Caren,
I am late in commenting on your post but I was away from my computer over the weekend and I couldn't figure out how to write to you on my iPhone!

I just wanted to say "Bravo!" for the clarity and honesty about your decision and to thank you for putting it out there. Too often, I hear the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) message from mothers (and fathers) that choosing parenthood is superior to other life choices. I just do not agree.

I recently posted an essay about my struggle with infertility and my painful confrontation with the possibility that I might not have a child. Because I knew in my heart that motherhood is what I wanted, I could not ever get my head around any alternative. But that's because I KNEW I wanted children.

Now that I have them, I often think to myself that this is a job you really have to want. It is tough and demanding and often not all that rewarding. There are many, many moments that I have to remind myself that this is what I yearned for. I am very happy with my decision to have children, but I would never wish it on someone who was not so sure. Just like I would not wish anything for someone who did not really want it. Sounds obvious, but I also know that it is not uncommon for people to question your choice, as if you were making some kind of misguided mistake.

Quite honestly, I think many parents feel ambivalence about their own choice and so feel the need to defend against it. We love our children and we also sometimes envy the freedom of those who do not have them. That's why again I say: you have to really want it.

Finally, there are many ways to be a productive citizen of the world, and not all of them involve giving birth. As Elizabeth Gilbert (also childless by choice) points out in her recent book, the role of the "aunt" in our society is absolutely essential. Many very accomplished people throughout history were helped along their path by someone from outside the family who was able to provide encouragement and financial support only because they did not have the responsibility of their own children. I know my family benefits greatly from our relationships with two childless couples we are very close to. They are the "cool" aunts and uncles who my children adore.

Okay, sorry for the long rant. I just wanted to send a virtual "high-five" from a woman who is a mother to a woman who chooses not to be. It's all good.

Lisa

Thanks Jilian,

I applaud you for admitting what so many women I know won't, would you do it again? No. But wouldn't change it for the world. I appreciate your honesty and your support.

Blessings,
Caren

I applaud your courage in our life decisions which goes against societal and cultural norms for many.

I am empathetic to your decision of childless by choice because I too early in life thought that would be the life I had. That was the conscious decision I intended to make. While my girlfriends were dreaming of their families and homes they would create, I was dreaming of my career and world travel that I would be embarking on.

The universe had different plans for me and I embarked on a journey of self discovery through single motherhood and being a mother of twins. Would I do it over? No. Would I change it? Not for the world. I have experienced a love that I never thought possible through my children. But it does come with a price. There is heartache,worry, struggles, frustration, self-sacrifice and loss that is sometimes difficult to bear.

At times, I do reminisce what my life would have been like without my children. However, the universe offers us what is that we need as opposed to what we want.

I admire your strength in your choices and knowing what is "right" for you. That must be why you are the "perceptive one".

Great work!

I am so honored to hear everybody share their personal experiences. As women it can be tough to make the decision not to have children, especially because we have been conditioned as children to have them.

Thank you so much for all the response and kindness. It means so much to me. I honor all of you in your decisions to be or not to be mothers.

Love and Blessings,
Caren

Hi Caren,

I really loved this post. I love how secure you are in your choice - that is absolutely wonderful. And you demonstrate so beautifully how, even if each of us makes different choices, we can support each other in these choices.

I do still hope to have children myself (still need to find the man, though, as I only want to have children if married!), but I would never, ever judge any woman who decides that she doesn't want to have them.

I don't understand why people have to judge each other and each other's decisions. Why can't all of us be more open and realize that none of us walks in each other's shoes - each of us has our own unique journey.

Great post...

~ Rachel

Thank you for your authentic voice and expression of your choice (at this present time, anyway).

I made the choice to be childless continually over my child-bearing years, mostly because I was intensely involved in my career and truly believe we can't serve two masters. It was never a flat-out "No, i will not have children." Instead, the ongoing choice-making happened each time the issue came up and sounded more like, "Not now... my career... too busy... couldn't be the mom I'd want to be..."

Of course, there are costs to any important choice. As you have done, I also acknowledged those costs. Still, I do not in any way regret my choice. I was married several times, but never supported financially. I was the sole bread-winner. Given the options available to me at the time, I made the best possible choices. AND, none of that is important in making your choice.

Instead of mothering, I had a wonderful 20-year career and regard at least a thousand students and perhaps a hundred colleagues as my offspring.

There are many ways to go through this life. Each one has costs and blessings. Fortunately, each individual gets to make her own choices. As Ram Dass once told me, "If you choose A, there are consequences. If you choose B, there are consequences." No choice is better than another; it simply has a different learning experience. It's ALL good.

Hi Caren,
This is a beautiful, heartfelt message to all of us out here, childless or with children. We each have our own inner compass and it's THAT that guides us; not what the world around us thinks is "right" for us.

My 5 year old daughter is musing alot lately about whether or not she'll be a mom one day. Most days she thinks not. And then we weave together stories about what her life will be like as an adventurer, a leader, a dancer, a dear friend, a loving animal owner. On the days she thinks she might be a mom we sit more quietly, talking about how we are as mom and daughter, and what she might want to do with her child. I love that she's willing to anticipate that her life might look very different from mine.

Thanks for putting this out there. It's a heartfelt choice, not a duty, to become a mother.

Loving the choice I made, and the friends whose choice was different,

Amy