Owning Pink Bloggers
The Tremendous Healing Power of Magical Eyes
Hey Pinkies, Joy here. I just experienced one of the most powerful weekends of my life: the end of my year-long integral coaching certification program. I haven’t remotely processed it all so the components of it will come dribbling out slowly over the next … well, lifetime. But one of the first of a million awakenings came on a topic that was remarkably relevant to what we’re up to in this blessed community.
The original hurt
The concept presented was that of narcissistic wounding (don’t be thrown by the adjective; this has nothing to do with narcissism as we commonly know it). I’ll attempt to summarize based upon my limited knowledge of the topic and invite you Pinkies to clarify or add to anything I may have missed.
The notion is that, without exception, all humans become compartmentalized starting in infancy and continuing throughout childhood. Our parents (caretakers/loved ones/tribes) accept certain pieces of us, and in a number of ways make it clear that there are other parts that aren’t okay. Of course none of this is done maliciously or even consciously … it happens with our parents’ understanding of what is necessary for a person to survive and thrive. Regardless, at this young age, we begin to put the unwanted/unacceptable parts away. The idea is similar to the concept of the shadow: whatever parts of us aren’t fully expressed go underground and, in adulthood, become intolerable to us when acted out in another.
To say the very least, this doesn’t feel good. It results in an abandonment of our true selves, and an unconscious knowledge that part of us is not being seen. It’s painful. Excruciating. It is a wound.
Compensating
There are lots of things we unconsciously do with this wound – we cover it over with our personality (cleverness, humor, defensiveness, shyness, resistance, achievement, whatever). We take it into relationships and join institutions on the hope that the other person or people will heal it. However, the only way it CAN be healed is to be acknowledged. For the person – the WHOLE person – to be recognized, without expectation and without judgment. To be loved without condition. To be regarded. To be SEEN.
There are very few places and relationships in which this happens. Many a human being will go through a whole lifetime carrying their wound.
Sitting in the classroom, hearing all the words we use daily at Owning Pink in a completely different context, I suddenly perked up.
Oh my god.
This is what WE do. This is what WE do. We SEE each other. We see each other for everything we are … the magnificence and the brokenness and the divinity and the warts. The joy and the sorrow. We see all that each of us is and isn’t. We see the whole of each other. And we love one another still. We love one another MORE. I would have jumped up and shrieked at the revelation if it weren’t for my own narcissistic wound holding me back from taking up space or attention or sound waves.
This is what we do.
Duh, Joy, have you been here for the past year? Of course this is what we do. That’s why this works. This is what has attracted Pinkies from all walks of life, from everywhere in the world.
I know, I know, but see … I guess I hadn’t realized how universal this was. How life-and-death vital it is. I didn’t realize that there isn’t one among us who feels completely whole. I didn’t realize HOW powerful it was to be seen until a moment this weekend when another saw me, and I was instantly reduced to racking, cleansing sobs. I didn’t know that being seen leads to newness and rebirth. I didn’t know what courage and fearlessness and connection and power it makes way for. I didn’t know that it redefines aliveness. I didn’t know that being seen kills – at least temporarily – any doubts one may have about oneself.
I didn't know.
Until now, I didn’t know – at least, not with my whole body – that love is all there is.
All any of us needs is to be seen. And loved. And that’s what we do here. With each other. For each other. Every day. We begin to stitch back together the most essential tear in the fabric of our wholeness. We stop the bleeding. We are the saviors of each other.
Thank you, Pinkies, for what you have always done, even if I didn’t know you were doing it. Have no doubt about your power to change things. You already have.
Healing (and much more story to come),
Joy
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Sharing Magical Eyes
By Maya Hanley (not verified) on Tuesday, 07/06/2010 at 4:40 PMI just wanted to let you know that I shared this post with the new man in my life. He is a wonderful person, full of joy and love and giving and he said he was blown away by the idea of magical eyes as it's something he uses in his daily life but had not put a name or concept to it until now. We have agreed that we will make seeing with magical eyes part of our sacred agreements with each other. I just thought you'd like to know. Love always, Maya
There were so many places in
By Megan Monique Harner on Thursday, 01/28/2010 at 9:35 PMThere were so many places in this post that left me in tears. I feel so honored to be part of the Pinkies, honored to been seen with Magical eyes and honored to be allowed to love each and everyone of you for the beauty that radiates from your soul. I am Honored.
Big, warm, gentle hugs, @MeganMonique
Oh my friends. First of all,
By Joy (not verified) on Wednesday, 01/27/2010 at 7:34 AMOh my friends. First of all, Dana, wow, yes. I am smiling with confidence picturing your kiddos in adulthood. It is a rare and wonderful gift to have that kind of upbringing, and hopefully by continuing to use our magical eyes in this community and spread the message around the world, more and more children will not only be kept safe, but have their uniqueness acknowledged. It's a well-intentioned thing that parents do, trying to protect their kids, but it's the very thing that causes this rending. Thank you for being that mama who sees bigger - and more magically.
Tracy - Amen. Second everything.
Em & Lissa ... ah. Yes. I know. Thank you. It's like I've just been handed the invitation to step into my power and am dipping toes into it ever so cautiously. One of these days I'll cannonball. I have no doubt. At the moment I'm just standing in awe of the hugeness of it all, feeling big feelings, and gearing up for the next iteration of Joy. I love you both for always having seen it in me, and for being the champions of its emergence. Love you so.
xoxoxo
Emily - Hear! Hear! Tracy &
By Dana Theus on Wednesday, 01/27/2010 at 7:27 AMEmily - Hear! Hear!
Tracy & Lissa - Thanks:)
Joy, I second what Emily
By Lissa Rankin on Wednesday, 01/27/2010 at 7:10 AMJoy, I second what Emily said. Amen, sister. YOU ARE AN AUTHORITY. Step into your glorious power, love.
Joy, I see you
By Emily Simmer (not verified) on Wednesday, 01/27/2010 at 6:02 AMJoy,
I see you
and...
(newsflash)
You ARE an authority.
Of the highest damn order there is.
Keep it up you wise old crone.
We all need to hear, to learn, to know, what you have to share with us. WE NEED YOU to be an authority for us. Own it sister. OWN YOUR POWER, your authority. It's the most important challenge of your life (so far). If you don't want to do it for you, do it for us.
I repeat:
YOU ARE AN AUTHORITY.
I have always seen that. Put it on your freak flag and let 'er fly.
xoxoxoxo
Dear Tracy, We see you- and
By Lissa Rankin on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 8:46 PMDear Tracy, We see you- and yes, you are exposed- and what we see if GORGEOUS. No need to fear being seen, when being seen is what heals us all. Thank you for trusting us to be with what is most real in you
And yes, Dana. what you're doing for your children is such a blessing. I was blessed to have parents who saw the Pink in me early on and I never knew anything else until society taught me to believe otherwise. Nevertheless, always- at my core-was the underlying belief that I am worthy, I am lovable, I am enough....I speak on behalf of your kids to say THANK YOU! You have given them a huge gift they will always carry with them.
Joy - reading your post
By Tracy Pillows (not verified) on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 8:33 PMJoy - reading your post helped other things click! Amazing words. Yeah. Being seen. Heals wounds. Puts our pieces together. Allows for bravery. My biggest fear is being exposed. Being truly seen is the antidote to that fear. Communing with Owning Pink is like wandering in a foreign land and finding a tribe who speaks my language.
Dana - your telling of how you are raising your children warmed my heart. My own mother was so strong and so brave, yet she rarely felt worthy of love or that she was enough. She passed that on to me unconsciously. My challenge is undoing what I learned. The gift you're giving your children, of a sturdy foundation, is invaluable.
Love to you Pinkies!
Tracy
Joy I had to smile reading
By Dana Theus on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 11:31 AMJoy
I had to smile reading this. You DID know. You've always known, or you wouldn't have been such a core part to making what Owning Pink what is it today - and is becoming. But the joy and the challenge of being human is that there is always another layer, always another experience coming at us in the next moment to add complexity and reveal simplicity to our ever-shifting sense of self and reality. And that's what so amazing about learning to see and be seen (I think learning to be seen is also a skill, btw) with magical eyes - it just keeps getting better!
I'm so happy for you that you had this deep experience.
I had another reaction to your description of how we become fractured (warning: brief description of armchair developmental psychology coming up). I think what you describe is true, but there is another element, which is simply the way the brains work, learning to distinguish things - first in the world and then between ourselves and the world - our family and culture create separation, but so do we, biologically. It's how we become individuals and it continues until we discover who we are separate from all around us (which the tender little baby brain doesn't do very well). And once we have achieved individuation, we begin the journey back to wholeness, often by exploring all the different facets of our individuality. You're right that sometimes our culture and family don't really help this process, and can in fact hinder it, but it's a complicated process all the way around and the journey is the thing.
As a parent, my children when they were tiny babies taught me how to use my magical eyes. I saw in them the beautiful, whole little being that would become individuated and fractured and I resolved very early on ALWAYS to SEE their pink, and I have done so. I later learned that I can do it with adults too, and now I have a ton of friends:) Of course, my kids will struggle just like we all do when it comes time to reintegrate themselves, but I pray that by acknowledging their whole being from early on, I've helped them identify it and hope they will have an easier time finding it than I did. So far they are tremendously wonderful people (teenagers, even!) and so I am happy that my pink mommy strategy seems to be working (hmmmm. mother's day post?).
Anyway, thank you for opening yourself and sharing your journey with us. You are beautiful, inside and out.
Love, Light and Magical Eyes ~Dana
Thank you darling ones. I
By Joy (not verified) on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 8:48 AMThank you darling ones. I wasn't sure how this would come across. It's a powerful topic and threw several people (including me) for quite a loop - plus I'm no authority. But it's good to know it resonated. And yes, as Graciela said, it's totally life-changing and, as such, every time we hold another in love, safety, and truth, we are very literally changing a life. Thank you for seeing me. Love you.
The first time I encountered
By Graciela (not verified) on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 8:03 AMThe first time I encountered this concept was in an Imago Couples Therapy Workshop that my husband and I participated in. It is truly life-changing!
We are blessed that you are
By trish (not verified) on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 7:55 AMWe are blessed that you are willing to lay yourself raw, heal from it and share it with us. You are one remarkable young lady, wise years beyond your age. I am blessed by knowing you. We all are. Aside from that I can understand this narcissistic wound you speak of. We all have parts of us that aren't socially acceptable. We hide it and for some of us it goes deeper. This site attempts to reach some of the wound and allow it to heal from the inside out like a ruptured appendix that must be left open and dressed daily, healing from the internal to the external. Thank God for Owning Pink. I am so proud of all of you who accept and nurture others, wounds and all. Trish
Joy, As always, you've said
By Lissa Rankin on Tuesday, 01/26/2010 at 7:55 AMJoy, As always, you've said it all. THIS IS WHAT WE DO. It's hard to put into words what we do at Owning Pink. But you've done it. We SEE each other and love each other in spite of- even BECAUSE OF what we see. By exposing our vulnerabilities, we expose our wholeness. And yes- in doing so, we stitch up those core wounds and know that we are not only okay, we are perfect, just the way we are.
Thank you for sharing your truth- and for just being you. We SEE you, Joy- and we love everything we see. Winking with magical eyes, Lissa