I'm a giver.
That's right,... get your mind into the gutter, cause that's where I'm talking to you from.
It's hard for me to receive, sexually. I've been so concerned with my partner's pleasure, making sure she gets off and gets eveything she wants. Why? Cause I'm a recovering mama's boy and I'm doing what I know to do — make sure Mommy likes me so I know I'm lovable.
And every now and then, following this pattern, I wonder... what about me?
Could I not also be a receiver — willing to step into the unknown of what feelings arise as I experience (or don't) my own sense of pleasure or pain as guided by another?
Both roles, giver and receiver, seem frought with their own challenges:
My experience thus far is telling me: it's time for me to take responsibility for my pleasure and let go of being a pleaser.
I'm not telepathic... yet.
When it comes to getting what I want, I might actually need to communicate my needs, my wants,... my desires. Sometimes, that can be done with my body language, and other times, I might actually have to open my mouth... to speak words, people, words!
When I speak my desire and I'm really feeling it, I tend to experience my own turn-on in that moment.
Regardless of how my partner reacts, a part of me knows how to turn myself on. I'm not saying it's easy or that I do it all the time (cause I don't). I am saying that this is very exciting for me. I have often been waiting for my partner to be turned on by my pleasing her sexually so that I can feel turned on. I've made her responsible for me feeling turned on. When I hear her moan, I get an ego-boost and the approval I've been seeking.
So if she felt the same way -- that we're each responsible for turning on the other -- who's supposed to go first and who's doing what to whom exactly?
It's very confusing.
What if instead, I just focused on turning myself on, inviting her into my experience of pleasure, and seeing what happens when our individual energies mix and play together from that place?
What about you? Are you primarily more comfortable as a giver or receiver? How do you own your own turn on when being sexual with others? And how do you communicate your desire?
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