Owning Pink Bloggers
Owning Your True Desires: Tumbling Through Space & Letting Go
A New Feeling
Last night, as I was settling into bed, I reached over to set my alarm and noticed that, for the first time in a long time, the movement felt sort of … foreign. Unfamiliar. I hadn’t done it in awhile. That’s because I’ve been letting my body wake up when it wants to. For that matter, I’ve been taking it to bed when it feels tired, feeding it when it’s hungry, exercising it when it’s restless, and honoring it when it wishes to be still.
And It’s Not Just My Body
Thinking on it some more, I realize that a lot of my life is looking like this now. I make my own hours. I run errands when I want to. I don’t fret over making appointments or plans to travel. If I want to meet a friend for brunch, I meet a friend for brunch. I go to yoga in the middle of the day.
A layer beneath that, I awaken to the fact that I haven’t been on a guilt trip in a long time. There has been nobody for whom I feel I need to do anything. No expectations to meet, no appropriate way to act. My only standing directive at Owning Pink is to follow my intuition and never compromise who I am. People trust me in my roles … they flow alongside me in harmony as I do what I do for them. Nobody’s demanding things from me; nobody is telling me what I’m doing wrong.
At home, there is no guilt for making or leaving a mess, no feeling of needing to be around at a certain time, no sense of needing to take care of anyone beyond a reciprocation of the love, acceptance, and nurturance I receive every day. I send it into the hearts of my partner and creatures and into the walls and ceiling. I cook and bring home treasures. I speak long-distance to family members who are fine and safe and happy for me because they can sense that I feel whole.
What Do You Mean, I Can Do Whatever I Want?
Sounds heavenly, right? Well … that’s the thing. This is actually a pretty scary place to be. Because for my whole life – whether by my own creation or the influence of others – I’ve been pulled and prodded in directions that were not of my own deciding. There were the outside voices (don’t do that; clean your room; smile; don’t smile; don’t talk to him; stay; go; say it this way; be quiet; don’t touch that; get that job; talk to me; listen to me), and the inner ones (don’t rock the boat; that is scary; that is dangerous; he’ll leave you; you’ll hurt her; they need you; you need that; don’t be a freak; you’ll get hurt).
Have these voices been silenced? No, they’ll always be there. I mean, this is life, and I have ears and a brain. However, I guess I’ve come to understand (and then forget, and then remember again) that these voices bear no truth. That an understanding of What To Do comes through places like the heart, the third eye, the solar plexus. It comes from a place we can't necessarily see or describe. That's kind of the worst part for a literal person like me: there are no words to translate these feelings. I’ve always been privy to voices, to words – hearing them, saying them, writing them. Taking them to heart – replacing my body’s wisdom with whatever the loudest message was at the time.
No Frame of Reference
And though the flipside of this – tuning out the voices – leaves me feeling freer and stronger, it also leaves me a bit … reference-less. I find myself in a strange, silent, voice-less void that is spacious and lovely enough, but that has no jagged edges to which to cling or upon which to rest. No rough surfaces against which to rub to confirm my existence. Instead, something is starting to light up from within … an internal guidance system that is steering me through the darkness.
I’m scared (thrill-scared, not sinking-scared) because I’m not yet fully acquainted with this system - and the most disturbing part is that there is no learning how it works because the controls aren’t mine. This is a self-guided mechanism. My only job is to let go and trust that it will move me through the universe with a heading more precise than I ever could have calculated, even with the help of the committee in my head.
And so I tumble through space, without alarms, or voices, or expectation. I’m on autopilot. Every day, I back up farther and farther from the wheel … and I can tell you, this free fall is terrifying … but such fun.
Join Me?
What are you bumping up against, Pinkies? Where are the critical voices, the limitations, the perceived expectations that keep your hands on the controls, and keep your guidance system from doing its own work? What would your life look like in the tumble?
Hands off the controls (and the snooze button),
Joy
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Michelle, I'm so happy to see
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 8:07 PMMichelle, I'm so happy to see you here! I was just thinking of you yesterday and was planning on sending you a message on www.owningpink.com/forum. You must have read my mind. Yeah! You're here. We missed you.
And yes, Joy- as always- your posts spark so much lovely dialogue. You speak the language of our collective Pink souls, I think. Thank you for that. If I do say so myself, DAMN was I brilliant for asking you to climb on board the raft of the lavender-scented river!
Whoa! Away from my computer
By Joy Mazzola on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 5:47 PMWhoa! Away from my computer for a day and look at all that unfolded.
Sweet Michelle, thanks for your comments and I'm glad you can relate. So true. NOTHING is that important. There's very little (if anything) we need to take so seriously as to freak us out. I think that's why I'm having so much fun right now. Even if it's temporary, I'm touched into the notion that this is aaaall just a ride (to a Christmas party? hee). And I'm doing what I can to enjoy the scenery and not bug out. I'm certain this too shall pass (thanks for that reminder, Liss!), but it's a fun place to be in the moment.
Ah, and alarms. I'm finding out, quite interestingly, that my body gets sleepy relatively early, and stays sleepy until relatively late. Am I one of those people who requires 9-10 hours, compared to the standard 8? Is it just this time of year? I don't know. I've never been able to say for sure whether I'm a morning or a night person, as I tend to be really low-energy during both. Regardless, it's been a really fascinating experiment to see what my body feels like doing, and when. More and more, I'm letting go and trusting it to take †he lead. I know there's deep wisdom there. Thank you ladies for that reminder.
Love you all!
Wow, wow, wow!! This post
By Michele Campbell (not verified) on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 4:18 PMWow, wow, wow!! This post spoke to me. No scratch that, it jumped up & down, hooping and hollering, "Listen up sister! This is how you gotta live. Trust The Universe & your inner guidance system. See the signs that your intuition is putting in front of you. Go with it, and by all means, RELAX! For example, last weekend my hubby and I were on the way to a Christmas party at a home that we had never been to before. He decided to take a "shortcut" and we were running about 20 minutes late. I let it get me seriously stressed out and of course my hubby and I got into a little spat. Guess what, we were the first ones to arrive at the party. He asked me why I can't just relax & let things work out, like they usually always do...and if you are late WTF!!! It's not the end of the world. Anyway, I've pretty much been "too busy" for OP lately. Here I am and, aha, enlightenment! Thanks Joy! You are a great blessing! Pinkie Peace, ~Michele~
Dana - Ah, enlightenment! In
By Simone da Rosa (not verified) on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 11:12 AMDana - Ah, enlightenment! In a word: yup. And on the womanly power that turns that on, tunes that in, with all humility - I KNOW I'm a badass mamacita. I continue to try to help others see they are, too. - big xoxo's, Si
I never use an alarm either,
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 10:38 AMI never use an alarm either, unless I have a plane flight at some unGodly hour. By my internal clock is dead on. I always awaken before my family (my daughter sleeps down a few stairs in our large single bedroom). So I enjoy those quiet half-wakening moments Dana talks about to ground myself and focus on how I want to be- not what I want to DO, so much, but really getting in touch with my purpose, my essence.
Simone Alarm clocks aside - I
By Dana Theus on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 10:36 AMSimone Alarm clocks aside - I think you are absolutely right on about women's "hysteria" turning out to be fine-tuned technology. For me, it was not the clock that made me realize that but the onset of menopause. I believe that the awakenings I've had have been in part "aided" (though I use that term gingerly) by the onset of menopause. I believe they are the same symptoms that put my grandmother in an asylum in a more unenlightened age. We have only begun to tap into something amazing here.
Love, Light and Feminine Wisdom ~Dana
A theme emerges! I have been
By Simone da Rosa (not verified) on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 10:30 AMA theme emerges! I have been avoiding my alarm clock whenever possible for a while now. I even felt guilt about the lovely watch my hubby gave me for our anniversary. Two nights ago I set the alarm to get up extra early, only to find there had been a black out (2:45 to be exact) and it never went off! I woke up on time. Now that built-in "hysteria" they've always accused us women of has evolved into finely tuned technology.
BTW- I wanted to mention that
By Dana Theus on Thursday, 12/17/2009 at 10:14 AMBTW- I wanted to mention that I, too, have been waking up without an alarm since starting to meditate seriously again of late. But I still use the alarm. I enjoy my time between wake up and alarm (which is soft music) to really wake up, rotating my ankles and wrists and stretching quietly. I am really NOT a morning person physically so I like this little time in darkness and quiet to wake my body up gently while my mind basically still snoozes:) That, or I'm just making lemonade outta lemons (or both!)
Love, Light and Enough Sleep ~Dana
I felt called to try to
By Dana Theus on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 5:27 PMI felt called to try to articulate the delicious conundrum a bit more... What I mean is that I know the sweet feeling of 'unhooking' from my will and allowing myself to happen (much as you describe). Things do fall into place and when balanced in presence, all the things I used to worry about kinda melt away and either disappear or fall into their proper place. Drifting along in space at my own pace is - cool. But I know that there are times, ways and places where engaging my will can make a huge difference - for me and others. Sometimes I do it and pound my head against a wall until I realize how much it hurts and (finally) stop. Other times I just nudge my will and cascades of magic spill forth and bring wondrous change into the world.... My conundrum is trying to learn how to stop doing the former and become a master of the latter (mistress?) I think the answer is a paradigm shift wherein there is no conundrum at all and the differences in those two situations is obvious. But I'm a bit in between paradigms at the moment - and thus it all appears as a conundrum!
How's that for living my conundrum out loud?
:D
Love, light and Peace with the conundrum ~Dana
Joy, when I was doing studio
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 4:50 PMJoy, when I was doing studio visits with artists for my first book, one artist had written on her wall, "It's not supposed to be easy."
But I would argue that the flip is also true. It's not supposed to be hard. Not that we won't have struggles, be tested, and grow from them. But there will also be periods of flow where everything comes easily and all you have to do is receive it.
Own it, baby. This is one of those times...
(Whoops, posted as Lissa
By Joy Mazzola on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 4:12 PM(Whoops, posted as Lissa before -- it was actually me!) Thank you ladies for your love and support! Dana, I know, it’s totally confusing, but doesn’t feel like a hardship or conundrum. Spooky, yes, uncomfortable, sure, but also really … right. I know you know what I mean, oh parallel spirit-realm traveler. =) And Leslee, YES, that is exactly the feeling that inspired this post. Like, I’m not doing anything I hate, and yet I’m surviving and actually (gasp) enjoying myself. Feel like I’m fulfilling a purpose. And there’s nothing difficult about it. Tough feeling to get used to when you’re so used to the mentality of “no pain, no gain.”
Love this post. First off, I
By Leslee Horner (not verified) on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 3:45 PMLove this post. First off, I don't set my alarm either, even with the kiddos, I trust that I'll get up on time and get everything ready to leave in time...and I always do. I have these moments where I sit in awe at my life. I'm in a perfect place to just take care of me and my kids. That is my 9-5, make sure we are all healthy and happy.
I have moments where I think "I'm supposed to be working" or "I need to make some money" but then I remind myself that I'm taken care of. Right now, I get to be a Stay At Home Mom and in a few years maybe something else will come along. When I find myself getting anxious about what is going to happen, I just remind myself to enjoy and trust that it all is as it should be. The Universe is moving around me organizing and preparing my future. I just have to arrive there and preferably do it JOYfully!
Joy Lovely imagery. And I
By Dana Theus on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 3:45 PMJoy Lovely imagery. And I like the graphic you chose, so BIG. I find this experience a conundrum at the same time I enjoy it. Because I believe we are here to do something - to make the world a better place and that we each must do our part... and yet, like you, I know that there is infinitely more wisdom I'm unconscious of through traditional channels that is guiding me to do it. It's like seeing without seeing.... balancing on an unseen tightwire that is really an expansive highway. So many paradoxes, so many mysteries to be explored and experienced.
Thanks once more for sharing the journey.
Love, Light and Freefall ~Dana
Thanks girls. Em, love you
By Joy Mazzola on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 10:43 AMThanks girls. Em, love you back and hope you know how much you've inspired these thoughts, and this growth.
Si, yes. Thank you. That's the question before me right now. What do I REALLY, REALLY want? It's like, I've finally learned that magic is possible, that the world is mine, and that I'll tumble toward whatever dream I can ... well ... dream up. Scary. Amazing. Huge. Overwhelming. Exciting. And yes, a total privilege. Thank you for your characteristically brilliant insight.
xoxox
I really vibed with this one.
By Simone da Rosa (not verified) on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 10:32 AMI really vibed with this one. Thank you for it, Joy. It's just all true and scary and wonderful, beautiful and terrible. It's all good to feel like this place (of non-space/time) is a PRIVILEGE to be at...and the only "obligation" I feel here is to pay it honor by answering that question, "What do I REALLY REALLY want?" and then strapping them on everyday and further honoring the "contract" by doing it.
oh joy, as always so
By Emily (not verified) on Wednesday, 12/16/2009 at 7:38 AMoh joy, as always so beautifully said and so wonderfully thought provoking. i love you and am inspired to lean back into the trust fall myself. xoxo