Hello dear Paulette!

I'm SO glad you found us here! Thank you so much for your note. Of course, not knowing the details of your situation my comments will be very broad.

I want to share with you the words that I *try to* live by when I am feeling hurt and angry - I learned them from Eckhart Tolle's wonderful book "A New Earth" - "...whatever you feel someone is withholding from you...forgiveness, appreciation, etc...give it to them..."

So now I would suggest that you simply accept that things seem very bleak at the moment (family and daughter are cruel) but you forgive yourself and you love them and you will continue to do so. Again, as I wrote in the article, I'm not saying that you put yourself in situations where they can be cruel to you, but in your own quiet way look for things to appreciate about them (and you!) and keep your attention there.

Again, Eckhart Tolle's book and Byron Katie's "Loving What Is" have been invaluable on my journey and if you are unfamiliar with them, I hope you will read them too!

Again, I'm so glad you found us! There is much love for you here! Stacey

Hi Ellen!

Thank you SO much for leaving such a thoughtful comment! I have learned SO much from the comments on this post - every one of them has humbled *and* inspired me.

Like Lissa, I love "Forgiveness equals freedom."

I actually chose freedom as my 2010 “word for the year” because I want it as my constant reminder and guidepost. I know your comment will help me experience it even more deeply.

Thank you again for sharing your experience and your wisdom with us! Much love, s

Stacey, I so appreciate your thoughtful post. As a life transitions coach, I never preach forgiveness. But I know how much it's helped me in my own life, and how bitter I'd otherwise feel. I believe that forgiveness comes in its own time, that it can't be forced or cajoled.

Some people tell me they think I'm crazy for forgiving the people who abused me when I was young. But forgiveness has set ME free. And I am so glad that I allowed it to happen. I honestly never thought I would forgive the people who hurt me in my childhood. But it happened over time, naturally, as I healed. And one day I realized I had genuine compassion for the people who had abused me.

Thanks so much for writing on this important topic. I truly believe that we have the power to forgive anyone for anything. And forgiveness, for me, equals freedom!

Hugs,

Ellen

Pinkies, thank you for GETTING IT! And Stacey, bless you for holding the space here. Today is our Owning Pink Think Tank meeting (we so wish you were here, Stacey!) and I know I can rest assured because the healing and sacred space is here with all of you.

Thank you all for reminding me that I can pull back sometimes, knowing that Owning Pink is a collective- about all of us- and not something I must cling to with both hands like a child I'm afraid to set free. My other always taught me that there are two things we can give our children- the first is roots. The last is wings.

Owning Pink is flying- even when I'm otherwise occupied. Thank you all for being here for yourself and for each other. Blessings and big PINK love, Lissa

Like Terrill, it was like a soothing balm to read "You did your best under hazardous conditions…” Because it's so easy to beat ourselves up for decisions/choices we made. We do the best we can.

And I have learned that for me, beyond just accepting what happened, I feel so much POWER in owning what happened. Understanding that I contributed to it, and I also have the POWER to change the future.

I know I've made some bad choices. I've paid for them. But bitterness started fading away when I realized that today, in the now, I love my life. I make choices that give me joy and fun!

My life is exactly what it's supposed to be. Everything has combined to create what I am today - and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Changing thought - a powerful gift. Thanks for sharing Stacey!

Hi again, Beth!

I love hearing about your experiences at the monastery - thank you so much for sharing them. I, too, have always wanted to spend more time in one.

And I understand that you don't feel like a hero...but anyone who speaks about difficult experiences with a willingness to have compassion for the one who hurt them is a hero in my eyes.

Marianne Williamson said "If you feel compelled to say something, it is because someone *needs* to hear it."

So please keep telling your story - you are making a big difference! Much love, Stacey

Hi Beth!

Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story! Most of us are recounting painful experiences from long ago and yours is still so fresh. I am inspired by your ability to turn the hurt so quickly into acceptance, insight and loving action. You are my hero! Much love to you, Stacey

I would like to think i've let go of the past, especially the ex husband emotional abuse, then after hearing my son spout venom at me Thurs morning, sounding just like his father, it brought up alot of stuff..he did apologize later, but he was expressing himself in a way he hardly ever does and it showed me some of his hurt. He's all Male energy and covers alot. I let it go.. knowing he was expressing hurt and anger over the situation but upset it was geared at me, even after all i do with him etc..i'm accused of not caring. Made me look at myself and i'm going to stop being on computer so much (i hope) when he comes home from school and spend more time with him, i suppport most his decisions, but if he's lonely..i will have to make sure he knows that really all his friends are welcome here. and he can go there if he needs to. The ex still brings up some resentment and grrrr feelings in me. Not as bad as he used to, i used to shake and be in fear when we would talk, now i just talk and he has no power over me...but hearing son talk in same tones of voice, scared me. I tend to fight son back when he gets angry..but as i don't need fixed neither does he.. he just needs to be let feel and emote. I'm getting there...

Dear Pinkies!

My heart *is* overflowing with gratitude and love for all of you - for the stories we are sharing and the connections we are forming and strengthening. So thank YOU.

I am heading out to dinner with my husband and we should be gone for several hours but I look forward to continuing this conversation with you!!! Much love, Stacey

Dear Stacey, Now that I have wiped the tears away, I'm okay to write a comment. Shaky, but okay. Thank you SO much for striking this chord in me.

The story that comes up for me is even more painful than others in my past that do indeed involve outside "war buddies". But in this one, I was the one who inflicted a great deal of pain on another. I was in a rocky relationship and rather than call off our engagement, I had an affair. Even now, a decade and a half later, I can still feel the guilt and shame come knocking, despite an enormous amount of healing work I have done around this.

Your counsel is so wise. Looking back at the time as a past I can't change, and knowing I did the best I could with limited self-awareness, brings me a new level of peace and self-forgiveness. I carry forward an unbreakable promise to myself that I will never ever repeat the same mistake, and this promise has withstood several tests. Ironically, my ex-fiance forgave me years ago...it's me who still holds on to the last shreds of blame and shame. Your words help me today to finally, finally move on.

Thank you, thank you, wise and gentle one!

Much love to you, Amy

Stacey, thank you for your inspiring post. I like to think of myself as a strong, independent woman, but I fell into a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship years ago. I was afraid to talk to my friends about it, because I was embarrassed.

Now, after much reflection, I realize that I teach people how to treat me. If I undervalue myself, so will others.

I don't regret my experience, because I came out of it a more confident woman. Standing up for myself in an abusive relationship and choosing "me" over the other person is very empowering.

I now try to turn my pains of the past into grateful lessons. I am grateful for my abusive relationship, because, today, I am married to the most amazing man. And I appreciate him so much more because of my experience.

Also, I refuse to let the abuser continue to control me through old pains and hurt. I own it and myself.

~Cindy

I was just listening to a podcast with Thich Nhat Hahn and was struck by a segment talking about the transformative power of our suffering. In fact, he believes that it is our only path towards transformation. But in order to use it, we have to sit with our suffering and hold it with love.

I love coming here and seeing that these same themes beautifully shared by Stacey!! Think I will seek out some old war buddies lurking in the shadows of my psyche and set them (and me) free!

Stacey - I absolutely love your articles. I find a lesson or pearl in each one; thank you so much for sharing.

I did not suffer any physical abuses in my past but I realize I'm still angry with my emotionally-absent/neglectful parents. Your statement:

"I’m just saying that when you can accept what happened—which means, more than anything else, that you understand that what happened truly did happen in a past you can’t change—then you’ll start to move on."

Acceptance is always the key to change and inner peace ... and growth. All things in time.

I so appreciate this article!!! Another key to self-reflection :-)

I'm particularly struck by Stacey's reassurance "You did your best under hazardous conditions..." Being a survivor (of what I now can recognize as horrific abuses) I have, over time, forgiven others and most importantly myself. It wasn't a one step journey, nor was it a quick passage from difficult and inappropriate experience to forgiven. What is important now is that I chose to take the path to forgiveness. Though I would not wish these experiences on anyone - there has been tangible gifts. To name a few:

I now have excellent boundaries that are communicated with firm grace and integrity.

I now have an outstanding ability to maintain a focus and commitment to my intentions.

I now have huge compassion and awareness for those on their trauma healing journey.

I can now love with vivacious abundance because of my ability to forgive others and myself.

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What a great post Stacey for those exploring the power of forgiveness. We may never be able to make it right but we can sure make it better.

warm regards, Terrill Welch