When the opportunity first arose for me to be a regular blogger on Owning Pink, I barely hesitated before saying YES! I had no idea how I would swing it – I have a full-time job and a young son, among other commitments, plus this pesky writer’s block I have been fighting for nearly half my life. But my heart responded to the offer without first consulting with my head. And as it turns out, I’m glad it did.

Reaching big… and getting beaten down

It is an interesting thing that happens when we throw our hats over the fence like this – commit to something when we have no idea if we can deliver. Ideally, you’d hope the stars would immediately align and pave your path with rose petals, but does it ever really happen like that? Maybe once in a while, if you’re lucky. But more often – at least in my experience – your commitment is an open invitation for the doubts and panic to swoop in and try to convince you that you’ve done something crazy and had better try to back out. I refer to this process as a boxing match because that is how it feels to me – the resistance has me pinned in the corner, pummeling me in the face, and just as I am deciding this is not worth the effort and getting ready to wave my white surrender flag, an unexpected burst of strength wells up and propels me back into the ring, and back and forth we go.

So has been the last several months for me (14 years really, but I’ll save that story for another post). Inspiration would strike, I’d jot an excited first draft in my notebook, sometimes even thinking “This is it! This will be my first piece! This will be great!” But when I’d sit down at my computer and begin typing, something about seeing these crisp, uniform characters popping up on a pristine white screen would freak me out. The words, perfectly comfortable as scrawly notebook scribbles, suddenly seemed way out of their league.

Make love not punishments

I thought about quitting, I even sort of tried. I told the staff at Owning Pink that I wasn’t sure if or when I would get it together. But within my words they heard my heart louder than my head, my desire louder than my fear – bless them! They had faith in me. They didn’t pressure me. They told me I had time and encouraged me to take it. They kept me on their roster. They posted my bio on the new site when it launched. They trusted that I would catch up with my desire, even when I myself wasn’t sure. Not in words, but in actions, they reminded me how this whole process works. They acted as a detached but hopeful witness, the most loving, supportive parent figure one could dream of. They treated me the way I strive to treat myself.

Writing this piece was not going to happen for me if I demanded or forced it. I had to instead relax, let go of my attachment to the outcome, and let it unfold in its own time and own way. I had to start by letting in all the resistance, as counterintuitive as that seemed. I had to listen to it and honor what it had to say, let it take all the time it needed to pepper me with “what ifs,” before finally thanking it for its input and sending it on its way. It’s actually a much gentler process than my boxing metaphor would suggest, even if it doesn’t always feel that way. It’s not magical or perfect, nor is it usually quick or easy. It is uncomfortable and uncertain, but it is honest, and it is worthwhile.

And repeat (and repeat and repeat and repeat…)

I know this boxing match is far from over. And at the same time, I am grateful I had that sucker pinned long enough to get this piece out. The most important lessons often seem to be the toughest to internalize. I will keep reminding myself that the “hows” are not my concern, reaffirming my intention and my faith in both the process and myself.

What about you – how are you treating yourself regarding your intentions? Are you having compassionate patience, honoring wherever you’re at in the process, or are you beating yourself up? If it is the latter, I invite you not to beat yourself up for beating yourself up! This is the perfect place to start.

Removing the gloves,

Emily