A Crossroads

I am at a crossroads in my life, and as often happens at crossroads, I feel a bit of pain. Down one of three or four potential roads I might walk lies strange but exciting newness. Down another, loss, but with possibility. A third would require potentially painful growth. A fourth, complete uncertainty. None will be easy. All will require a stretch, and with stretching, we tend to hurt.

Hiya Pinkies! I wrote this post last week, very early in the morning, while I was in Big Sur, and I wanted to share it with you.

Clinging to the Moment

I awoke early this morning to the nature sounds of Big Sur. My husband still sleeping, I threw on a sweater and made my way to outdoor sofa, overlooking the breathtaking view of Big Sur’s ocean cliffs. The sun was just beginning to cast its pink-hued glow on the landscape, and I ran back into the house to find my camera, so I could capture the beauty. I kept trying, take after take. But try as I might, my little Canon just couldn’t reproduce what I was seeing with my own eyes. Then I realized I needed to stop. I was trying so hard to freeze the moment in time that I was forgetting to simply enjoy it. So I put down the camera and enjoyed the sunrise, knowing that the memory of it would exist only in my mind.

The Origins of Pain

I saw a patient today who inspired me- let’s call her Sally. She suffers from a host of medical conditions that threaten to rob you of your mojo- fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and chronic pelvic pain. When this young woman walked into my office, she looked like crap. Before looking at her chart, I thought she had cancer. Gaunt and pale, her skin hung on her skeleton like she was in the last grip of life. During the first half hour, she didn’t smile once. I felt the anxious tug we doctors feel when we see people like this, the one that says “I’m not going to be able to help this person,” which triggers insecurities and, often, judgments, in our own minds. It becomes about us, rather than being about them. We have a tendency to turn off because we don’t want to fail. But I vowed not to do this. Sitting in her presence, I was determined to be present for Sally and sit with whatever is true, rather than letting my own stuff get in the way.