Hi Pinkies, Joy here, going through yet another profound inner transformation. (Seriously, Joy? Again? I know, it's one of about a jillion since this time last year). Not surprisingly, I’m not feeling like myself at the moment. That’s because I’m not – at least, not the self I knew last week. I’m becoming something else, someone new, but I’m not there yet either. I’m in, if you will, personality purgatory.
A teacher likened such moments to a lobster going out into the world without a shell. That’s exactly how it feels. I’m raw, reeling, and gun-shy. I recoil at advances made, advice given, and concern expressed – no matter how well-intentioned or loving. My own capacity for patience, empathy, and love is at an all-time low.
“Handling” times like this
If this hadn’t already happened to me several times before – and if I hadn’t witnessed it in countless others - I’d be wondering what’s “wrong” with me right now. Wondering what “happened.” I’d be concerned about what this means for my relationships: why am I suddenly unable to stand so-and-so, when he’s never bothered me in the past? I’d be in full-on freak-out mode about my whole life having to change, and would be spinning my wheels trying to “plan” for the next phase even though I am completely without energy to affect anything.
Fortunately, I HAVE seen this happen before, and I’m finally able to recognize it for what it is: the in-between. The time following a discovery so emotional that it’s left me unable to do much but feel (in a way that has nothing to do with logic). I haven’t fleshed out a vision of the future me, but don’t quite fit into my old outfit. There is no reference point. Nothing to grab and hang onto. I’m in the void.
And it really is okay
Yes, to the outside world I may appear an exhausted, sluggish, bleary-eyed, useless, snippy nightmare. People might worry – ask themselves the questions I used to ask myself: “what happened?” “What’s wrong?” But this time I know what’s up, and I’m doing a little jig inside my sallow skin because I know what’s on the way. For now, though, all I can do is sit in the yuck, be kind to myself, protect myself as best I can from the energetic onslaughts, sleep, eat, bathe every now and then(!), and make my way through my days as best I know how.
It won’t happen overnight
It could be that I wake up one of these days wearing my new skin like a flashy sequin jumpsuit, hop out of bed and back onto the stage of life to give my best performance yet. Most likely, though, it will happen in stages. Like Bambi when he was first learning to walk, there will be a lot of rather dramatic listing, stumbling, and going kersplat, legs splayed in all directions. It will be awkward as hell. But with the support of my peeps (who I know will hang in no matter how “weird” I act – because they have every other time), I’ll be leaping and frolicking and wondering what the heck was so hard about that anyway.
Where Are YOU?
Anyway, Pinkies, I invite you to take stock of where you might be right now. Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of transitions we didn’t even know were happening. But there are always signs to clue us in – feelings of intolerance, impatience, even a little despair. Know that it’s all fine, and that the only thing to do in these moments is own where you are. Take the day off. Stop what you’re doing and climb in the bath. Sit with your fears. Ask for what you need. And most importantly, don’t try to figure it out right now. No amount of motivation or goal-setting is going to speed you into a place of spiritual newness. Surrender, allow, and know that we’re all here for you. Thank you for being here for me.
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