Ok. I won't (I'm anonymous, remember?), but 60 other women will show you pictures of their vulvas in the book I'll Show You Mine, by Wrenna Robertson and Katie Huisman.

So, what is the big deal about sex and orgasms? I recently came across this question sent in to the WTF? Questions You’d Ask Your Sex Therapist If Only You Had One post. Of course, if you’re trying to have a baby, the answer is pretty simple, but I didn’t think the questioner was really asking about the procreative aspects of sex. My first personal reaction was “because it’s fun!” But then it occurred to me that I know people who feel guilty when they experience sexual fun, which makes it difficult for them to fully enjoy it, much less own their sexuality fully and freely. This struck me as too bad, and I got curious to see if there were other reasons to have sex – reasons that might help them overcome the guilt. I poked around a little and came up with some good stuff.

"How to orgasm?" is a big question that has come up on WTF: Questions You’d Ask Your Sex Therapist If Only You Had One. In Part II we explored how mentally-driven achieving orgasm can be for women. Why? Who the hell knows. Frankly this bugged me until I got more adept at fantasy, and then I thought it was the coolest thing since menthol lube. Learning to masturbate really well -- to reach MY special kinds of orgasms that work for me -- was a huge step I took in owning my sexuality. And it happened decades after I first learned to orgasm. This is not a simple skill, and I think it can take a lifetime to master.

There's only one place to start -- touching yourself. There’s more to masturbating than just being comfortable in your own head. With rare exception (some women can get off without actually touching themselves) we need to touch ourselves or be touched to generate those feelings that result in orgasm.

So, ladies, touch yourselves.

I can’t orgasm. What can I do?

I've gotten a couple of readers asking this question they wish they could ask a sex therapist. It's interesting that this question comes in many flavors, "I can have an orgasm by myself but not with a partner," and conversely, "I can orgasm with a partner but not by myself." I understand too, that some women have never had an orgasm at all. (If you're in this latter category, try the stuff in these posts, but also see your gynecologist in case there are physical issues that can be addressed.)

It's absolutely true that the female orgasm is complicated and more an art than a science. But according to Lissa in What's Up Down There?, 85-90% of women are physically capable of orgasming -- so if you struggle to come, it's likely that if you work at it a bit you'll be able to find your own special sauce and learn how to slather it! Some women report being able to orgasm from fantasy alone!