The other day I got one of those email forwards – you know, one of those anonymously written messages that sometimes comes with an introductory “This made me laugh” or “So true!” from the sender. These days it’s rare that I get such an email, and it’s even more rare that I read it. But when this one appeared in my inbox, I just had to look, in that can’t-stop-watching-a-train-wreck sort of way. Its title: “Why men are never depressed.” Its first line: “Men are just happier people -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?”

Oh, boy, here we go, I thought. Without even putting on my psychologist hat and pointing out that millions of men do get depressed, I bristled. And then I broiled. Flush with gender stereotypes and wink-wink-nudge-nudge “Aren’t we so superior?” connotations, this email set me back on my heels… and tried to set us all back about 30 years.

With a gripey, catty tone, the email lists all of the ways that men’s lives are easier, happier, and ostensibly better than women’s. Its general gist is that it’s really hard to be a woman. Now, I don’t disagree with that. But I vehemently disagree with the reasons the email cites, with its premise that men’s lives are inherently better, and with its implications about what we should do about this state of affairs: sit around and bitch.

Talking back

Maybe I’ll be accused of having no sense of humor, but I think that the way we talk about -- and even joke about -- these matters, matters. So I feel compelled to respond. I’ll spare you the full text, but here are a few choice excerpts, along with a few choice words of my own.

• Your last name stays put. So did mine.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves. We all have the option to get married at city hall. (We also have the choice to marry partners who want to be involved in planning a wedding.)
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Listen up, women of the world: If we stop wearing uncomfortable shoes, they will stop making them!
• You only have to shave your face and neck. Is this really easier than shaving your legs and your pits? Wait, do any of us really have to shave any of these parts anyway?
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. We can all wear shorts. Not without being judged, of course. But come on, are you really not judging that guy sporting the white socks and sandals with his clam diggers?
• You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park. Ah, yes, that’s important.
• You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Do these kinds of stereotypes really need reinforcing, especially from ourselves?    
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Nobody should be getting extra credit… which means that nobody should be giving it.  
• You can never be pregnant. Now that’s just mean. Plenty of men I know would die to give birth. Well, maybe not literally, but I know a few who’d risk it.
• You can be President. Whoa. I mean, really, WHOA. Did someone forget to tell me something?

Being a woman isn’t easy

Let me be clear: there are a lot of really difficult things about being a woman. One of those things, as the email hints, is coping with society’s unrealistic expectations. Despite huge strides in gender equality, we are still expected to conform to very specific, and often unattainable, images of how women should look, talk, and act. We face, and have to fight, these expectations every day. But how does it help us to throw up our hands and reinforce the stereotypes about ourselves with snarky emails? Especially when there’s real work to do? I’m not suggesting that the work of defying or dismantling expectations is easy. It’s hard to get comfortable showing your legs in public when you don’t look like a model. It’s hard to run for political office or to compete in a field where women are traditionally underrepresented. But I don’t want to sigh and keep on wearing long pants with uncomfortable shoes. I want to do the hard work, both on my own and as part of a collective.

I also want to have an honest conversation about choices. Many women still don’t have all of the choices that they should have, especially in certain parts of society and in certain parts of the world. This is a very real and very important issue, which begs us to be specific about where women really don’t have choices, and to raise hell about it. But the flipside is that we’ve got to acknowledge where we do have choices and make those choices. We have the choice about whether to change our last names and whether to educate ourselves and our daughters about how to turn a bolt. Maybe our mothers or grandmothers didn’t, but let’s honor the liberating work they did for us by making strong choices where we can. If we waste time talking about white t-shirts, how will we get anywhere with the conversations about real choices, about how to get them and then how to navigate them?

Being a man isn’t easy, either

But the stereotypes about women weren’t the only things that upset me in that email. The message’s ‘clever’ barbs highlighted something equally important and equally upsetting: men are judged and stereotyped, too. And this hurts everybody, including, but not limited to men. How does it help women to make snarky comments about men’s wrinkled clothes and facial hair? Aren’t we just imposing on them the same image-conscious expectations we’re fighting against ourselves? Why are we recycling the boxes we've been put in, when we could be out there destroying them instead? 

About ten years ago, I had the chance to hear Gloria Steinem speak. I was startled and inspired by her message, which was basically this: We had to fight like hell to liberate women so that they could make their own choices, and even though we’re not done, we’ve come far enough to tackle the next crucial challenge: liberating men. She pointed out the limitations on men’s choices, giving the example that it is socially unacceptable (in many circles) for a man to devote his life to being a caregiver, despite the fact that it is now acceptable (in most circles) for a woman to have a career in finance or technology. Let’s fix this, she challenged all of us in the audience. And I, for one, accept that challenge. Until we can all be whoever we want to be -- and own ALL of the facets that make us whole, no one can be who she or he wants to be.

Happier men, happier women, happier people  

Here’s how that email forward ends: “No wonder men are happier.” Is this really true? I don’t have statistics to back me up, (and you don’t want me to put on that psychologist hat because then I’ll get all hung up on how we’re defining happiness…), but I doubt it. It’s not easy to be a woman. But even though I can’t speak from experience, it seems like it’s not easy to be a man these days either. It’s not easy to be a person, period – that is, a person who is peaceful and peaceable, respectful and respectable. If any of us has a prayer of becoming all of those things, it’s only by trying to get there together. We can’t lift ourselves up by tearing each other down.

So let’s all put on our comfortable shoes and choose what body parts we do and don’t want to shave. And then let’s all show up and talk to each other and hash it out. Stereotypes? Smash ‘em. Unrealistic expectations? Break ‘em. Stupid emails that try to make us complacent? Delete ‘em. Social problems? Fix ‘em. Together. What do you think?

Rolling up my sleeves,