It’s amazing what children can teach us.

Recently, I had the pleasure to work as one of more than a dozen or so caregivers participating in a “Day of Pampering” for the women of an organization that operates an undisclosed 200 room safe house in Northern Virginia for female domestic violence and sexual assault survivors and their children.  The Day of Pampering was being held at a local church. The congregation there had graciously offered to open their doors to the volunteers and survivors. My job that day was to give Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy and bodywork to survivors who had signed up for the day.

My first “client” of the day was Najya. That is not her real name, but we have to protect her identity. She came to me on that day to receive energy work. Reiki and Cranial-Sacral Therapy can be very effective methods to re-introduce nurturing touch to survivors, as they are very non-invasive techniques.

I always ask for permission before I begin the session and before I apply touch. It’s the client’s session – in this case, Najya’s session – not mine. She needs to set the tone and the pace. Permission is always required.

Breathing

While I do not have a set protocol when working with survivors, I often like to begin with a deep breathing exercise. It’s a safe exercise, and it helps to bring the client into the moment, helps her to relax, and helps re-connect her with her body.

It’s fascinating. We don’t think about how we breathe, we take breathing for granted and many of us have literally forgotten how to perform this basic act. We have lost our ability to breathe naturally, in the way in which our body was designed.  Our lungs are teardrop shaped, and they are meant to be filled from the bottom up. That means breathing from deep within the belly, engaging the thoracic diaphragm, and filling our lungs with air from the bottom up. However, most people fill their lungs from the top down. They engage chest and neck muscles when they breathe.  It’s called “chest breathing”, and this is often the source of neck and shoulder pain, and the cause of headaches.

As I began the session, I guided Najya through a typical breathing exercise. I usually do variations of this exercise.  

But, Najya was definitely having trouble with this. Try as she might, she just couldn’t seem to get the hang of engaging her belly muscles, engaging her diaphragm.  And I just wasn’t doing a very good job guiding her through this.

“I can’t get a full breath,” she said frustratedly.

“No worries,” I replied. “Let’s just move on."

Calming

So, for the next 10-15 minutes I performed gentle massage, Reiki, and some Cranial Sacral Therapy. I focused my attention on her head, neck and shoulders – gentle, very subtle manipulations, in a very nurturing way. I checked in with Najya throughout, always asking permission to move on. It was her session, and she was in control. And as progressed through the session, I noticed that she began to relax and become more present and in the moment. As that happened, her breathing began to subtly shift from her chest to her belly and diaphragm. And in the end, she was breathing deep from her belly.

Her head was in my hands, and I was about to end the session. I asked her, “How do you feel?”

She took a few seconds to reply and said, “I feel calm.”

I don’t know what made me ask, but I said, “Do you have any children?”

She looked at me, smiled and said, “Yes, I have a baby boy. He’s 8-months old.”

“Have you ever watched him breathe?” I asked.

She thought about it for a second and said, “Not really. No.”

“Where is he?” I asked in hopes that she had brought her young son to the daycare center that the safe house volunteers provided.

“Yes, he is here. He’s in the nursery,” she replied.

And then I quickly answered, “Let’s go see him.”

Connecting

I helped her off the massage table, and we walked down the hall together to the nursery. As we entered, Najya walked over to a volunteer who was holding a very big baby boy in her arms, rocking him as he slept. He had a dark head of hair, and a gentle smile on his face as he slept in the arms of his caregiver.

Najya smiled at the volunteer and whispered, “Let me take him.” The volunteer gently handed over this plump baby boy to his mother.

“What is his name?” I asked.

Najya replied, “He is Bahir.” She looked down lovingly at this beautiful baby boy.

Najya cradled her son in her arms.  He was sound asleep, and as she held him, she broadened her stance and began to sway slightly, mimicking the rhythm of his breathing.

“Put your hand on his belly,” I whispered as I moved closer to both of them. “Close your eyes and feel the sensation of his breath.” She placed her left hand on his belly, and then closed her eyes, searching for the rhythm of his breath.

“Feel his breath and make it your own,” I said. As I said this, I could watch this little baby boy extend his belly, breathe in through his nose, and ever so slightly breathe out through his mouth.

We stood together in silence for several minutes and Najya began to connect with her son.

After a few minutes I asked, “May I hold him?”

Without a word, she slipped her son into my arms. I quickly said, “Place your hand on his belly, and place your other hand on your belly and mimic his breathing.”

Then, the three of us were just stood there in silence, swaying gently. There was a gentle rhythm to his breath and I was able to count Little Bahir’s breathing patterns. His belly filled to the count of five, and he exhaled to the count of eight.  He was sound asleep and just doing this naturally.

“Feel his breath and begin to breathe as one,” I said.

And so we stood there for several minutes. I’m not sure how much time really passed.  But, I could see that her breathing patterns had changed. She was now taking deep full breaths, in a very relaxed and natural way. She was breathing as her body was designed to do.

I also noticed subtle changes in her posture. Her shoulders were no longer up around her ears. Tension lines had disappeared from her face.

“Continue to focus on the breath,” I said and I returned her son to her arms.

Returning

When we were born, we all breathed like babies. And then somewhere in the transition from baby to “little person,” we forgot how to breathe. We lost the connection to our belly, and to that place that grounds us to the earth.

But, we can definitely recapture this feeling. We want to breathe this way. It only requires training and desire.

Najya, Bahir and I stood together in the silence for a few more minutes.

“How do you feel now?” I asked.

She replied, “Wonderful!"

“Practice this,” I said. “Mimic the way your son breathes and let him teach you,” I said.

I stood there for a few minutes more and then quietly slipped out of the room.

It was a wonderful day. One of my favorite parts of the day was to walk around and watch the children rolling in play doh, making jewelry, playing on the play ground or in the nursery, so content and being rocked and played with by a volunteer care-giver.

I saw nearly 20 “clients" that day. But Najya was the most memorable. As I packed up my table and supplies at the end of the day and carried them to my car, I noticed Najya from across the parking lot.  She glanced up and saw me. She placed her hand on her belly, and I could see that she took a deep breath from all the way across the parking lot. She closed her eyes and smiled.

It’s amazing what children can teach us.

Breathing,
Fred