We broke up, but the sex is better than ever.

About once a week, my husband rolls his eyes at me over the morning paper (well, the morning ipad) because I accidentally reveal my total lack of pop cultural literacy. I roll my eyes right back at him because while I think it's reasonable for him to know who's in the Superbowl (and equally reasonable for me not to), I can't figure out why he knows or cares about what Glee is.

We always get a good laugh out of it, so this divorce article isn't about marital stress --this is about how pop culture (affectionately known to me as PC) and I let our relationship disintegrate until we drifted into divorce without even realizing it. It's about the dialog I'm having with myself about my gradual-but-accelerating lack of interest in PC sex. Am I just becoming a old, unplugged fuddy duddy, afraid to try new positions? Will the sex ever be as good as it used to be?

Less Sex

Me and PC used to have a hot relationship. I was just as addicted to TV, top 40 stations, block buster movies and beach reading as anyone until I was in my mid 20's. I mean, if we had been married, we'd have been bopping like bunnies seven times a week or more. But then I got out of school and had bigger chunks of time on my hands after work. I started noticing that I got depressed easily. Now, there were enough depressing things in my life that I can't blame this entirely on PC, but I became very aware that the more I watched TV, browsing channels looking for something interesting, the more depressed I would get. I can't tell you exactly why (though I have theories), and I know this doesn't happen to other people (my husband, for example), but when I discovered that reading a magazine didn't have the same effect... and that creating anything (writing a poem or rearranging the furniture) had the opposite effect and made me feel alive and vital, my relationship with PC started to struggle.

Lissa talks about how our vaginas sometimes know before we do when our relationship sucks, and in my PC marriage my emotional vagina complained loudly. I had less PC-TV sex and started spending more time with human beings. I was also less depressed. (Note, I still wasn't "happy" and had to fix a lot of other things, including going through a true divorce, in my life to bring happiness into being, but turning off the TV was an important first step.)

I Played Around

My disinterest in TV sex didn't diminish my interest in PC sex completely, and while I had PC sex a little less often, maybe four times a week (going on movie dates and book and radio jags), I was definitely playing the field.

Then the Internet came along. Back in the old days (early '90's), there really wasn't much content on websites, but email was awesome. I even got off at work, making wild monkey love to my computer (I was the first in my office to have one) that gave me email access to my colleagues and clients all over the world, 24x7. I'm a people person. This was the best PC sex of my life to that point.

An Occasional Orgasm Doesn't Make Up For An Abusive Relationship

Having been through a real life divorce, I know that there are lots of ways to abuse and be abused in a close relationship. Most forms of abuse are pretty subtle - like gentle manipulation, delivered with love even, but leaving you feeling invalidated. In any relationship you have to look for the subtle clues -- and while not a 100% reliable, sex is a good barometer of marital satisfaction. For example, even when the sex is hot for a few minutes here and there, if a 1:3 hit honeymoon ratio turns into a 1:25 hit rate (my current orgasm stats with movies, for example), something's wrong.

As I got older and kept pursuing happiness I started to notice what made me feel good and what made me feel bad. Like taking responsibility for learning what turns you on physically, I started finding and playing with dials inside me like the TV-low/Creative-high dial I found early on. In search of the perfect PC orgasm, I found myself tuning most PC out, often because I could make myself feel better, but also because PC just wasn't paying enough attention to my needs. I felt more aware of what made me uniquely happy (not what PC thought should make me happy), what brought meaning and joy into my life (not what PC wanted to sell me) and what was the best use of my precious time on this earth (not what could fill the hours). After standing up for myself and refusing to take the manipulation - subtle and abusive - I also discovered that PC sex was never that good in the first place.

Good Sex In A Meaningful PC Relationship

Apathy turned into divorce. We have a much healthier relationship these days, PC and I (I mean, it's not like I could ever really move out of the neighborhood) and we even date once in a while just for fun. But the new rules of our relationship satisfy ME, not the ad-crazed PC culture we live in. And the Sex is good again, sometimes even great. Here are my rules for a good PC relationship.

• Create, Don't Absorb: Ever since I started turning off the TV, I write, think, talk and create more than I sit passively and absorb. When I do sit quietly, it's in meditation, conversation or contemplation and I hear, see and experience all kinds of amazing things -- all of which is magic that special effects will never duplicate.
• Feel My Feelings, Not Someone Else's: I love a good artist, writer or director's ability to evoke in me an emotional experience. But because I've learned to tune into my own feelings more clearly, I'm very aware of how many directors, writers and other PC creators are really ham-fisted about it, trying to bludgeon my emotions into reacting with swelling music, laugh tracks and sky-is-falling headlines. This emotional manhandling no longer turns me on; it actually turns me off.
• Seek, Don't Browse Randomly: I used to latch onto whatever the radio DJs said were on the top 40 and religiously follow NBC’s Thursday night lineup, but now I use recommendation engines (including my kids, who have good musical tastes) to seek out the kind of music I listen to. I personalize my online experience with the kinds of news, videos and web sites I enjoy. I browse narrowly and with deliberation for what will make ME happy, now.
• Turn it Down, And Sometimes Off: I don't believe in unplugging completely. While I can't banter about HBO series at neighborhood potlucks, I can discuss most of the headlines and a few good blog articles. I value the silence and unplug daily in meditation, sometimes sacrificing the newspaper and often sacrificing music to concentrate on other kinds of creative quiet.

Best Sex Evah!

So am I a fuddy duddy who refuses to experiment? Is my emotional vagina crying out for lube? No. I just went to the midnight showing of Harry Potter with my kids. One of my new favorite songs is by Linkin Park and I am totally on top of all the newest phone, laptop and tablet technology. But unlike that hot romance with everything PC I had when I was a kid, I'm now very intentional about my relationships. I have a broader range of PC experience -- from hot sex (I read PEOPLE at the Dr.'s office), to Viagra-induced bliss (iPads never get soft), to fun romps in the hay (Jon Stewart makes me laugh), to deep, lasting kisses (Edward Scissorhands still makes me cry). And even better I have a ton of human relationships that don’t follow a predictable storyline.

What about you? What kind of relationship do you have with PC? Does it fuel your sense of aliveness or drain your energy and time? What makes a good PC relationship in your experience? Is the sex still good or do you need to do something to spice it up?