Tossing And Turning

Hello Dear Pinkies. An exhausted Joy here with you today. I was awake in the wee hours of the night, my head spinning with thoughts of all that I must accomplish between now and 2010. I’m making my first Thanksgiving dinner next week, then flying to the east coast that night for an abbreviated trip that will include a dear friend’s wedding and visits with family and friends. I’m also hoping to be certified as an integral coach in January, for which I have pages and pages of cases and book summaries and essays to write by the end of December. And oh, the winter holidays approacheth, don’t they? So many loved ones upon whom I want to shower tokens of my adoration in the way of gifts, even small ones. Not to mention my three year old nephew’s approaching birthday … Auntie’s got to come through there, no excuses.

Such were the thoughts and lists clogging my brain from 3–5am as I tossed and turned, alternately making mental “don’t forget” lists and willing myself to get some sleep in preparation for a busy weekend filled with even more … stuff.

Mind you, all of what is happening in my life right now is absolutely phenomenally fabulous. I want to drink in everything. Swim around in it. Address it. Be with it. Love it. It’s just that, currently, the volume of stuff is bordering on chaos. One might advise me to shave down my priorities, but at this juncture, I am choosing against that option. There are simply too many people to love. Too many dreams to pursue. Too much life to be living.

Letting It All Be

Once I owned that – that everything I’m currently up to is actually serving the bigger me – something dawned on me. The reason that all the STUFF is feeling so chaotic is because I’m trying to get it all under control. My brain was making its biologically characteristic attempt to put things in neat little piles and draw up a blueprint for each day. My poor ego is struggling to get to a place where it can stand confidently in the middle of my life, like a policeman at the scene of an accident, and announce, “Everything! Is under! Control!”

The realization I had today was that that ubiquitous phrase – “everything is under control!” – is an absolute fallacy. Nothing in the universe is within our control. Ever. But we all love those words, don’t we? We get so comforted when we hear them announced in the middle of a crisis on the street or at the office.

The thing is … they’re just words. In truth, circumstances, people, endeavors are all spinning outside of us. Life is dancing its dance, following the natural flow. It is only up to us to dip joyfully in and flow with it, or not. That decision is the only control we've got. And right now, my intuition is telling me to forego the raft and the life jacket, plunge on in there and body surf on down the rapids.

There’s Always An End To The Madness

The coolest thing about this all, though, is that as false a phrase as “everything is under control” is, there is abundant truth in another one of my favorites: “this too shall pass.” Currently the river of life is full and rushing, as after a good rain. However, I know things are going to slow to a trickle at some point. Either that, or I am going to decide that I’ve had enough for now, haul myself up onto the riverbank, and spend some time sunning myself and contemplating the wild ride.

And So, I Flow

But for now, of this I’m sure: nothing is under control, so it’s kind of futile (not to mention a total energy suck) to try to get to that place. I’m going to let go of the handle, let life flow, and participate with every particle of me that there is. As much as I can, I will remember to own joy, not take things so seriously, and savor all the moments of love, connection, chaos, and beauty that await me.

Sure, I’ll forget things. Stuff will slide. Details will get missed. People might be disappointed or I may overcook the turkey. But whatever. Even if I wanted to I couldn’t control this trip. I’m flowing, I’m feeling, and I’m doing my best.

What about you Pinkies? The holidays tend to be a time when the river is rushing wildly for many of us. Are you jumping right in? Weighing your options? Do you have a life raft of some kind? Do you have Everything Under Control?

Not me ...

CANNONBALL!

Joy