Hey Pinkies, Joy here. Remember the other week, when I was all “Bring it on!” with regard to everything that was afoot in my life? Well, I invited it, it came, and now I have no idea what the hell to do with it all.
Riding the Rapids of Transformation
Let me back up. You’ve probably seen references here and there about my training to become an integral coach. I started school back in February, when my classmates and I were given our own personal development work to do for the year. Mine gripped me so fast and powerfully that my life began to transform almost faster than I could keep up with it. One of the many realizations I came to was that my working life as it was wasn’t cutting it for me. It wasn’t long after that that the golden opportunity to come and work alongside Lissa Rankin herself was presented, and I leapt eagerly, leaving security and rationality on the side of the abandoned highway, kicking at the dirt with their hands in their pockets.
As you’ve seen, it’s been beautiful. It’s been exactly what I needed – it has given me not only the space and support I’ve needed to concentrate on my coaching, but the like minds of the Pink community have enabled me to be my authentic self every step of the way … something that is vital when one is diving down further into the depths of one’s soul with such frequency.
And so the year has passed, and I find myself just over a month away from certification as a coach. As I write up my cases, review what I have learned, and reflect on my own development and that of my clients, I sit back in my chair, take a deep breath, stretch my arms in the air, exhale slowly, and say …
I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
None. Not an inkling. I mean, I know I’ve been here, been present – in fact, my work centered on getting into my body, setting intentions, following through, speaking my truth, and taking up space. But now that all the work I’ve done – alone, with clients, and with you Pinkies– is culminating, all I can focus on is
What I could have done better. Or done at all.
My self-doubt is at an all-time high. I’m convinced I’ve done nothing for my clients, and just as convinced that, despite all of the breakthroughs and aha moments and emotionally-draining hours of self-exploration, that I’m exactly the same as when I began. Yes, my circumstances are different, but I am not. Yes, everything around me has changed – my job, my friends, my focus, my life – but I am who I was. I haven’t “improved” at all. I’m in no position to help anyone. How can I coach anyone when I am still so … not where I thought I would be?
What Were You Expecting?
I guess that’s at the heart of it, really. Expectation. Across this entire year of uncertainty and changes and risks and shifts, I at least have had that carrot dangling at the end of it all: I’m going to be a coach! It occurs to me that as my work has deepened, it has seeped into my bloodstream and snuck into my bones. It is part of me now, and as such, there is no becoming to do; no end in sight. I am there. This, the present moment, is exactly what it looks like. It’s how it always was going to look, and how it always will look. You know that Jon Kabat-Zinn book, Wherever You Go, There You Are? Beautiful and eloquent in theory – fucking TERRIFYING when you’re standing nose-to-nose with what that really means.
Living Into the Moment
I know it’s no accident that I’m experiencing these massive waves of doubt now as I am smacked in the head again and again that all there is – all there has ever been – is me in this moment. And that THAT is the essence of being a coach, at least for me. I have no more or greater wisdom than any of my clients, and I am no “different” than I was at the outset … I am just more fully me. All I can do to aid another in his or her self-discovery is to continue to have mine, one explosive and scary moment at a time. What this has always been about is stepping into life in all its breathtaking, frightening, and exquisite moments. I feel the fear so intensely because I feel EVERYTHING more intensely.
Terror Is A Good Sign
I know all this doubt means that I’m on the verge of something big … another soul-shaking moment of realization to add to the pile. At the doorstep of every transformation is a whole lot of turmoil – the pain that is required for growth. And so, I’ve decided to own this self-doubt along with aaaaalll the other stuff.
So forward I will go. I’ll write up my case studies and embrace all of the “mistakes” I’ve made. I’ll review my year and plan out my practice using everything I’ve learned and all of the resources available to me in the moment. I’ll freely admit to teachers, peers, and even clients that I feel clueless and afraid, rather than trying to stuff it down and proceed with a hollow confidence.
And I will remain ever-grateful to you, Pinkies, for allowing me to be vulnerable, and afraid, and confused, and alive, and whole.
Not doubting the doubt – not anymore,
Joy
Tags: authenticity, doubt, integral coaching, jon kabat zinn, Joy Mazzola, life coach, present moment, self doubt, speaking your truth, wherever you go there you are
Wow, Joy-
You continue to blow me away. I just returned from a lovely retreat at Harbin Hot Springs (and have many thoughts to share with you Pinkies!) but I just wanted to say that I don’t doubt you in the least. Maybe being a coach doesn’t look exactly how you thought it might look, but THANK GOD! It’ll be even better. And being present with where you are and letting things flow as they might seems like a brilliant course of action
Thank you for your honesty, your integrity, your commitment to truth, your vulnerability, your exploring spirit, and you steadfast love for everyone here.
I could go on…
Lissa
“All I can do to aid another in his or her self-discovery is to continue to have mine.” YES!
I was just thinking about this very thing last night as I was having a teaching moment with my team. I was sharing some wisdom that only comes from having lived it.
We can’t teach what we don’t know so your every trial and challenge is serving as your text book in being a rockstar coach.
You provide such immense value here on Owning Pink. I can only assume you’re doing the same with your clients.
Thank you for speaking your truth, showing up as YOU and owning it all.
Thank you dear ones! The only way it’s so easy for me to Own doubt is because I know there isn’t one person in this community who doesn’t believe in me. MAN, that is so powerful.
Great point Danielle. And fortunately, in terms of this work, “all” I am doing is aiding another in his or her emergence as a human. Hence, the “only” learning I’m needing to do is being more fully alive every day. Such a gift – and a challenge. Infinite and endless. Thank you for your sweet words.
Liss, you are so right, thank god this doesn’t look how I thought it would. Imagine if life were that predictable and safe? Bah. No thank you. I’ll take rapids, risk, danger and doubt any day.
Ride the wave, girlfriend…
Joy
I can feel both the terror and the exhilarating joy (ha, get it? “joy”?) you feel standing on the precipice of the next moment as “reality” wavers around you. I had a couple of thoughts as I was reading your bravery that I’ll share.
First, you’re doing EXACTLY the right thing in coaching yourSELF to own the fear with beautiful insight. You’re being humble and proud at the same time. You’re honoring the changes and the sameness, which is the bizarre but oh-so-authentic part of this way of being.
Secondly, you are BEING more than doing. This is a crucial quality in a coach. Most of us are not used to valuing BEING and yet as a coach and someone supporting others that’s a critical service – to be totally present for someone else, to honestly show them themselves in the mirror that is you.
Finally, you’re challenging the way the human brain works. Brains are designed to seek and hold to patterns so we can recognize and know how to respond to stimuli. When you’re really BEING, you’re open to new patterns and ready to respond “in the moment”. It’s exhausting and frightening to be always open to a non-pattern, especially if you feel like you’re in it alone. It feels like you have no context, no relationship to “reality”. It feels like walking out on thin air. But you’re not. Faith and trust will help you manage the anxiety until the “pattern” you become comfortable with is – the pattern of the moment.
I certainly haven’t mastered it all, but I see that – as usual – we’re struggling with learning similar lessons at the same time.
I love how brave and strong and courageous you are. Hold yourself tight and feel all the beauty you bring to us, yourself and – soon – your clients!
Love, Light and Strength
~Dana
Dana, this is so friggin’ right on and incredibly intuitive. And YES YES YES! I second everything she says, Joy. OWN it, baby.