want to keep what you already have. I know you can do it with emotional help. We are here for that. Feel the love! Trish
PS. I believe God loves all of us, where we are, understanding our pain. Take it to Him first and he will give you a strength you will be surprised at.
Dear Evie-
I feel your true beauty, shining already. Doesn’t it feel good? We are here for you, darling.
xoxo
Lissa
Great post and very true. Have you ever seen the book/site Post Secrets? http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
A fascinating peep into just how normal we all are, no matter what secrets we’re holding inside.
Dana, what a lovely site. Thank you so much for sharing! xoxox