Dear Pinkies,

Please welcome Pink God and our newest Mojo Mentor Jason Stein, author of the Free To Be Parents blog, a rockstar dad and regular blogger over at the Posse Forum. Today Jason shares with us some wisdom for those Pinkies who are parents – in particular, owning ourselves when harsh energy is being thrown at us by our kids. Jason, we thank you!

I honestly think that kindness and compassion towards ourselves and children is the solution to the ecological and economical destruction occurring around us.

A decade ago Bill Cosby had a show on TV entitled, “Kids Say The Darndest Things.”

Each week Bill would ask a question of a 3-8 year old who would respond in a silly, funny, or often profound way. Being a parent, it’s not hard to imagine all that can come out of a child’s mouth.

Just last week, my daughter, Sierra, was asked by a family friend what the word “peace” meant to her. She stopped walking, stared that friend in the eye and said, “Well it’s when I’m angry and I relax my body and let all the good stuff in.”

Like me, I’m certain that there has been several times where your child has said something which stimulated laughter, silliness, or even taught you a lesson about life. However, there are other times that children say words that are sharp and stinging.

Recently, a parent shared with me that his son has started saying, “I hate you Daddy!”

What do we do when are child throws a verbal dagger?

As a parent it can be extremely difficult to not verbally shove back when you’re assaulted.

“You spoiled brat, if only you knew how much I sacrifice for you,” comes to mind.

Yet, this defensiveness creates disconnection when we retaliate and can even reinforce a habitually addiction to try and control and dominate a child for their words.

In compassionate communication it’s helpful to look past what the child is saying and guess what they are feeling and needing.

Since a verbal assault can knock us off center so easily, it can be helpful to practice with an exercise called Jackal Popcorn (jackals refer to any language or thoughts that disconnect us from life).

This is where you find another adult to role play being your child and the two of you practice verbal attacks hurled at you. You can give your adult friend the context of your relationship with your child and a few phrases that your child might use.

Your job is to hear what your child is feeling and needing.

Child: “You suck as a parent, you never let me do anything.”

You: “I’m guessing you’re aggravated and really needing some autonomy.”

Child: “I hate you.”

You: “Are you disappointed that we’re not having some fun with just you and me?”

Child: “You care more about my sister than me.”

You: “Sounds like your sad and needing some fairness.”

Some Mindfulness Tip To Help You Keep Your Cool

1. If you find yourself triggered, take some time and give yourself empathy then come back to guessing the feeling and need your child may be experiencing.

2. Not matter how stunned or even irate you are, try not to retaliate with words. Take some space and get yourself grounded and centered before responding.

3. Remember, your child’s verbal nastiness is an ineffective strategy to reach out for love and connection. Just like a tennis player returning a volley, with practice you’ll be able to give a grounded swing no matter how hard that verbal ball is thrown towards you.

4. Keep in mind that whatever your child is saying is probably not true. Sometimes kids say things simply for shock value.

5. Prescribe a time out for both of you, then express three things you're both grateful for. It may help turn things around, and if it doesn't, at least you'll be focused on gratitude.

6. Be here now. Feel what you feel. Live in the moment. But try to avoid being reactive.

7. Invite your child to take a deep breath with you. In....out....ahhhh....don't you both feel better?

Meeting punches with Pink,

Jason