Does Being Authentic Mean Being Consistent?

When the rain falls, remember that the sun will always shine again. There might even be a rainbow.

Does Being Authentic Mean Being Consistent?

Joy Mazzola, January 2, 2011

Recently, I hit a point with a coaching client where I realized he needed more than I could give him.

Up until that point, I had been listening, holding space, supporting, encouraging, asking a thoughtful question here and there, and assigning gentle practices. This had worked for a while, but now his storytelling was starting to underscore beliefs about his life that were no longer serving him. He needed to be awoken to this pattern, and that was going to necessitate working with someone much more assertive – one who could interrupt his anecdotes, give clear instructions and guidelines, listen carefully but also speak firmly.

The path of least resistance

I decided that I needed to stop with this client and refer him to another coach. One who was more skilled, stronger, more assertive. Someone with a personality that was more amenable to working with someone in this way.

I spoke to the coach I had in mind, who also happened to be a teacher of mine. Rather than rescue me and take the client, he very simply - almost nonchalantly - reaffirmed what I knew this client needed. Inferring, in a way that didn’t doubt I could do it, that I could and would continue along with this person using a different approach.

Crap.

I’d have to change how I was working. How I was acting. I’d have to change the rules of the game. In this relationship space that had been the same for months, I was suddenly going to have to show up very, very differently.

I can’t

It occurred to me that I was deathly afraid to do this. Not only with this client, but in almost every relationship. I had established specific rapports with each person in my life … I was caring, or witty, or sarcastic, or silly, or wise, or humble, or some combination of traits that set up the foundation of my bond with everyone I knew.

Now I was faced with the challenge of pulling back into my deepest self, being true not to the space created between me and this client, but rather to the deep voice inside that knew what he needs – and what I need – to take our relationship to the next level, and foster the highest truth in both of us.

What became clear to me is that, in most relationships, I have been acting sweet or cynical or however you “expect” me to be because that’s how I’ve always been with you. It wasn’t always an act … at one point it was genuine behavior. But now it’s sorely outdated. And I understand now that that doesn’t serve either of us.

Why do I do this?

So why am I so terrified to let the most updated version of me show up? Why is it so important to me to be “consistent” with who I’ve always been (and how could I have thought that was even realistic, given that we’re changing dynamically every moment of every day?). The fears came tumbling out in spades as soon as I asked the question.

Rejection. (“Well, you’re not who I signed on to be in relationship with.”)

Ridicule. (“What on earth are you doing/wearing/saying? Haaaahahaha.”)

Gossip. (“Who does she think she is?”)

Worry. (“Has she gone nuts? Is she okay?”)

But more loudly than any of these came the question at the root of it all for me:

“What if they’re right?”

Who DO I think I am? What on earth am I doing? I’ve never been this person. I’ve never said/done/worn this. Am I nuts??

Aha. So the questions aren’t coming from “them” at all. They’re coming from inside – my inner critic, perhaps, or from a deeper, more genuine place of fear. I’m the one most uncomfortable with the notion of transforming into someone I’ve never been. My concern isn’t that my friends, family, clients will be thrown with the rule changes. Rather, as with any loss of identity, I’m the one who will go through a time of feeling confused, crazy, unmoored, and afraid.

So now what?

I don’t know yet. That appears to be the question guarding the threshold to the next phase of growth for me. To be ALL ME, ALL THE TIME is perhaps – no, is definitely – going to require some shifts in my relationships. Maybe I won’t be the listener but rather the one that takes up space. Maybe I won’t be so accommodating, agreeable, even happy. Maybe people won’t be so comfortable around me anymore, or maybe I’ll be less awkward around certain folks. Maybe I’ll be kinder or more compassionate with the people who have always taken care of me. Maybe I’ll lose some friends.

I know I can’t force any of this, nor can I resist it. It will absolutely happen in its own time. But I do know that being all me, all the time means allowing for the subtle and dynamic shifts that are happening constantly.

So what about you guys? Does being ALL YOU, ALL THE TIME mean picking a persona and staying there? Or is there a more subtle, fluid aspect to who you really are? And if you’ve figured this out, how do you approach relationships in a way that doesn’t make you feel insane?

Very much “in it,”

Joy

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Comments

beautiful piece on becoming

By Kathy (not verified) on Wednesday, 02/09/2011 at 6:59 PM

I just came across this post and I want to acknowledge you for your courage in sharing your process. As a coach, I know too what it is to come to places where you're not quite sure your ready to step into your edge (at least that's what I call it). What I learned is the more I practice seeing and saying and expressing my edge the more comfortable I become with this part of me. All these parts of me are my truth, my core. Being all of me is an integration of my nature, my essential self.

Getting to ME felt like I shed layers and layers of fabric that maybe I put there as a way of leaning away from the fear of really BEING ME and letting go. The more I let go and have fun with it, I feel my authentic and whole self stepping out naturally. Practice as I go that is for sure. Practice stepping into that which scares me and in doing that I feel my whole self ignited.

I so appreciate your honesty because your share inspires all of us to allow our inner light to shine. I'm so glad to have found your post. More inspiration and a reminder of how grateful I am to be a coach to and guide others in their journey.

"Addendum"

By Simone (not verified) on Thursday, 01/06/2011 at 7:53 AM

Of related interest. On Deb 14, 15 & 17 we posted items on this theme which we called 'Putting the Real You Back in Relationships'. Here's mine on the 15th: http://bit.ly/eb8ewj Hope they helps inspire something good for someone! xo

Breaking My Own Mold

By Missy (not verified) on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 9:56 PM

I relate to this post with every fiber of my being. For too long I've suppressed and sugar-coated my words or assertive self, in support of the greater good. Well, I am part of the greater good as well, and I deserve to be me.

2011 means breaking the old mold and allowing only that which screams of authenticity to make it into the new design.

Thanks & love to you both

By Joy Mazzola on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 4:00 PM

Thank you, Lissa, for believing in and loving any version of me that needs to show up. It's not so much "new" Joy as ever-changing Joy. Can't say I'll be the same next week as I am now. And I know that's cool.

Thank YOU, Tamara, for the reassurance. It's funny, despite our biggest fears there's also the reality (at once peaceful and terrifying) that there's no turning back once we come to know what we do. The questions don't last long once we ask them. I wish for you the most exquisite unfolding and deepening of your journey - with your wisdom and tools, it can't be otherwise.

Joy

Confronting fears

By Tamara (not verified) on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 1:25 PM

I found your post helpful, Joy, as I am recently realizing that I too know there are changes being made in my relationships (with my partner, my business, my family, my self) and that the hardest part so far is learning that my own fear is the largest obstacle. We think of transformation as being positive, and it is, but it can also be pretty nerve-wracking, which I am just discovering.

Which direction do I go?
What new actions do I take?
How do I behave with people who expect things from me?
What if I don't succeed with transforming into what I want?

Perhaps that last fear is the biggest - what if you can't pull it off? For me, it is helpful to see that even a life coach has that inner critic. I myself am trying to learn how to hear her, appreciate her concerns, and then use both logic and idealism to let her know that it's all going to work out in the end. Together, we will find a path through to the other side and both of us will come out stronger.

One of my favorite self-help suggestions is the process of naming your fear and asking yourself if you know it to be 100% true. If not, what would you think about the situation if the exact opposite were true? How would your life be different? I try to use that tool (I've forgotten who I learned it from) to re-assure that inner critic that not all her fears are based in reality! If you fear someone will reject the "new you", what if the opposite were true, and they find the new you to be the most amazing thing since chocolate?? Now, approach them with that mindset and you may be surprised at the outcome.

Thanks for sharing. :-)

OMG Joy- YES!

By Lissa Rankin on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 11:17 AM

First off love- just knowing you and knowing that you wrote this, can I just say WOW? This is a big deal. Congratulations for asking all the right questions and discovering that the answers you're most fearful about are not others, but your own.

As someone who felt just like you four years ago and has made some major personal transformations since then, I can tell you that this process- the one you're in the midst of- is incredibly exciting- and very lonely. At least it's lonely in some ways because nobody else can do it with you. And yes, you will lose friends. It's not just that they will reject you (some will), it's that you won't even resonate with them at some point and the relationship will just fizzle- and that's okay. We all have sacred contracts in life, and sometimes, they just come to an end. And that's okay too.

On another level, it's not lonely at all, because as you shift into who you are becoming, you will attract new people, people who SEE the new you and resonate with the YOU you are becoming, rather than the YOU you once were.

I have to admit that when I go back to my home town now, I feel strange, like all these people there know the person I once was but don't really know the person I now am. They think they know me, but really, most of them don't. And I don't feel the need to fill them in. I'm not trying to convert them. I honestly don't care if they like the new me- because I do. And I'm not asking for their validation.

But continuing the charade just feels...inauthentic. And so I find myself pulling back, which they may interpret as me being distant or snooty or some other trait they project onto me. But really, it's just that I'm comfortable in my own skin and don't have anything to prove. If they want to know the new me, they can come discover me. If not, I'm cool with that.

Personally, I love the new Joy. I loved the old Joy and I love the new one even better.

And yes, it's true. Maybe the new Joy isn't so easy, so accommodating, so cheerful. Maybe she's not as available or as affirming or as quiet.

But you know what? She's something that has much more value to me. The new Joy is REAL. Grounded. Honest. Loving. Authentic. With clear boundaries. And so much capacity. So much space. So much potential for growth and possibility and change.

Frankly, I'd love to get to know the new Joy even better. Want to take a hike? Or go to Green Gulch?

I love you babe...
Big hugs and Happy New Year (even though I blew off your party- it wasn't that I don't adore the new Joy)
Lissa

n/a

Ditto!

By Robbin (not verified) on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 12:45 PM

Thank you Lissa, for your perfect empowering words!

Thanks ladies

By Joy Mazzola on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 9:59 AM

Good for you Robbin. Fabulous to hear that you've embraced this new and (until now) unfamiliar aspect of yourself, and that it's been so life-changing for you. Totally inspiring.

Si, I think "Sybill-down" should be the first phrase added to the dictionary in 2011. Fab. That describes it perfectly. Because it's not ONE aspect of myself I'm talking about here ... it's ALL of them. How can I feel freer to change them up as the circumstance calls for, while simultaneously endeavoring to integrate them (er, Sybill them down) so that I don't need to change hats as frequently?

And as far as clients splitting the driving (brilliant image) ... funny you should mention that. I'm discovering in a new way that coaching isn't about roles at all. It's a collaboration. The freer I feel to be vulnerable, the more effective the conversation and the relationship is. It's the most recent rabbit hole down which I've jumped and likely will be writing about it soon.

Thanks for reading, dear friends, and for your wisdom. xoxo

Joy

Remind me... A Pema Chodron quote re compassion...

By Rachel A (not verified) on Wednesday, 01/05/2011 at 8:04 PM

Joy,

I was about to reply to your original post (which resonated on many levels!) but this note ("collaboration") reminded me of the quote on my new 2011 calendar ... Beautiful photos with quotes from Pema Chodron's work. But calendar's hanging over my desk at the office and I'm at home in bed right now... Main idea is that compassion is a relationship between equals, vs between healer and sufferer.

I'll remind myself to post the whole quote here tomorrow...

Consistently lovely

By Simone (not verified) on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 9:16 AM

...you, Joy, I'm referring to you. Great post, thanks. Your headline grabbed me b/c I do think that "consistency" has a strong place in behavior for best relationships, but that extends from the one with ourselves first. When we can fully accept ourselves is when, I find, we are willing to Sybil-down our inner selves to The One we've been searching for. I like Robbin's comments about speaking out and the world needing more assertive women. Couldn't agree more, except to often add, "Did I say that out loud?" without one hint of sarcasm or bitch slapping the person or situation spoken about. You're on a parallel journey with your clients, Joy. Make them split the driving sometimes and observe from the backseat, and then...vice versa, etc. . `:))

Standing in your truth...as it changes!

By Robbin (not verified) on Monday, 01/03/2011 at 8:38 AM

Great post Joy! I totally understand what you are saying. I feel like I'm very much in it too. I have lived my life as a people pleaser. It took me a long time to come back to myself...which is most definitely still an on-going process. In recent months, I have found myself speaking up a lot more, in a very assertive way, and setting some really hard boundaries. I'm finding that I'm able (and often feel quite called) to speak up, in situations, that call for a very direct question or statement. At first, I found it terrifying, but I am slowly getting used to it, and even coming to enjoy this part of myself. It's very empowering. yes, there are people who do not like this new behaviour, and that's okay. That's the other piece that came with this. Not everybody needs to like me. People need to be ready to hear, and if they are not, they generally don't like me much. I'm discovering how much more powerful a place it is to live in, when I'm true to myself, and say the things that want saying, than to live in that place of stuffing my thoughts. I really think the World is crying out for women who are willing to stand up, and be true to themselves and speak assertively. Way to go!

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