For as long as I can remember, I have been on a path of independence and freedom. But as I approach my 43rd birthday, two days after Independence Day, I sense something has shifted and I've moved from independence towards something scarier -- namely, responsibility and sovereignty. I also sense that my journey isn't so different from that of our world. Let me explain.
My particular independence journey was spurred by growing up in a patriarchal family, where men naturally assumed their superiority, freely ridiculed and teased girls and women (for being just that), and where the women sort of played along, disguising their strength in many ways. Late into early adulthood I was still rebelling against men, doing all kinds of things to prove my equality -- often, ironically, in their muscle-flexing, can-do masculine ways. There were a lot of men to be independent from and not unlike those Jefferson types in the 17th century, I felt I was fighting for my basic human rights. Truth be told, I was also a tad disappointed in women for being weak, meek, and huffing along with such demeaning relationships.
Marriage didn't have much appeal to me -- it seemed at most an arduous endeavor, an imprisonment of passion and spirit. Not to mention the conforming tendencies of the social security system of my country, Denmark, where few had courage to stand out and do something unexpected and entirely individualistic.
As you can tell, I grew up in the early 80s -- when anarchists and punks sang songs against corporations and nuclear power, and young women put on big shoulder pads and nylons to pursue their career dreams. These were the "be your own happy smith" years, these were the post 60s burn-your-bra times, when the individualistic kind of independence was on the rise. And with it, many an ego too. Me, mine, my.
No one gets to hide
Thus began my search for freedom and true purpose in this life. I traveled, I flirted with a number of careers, slept with various men, and it was all very adventurous, far away from home -- but did I find independence? Not really. I played out the same dance as most others, wanting to belong, developing a sense of security with someone or something to blame when things didn't turn out the way I wanted. My independence ran up against that which I couldn't or didn't want to do.
Sort of like when my father got tired of my pre-teen feminist attacks, and asked me to fix the flat bicycle myself. I defiantly poked more holes in the tubes than there were before and he eventually had to come to rescue. So much for my sense of equality! I wanted to be helped, but was too proud to ask for it. Or when I ventured out in the big mountain and liked having a guy with me, just in case. Or when I got married, and liked to 'hide' my own power behind the stage-loving husband of mine, only to later blame him for taking all the spotlight and not liking to share it with me. This may have been true, but the point is, we don't exist independently of each other -- we exist in relation to each other. And we have a responsibility to both ourselves and to each other. No one gets to hide.
Self-Responsibility
With divorce, responsibility became the word of the day. When my father taught me about action and consequence, and made sure I was a responsible and reliable person, he somehow forgot to tell me about the importance of self-responsibility. Despite my rebellious streak, my inner nice girl was prominent. In my relations with others I was trying to be responsible and loyal -- so loyal that I would put my own needs and desires aside.
The divorce was a long held cry from my soul to wake up and take responsibility for my own happiness. A few good years of practicing responsibility to myself and my well-being and life followed. Fiercely owning it -- the dark and the light -- I put down stiff boundaries, acted out tug-and-pull wars of what would be good and better (which always meant worse) for me, and explored all of the places where I slacked in self-care and was afraid of standing in my true power. The day a man, trying to control and manipulate me, told me I was selfish was indeed a milestone. Proudly, I responded: "Thank you, do you have any idea how long its taken me to get here?"
Pull Back My Power
But lately, something has shifted again and brought sovereignty to my attention.
Some time in February my soul demanded "full stop." It was like whatever I had been doing up until that point was no longer aligned with my heart's desire or truth. So I stopped, pulled back loose connections, plucked holes that drained energy and finances and waited for inspiration for the new to come. But instead of a new enticing vision, all kinds of craziness came my way. An onslaught of technical problems, car break downs, big bills and low tide in my business. On top of this came a tax audit. Those of you who've been there know, there's nothing like a tax audit that will bring you to your knees of survival fears and authority angst!
I got a pain in my neck, literally, and made panic calls to my CPA, and got all wrapped up in self-pitying rants: I was meant to finish my book and develop my Lolo projects, for goddess sake, not look at silly paperwork of the past. But that was what I did, night after night, trying to align numbers, receipts, statements and calendars. And in those wee hours, it dawned upon me that I'd not only volunteered most of my personal energy to the audit people, I'd also imagined the IRS institution to be a monstrous system that was out to crush little creative types like me. I was totally, completely surrendering all of my personal power, and to what? A money game that I had sort of agreed to play. What a waste of creative energy! Thus began my pull-back-my-power project, and initiation into what I can best describe as sovereignty.
Feeding my joy
Instead of giving the IRS all my attention, all of my joy, I accepted the situation, went as deep as I possibly could into the discomfort of it, until it lightened -- and then, it sort of balanced out. I did what I had to do, and continued with my life, feeding my joy rather than my angst. I even went as far as thinking that the tax lady needed me more than I needed her. After a couple of meetings, it became clear that the accountant (who had helped to set up my accounts) had not really explained to me the inner-workings. In addition, my CPA had assumed certain things about my profit loss statements that now will cost me a lot of money.
The whole experience was not so much a case of trusting blindly, but rather another example of my left-handed, denial-full delegations of what truly was and is my business foundation and sole responsibility. I need to know what's up in my life, down to the details of my god darn books! That is self respect and love in its most potent expression. I think this is what sovereignty is -- being comfortable standing in the middle of your own authority.
True Freedom
Why am I telling you about this experience in such detail? Because I learned that independence and freedom is not about escaping the mundane to sidestep life's serious questions. It's about being present to reality. We cannot control what happens in our lives, but we have the power of heart and mind and soul to control how we respond to and feel about what's happening. It's less important what we do, and more important how what we do makes us feel. I'm no advocate for the optimistic happiness culture of our times, but I would like to advocate for a new sense of sovereignty in which we take full responsibility for our experience, within and without. This is true freedom.
I am also telling you because I sense my story is maybe also your story -- and even that of our world in recent times. We cannot escape what is. We are learning that we are co-creating this world of ours down to the cell-level. We are not separate entities from each other, from nature, stars, planets and beyond. We live and breathe each other, so to speak, and what we do, think, and feel affects the state of each other, the state of our planet and world. And that includes the dark side stuff like oil spills and dysfunctional patriarchal systems that no longer serve us. We are in this together. And we are all needed to shift things towards a new experience, one we can be proud of, one in which we honor each other and mother nature, one in which we thrive in heart and soul, and one in which we feel joy-full and free in the best way.
So, on this Independence Day of 2010, I think we can agree that independence is an outdated concept for our time. I'd like to suggest that we adopt personal and collective sovereignty instead, and find ways to fully embrace our responsibility to ourselves, to our fellow humans, to mother earth and our world. And proudly, joyfully so ....
What do you think? What does it mean to you to be independent in 2010? Can we be both independent and recognize the ways in which we are all connected, in all ways? How to you embrace your responsibility?
cell 415-350-3232
email lone@lolosboudoir.com
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Comments
Thank You Lissa....
By Lone (not verified) on Monday, 07/05/2010 at 8:41 AMYesterday I saw plenty of people in joy, and though the 4th used to be fueled by nationalism, I think people today celebrate, because they want to enjoy together, because they know we are in this together, 'inter-dependently' ...
Smiles... Lone
Happy Sovereignty, Lone!
By Lissa Rankin on Monday, 07/05/2010 at 8:23 AMI LOVE this post Lone. So beautiful-and inspiring. Thank you for sharing, sweetie.
xoxo