I am SO super duper proud of you!!!!
WOOT!

Doing a big, swoopy, cheerleading happy dance and singing your name!
Lissa

I'm so proud I don't have the words to express it. All I can say is welcome back home, my dear.
We love you
Lissa

Hi all,
I'm in my mid 50's, and I have been smoking cigarettes for since I was 22. I'm an intelligent person, but did that matter? No, it was a need to be accepted my peers. What an immature and stupid thing to in hind sight. For the last ten years I have struggled greatly in kicking this nicotine habit. I did learn that on a few occastions that I was successful it is not the nicotine that is my downfall. The cigarettes became my FRIENDS! In 2011 I worked hard, but could not kick that last 7-8 cigs a day. But, hope was right in front of me.

I researched the e-cig. FOR ME, it was the act of smoking that I needed while giving up the nicotine slowly. I received the e-cig package on July 6 and woke up July 7 with no cigs in the house. I was going to rely on the e-cig. Yes, it was hard at first, but what was missing was the the need and desire to go buy a pack of real cigs. That was always my first hurdle. I used maybe 5 cartridges at 1.4% nicotine over two weeks time. My next order 0% nicotine, and that was easily successful! And, I used the e-cig maybe 8-10 times daily to take one puff when the urge hit. That's puffs, not whole cigaretter equivalents! Today I have been "real" cigaretter free" 206 days. I use the e-cig as a pacifier. I might pick it up maybe every 3 or 4 days for one puff, but mostly importantly right now is I just need it with me. My plans are not to order anymore cartridges, and eventually wean off the need to even carry it. But all in good time. All in MY time.

And, what is so sad... Friends and family often made judgement statements about my smoking (like I didn't know how crappy I felt, that my house, car and clothes smelled awful, or what my future would be health-wise!) Now that I've quit, only ONE PERSON in 206 days has noticed! Actually, that two people because I am very proud of myself for working so hard and solving my own problem when I was ready using a way that is right for me.

Also, I've been working on the cigs, and I have put on about 20 pounds due to menopause, new drugs for my chronic health problem, and stopping smoking. I'm now ready to focus on tackling that problem beginning soon. Again, taking my time and trying to find a solution just for me!

Lissa, you are so right! It really works only when you are ready!!

Christi

First of all, thank you for this Love-ly post, Lissa (& Melanie, for providing some inspiration). I decided not to make any resolutions for 2012... And haven't done any serious, focused intention-setting either (so far) but have been vaguely contemplating things like, "I should probably maybe at some point get back to physical exercise... Pretty soon."

I've also read through most, if not quite all, of the comments and wanted to send out big (even if virtual) hugs and thoughts of loving support to Rissa and any/all others who will be beating serious addictions in the coming weeks & months. I'm so glad that you've shared here in this safe, accepting, supportive, non-judging place. I'll be thinking of you as you love yourself through this time in your life... And beyond.

Xoxoxo,
Rachel

This blog reminds me of a slumber party. The writers speak of dreams and the future from the heart. When you were in your jammies, on your pink sleeping bag, eating popcorn, did you tear your life apart? Did you doubt and over-analyze every bit of private life and thought? No,the slumber party was about comraderie and fun as a group. Dynamics of "we". Next time you write the to-do list, put FUN @ the top. 2. Friends.

Cheers, Marzi

This is a beautiful post. Reading it I had to laugh at myself a bit as I said that I would never do "x, y, & z" again a few years ago and in 2012 I find myself doing just those things. The resolution I made to work out and do a yoga challenge have been poorly fulfilled and just plain unfulfilled. Deciding to do just one thing (rather than listening to my perfectionism monster nag at me) and be okay with what I can do has served me much better and your post supports that. Keep on spreading the Love!

Last year, I felt like such a loser. This year, less so, but the feeling is still lurking. I was diagnosed with bipolar, and told by my therapist (I kid you not) that if I wasn't medicated, everyone I loved would leave me. This was, of course, after years of seeing her and discussing my fear of abandonment. Nice, huh? And wow, the drama that unfolded when I realised that I couldn't do it. I'd tried being medicated before, and it went incredibly badly. Borderline psychotic episode type bad. It didn't help that the research I found said that whenever I stopped taking the meds (I struggle to even get through a course of antibiotics without skipping days), it would likely worsen my episodes a lot. As for the specific med, no one could tell me the side effects or what it'd actually do to me. Just that I'd have to get regular blood tests to make sure my organs weren't failing. That's all anyone would tell me. My body, my heart, my head- all screamed that meds weren't an option right now, especially under such circumstances.

And almost everyone in my life disagreed. The really sad part was that they weren't disagreeing based on my behaviour or the severity of the condition. They wanted me medicated because as soon as there was a label attached, there was an expectation I'd be medicated. It wasn't 'if you love yourself, you'll do this', or even, 'we love you, and after spending time looking into treatment, we feel this is the best option for you', or 'right now, we don't think you're able to make a rational and informed decision' but 'if you love us, you'll do this'. And I feel like I've betrayed my family through choosing to listen to my body.

For me, one of the hardest parts of having a mental illness is that somewhere along the way it's not just my mind people (including myself) stop trusting, it's also my body. Everything gets dragged down to the diagnosis. 'It's the bipolar talking' gets thrown around a lot, especially if I'm saying something other people don't like, until every little thing gets second guessed a thousand times by me to check it's not some crazy flight of fancy. My body has been steering me towards green juices lately, and even something so simple, so healthy, has people asking if I'm manic.

Reading this post, replying to it, has made quite a few connections for me. I've been wondering why I haven't been able to stick to the healthy acts that I know help. I've worried that it's a bipolar thing, and worried because deep down I've known it has nothing to do with bipolar. If I'm honest, I think I can't stick with it because I feel guilty as heck about not doing what my family wanted, even though I can see that it wasn't right for me and their wants came from a place of fear instead of healing and support. I feel like loving myself enough to honour what my body wants and needs is an act of betrayal, is being incredibly selfish. I'm guessing a lot of people here can relate to the self care as selfishness guilt. How can I love myself when the very act makes me feel like a horrible person?

It's good to know that until I untangle myself from the desire to keep everyone happy I'm going to struggle. It's far better than running myself ragged not understanding why it's so hard, at least. Thanks, Lissa, for giving me a chance for self reflection and awareness, and for helping me make those connections.

Ok, right now I am at work, trying not to cry. I know I don't love myself and that is why I am so overweight, so sad so... whatever. I truly felt this article, I need to love myself before I can address those issues. That is the block I have had between my head and my heart. I have described this to people. I KNOW what I should do to be more healthy, but I CAN'T do it, Now I really know why. Thank you. I could not figure out what the blockage was, it was in my throat, my upper chest, ME trying to say Something Loving to myself- and not allowing ME to say it to ME! Couldn't happen. ok... now I can work on that. Just accept myself, I feel I have taken some baby steps already this year, the first ones are the hardest- I figure there may be a few other tough ones, but am looking forward to the flow. Thank you. Thank you.

You're right, I am shocked Lissa!!! For the most part it's a great shock!! Smile. The only place I'd draw the line against this is drugs *and I mean cocaine, heroin, methamphetamine* and the like. By the time most addicts decide on their own to quit something like that it's either to late *my brother died of a meth overdose* or their health is so devistated they could very well die anyway. The rest of it struck me though in a great way and I thank you for it!!! You. are. awesome!!!! Smile.

About a year ago, I quit the gym and stopped working out. It was odd. I had been working with a trainer, getting good results, and then I walked into the gym one day and my whole being rejected the gym. That was it. For a long time, I did no exercise at all beyond walking in my neighborhood (to go to the pub or tiki bar, usually) or a few yoga poses to ease tight muscles. It was scary to listen to my body and admit that I didn't want to exercise and I wasn't going to do something that I didn't want to do. Sometimes, I felt like I was lazy and a disappointment. BUT, I also felt proud that I trusted myself and I made sure to give my body what it wanted, from salads to rest to the occasional big box of Jujubes.

But back in October, I started getting an urge to run when I was out walking. I remember looking down at my running legs and thinking, "What the hell are you doing, legs?" It never amounted to much, but I started the Couch to 5K plan three weeks ago and my body is SO happy with it. It's hard for me to run three minutes right now, but I have faith that I'll get to 30. This experience of daring to be a couch potato (especially while dating a super-athletic guy seven years younger than me!) has given me such respect for my body. I love it more than I ever have. I love myself for being whoever I am in the moment, being the truest version of me, no matter if it makes sense to the rest of the world. Thank you, Lissa, for this article and for reminding us that we don't have to fight ourselves, that we are not our own enemies, that LOVE is the greatest motivator of change in the Universe.

Hi! :)

I applause all the women who wrote on this blog and all the women that will; all the women who may just enjoy the company.

Shame comes because we carry guilt around. However, once you have become aware of your current situation, forgiveness and acceptance will wash away that shame and tag-along guilt.

So, keep that inner pilot glowing! That will shine light on forgiveness and acceptance~the good things. It will wash away the guilt and shame~the bad stuff. And when your light goes out, tap into it again~by surrounding yourself with it through various vessels~this blog, your friends,etc. And if you lack the physical support, know that your online light is waiting for you! Light always covers dark. Rest assured that life's bumps will challenge your light. Just like a normal light bulb needs replacing. So keep tapping in!

Lastly, when you feel the darkness, refuse and reject it! Say out loud, I choose the light! Sometimes physical pain~whether it's a constant back pain, diabetes, etc.~can compete for the light. People that have never made mistakes, don't learn anything!!! Remember too, that it always seems rosy on the other side~meaning that if you feel alone, you are not. That other people are fighting the same issues as yourself. So tell your shame, that you are aware now, made your mistake, and will take steps towards progress. Progress takes time. So celebrate every victory!!! And know that experience creates wisdom! So love every part of you!!! Your mess can be somebody's miracle! Don't waste your mistakes to shame. Turn your mistakes into a living example! :) Reach out and help someone while you are on your journey!

I love that quote... that same idea is the idea which is driving me and fueling my inner pilot light and giving me hope for the future. I'm trying trying trying... and gradually, learning, to love myself. I am realizing that I am not getting as upset with myself over making mistakes. I am understanding that I can't demand perfection from myself. It's easy to slip up and freak out when something goes wrong, but I'm fighting those habits.

Every day seems a little bit brighter. I went out last night with a few old friends I haven't seen in a while. It was wonderful. I actually confessed about my addiction to them after we got back from the movie theater, and they all hugged me and kissed my cheeks and told me that I was crazy for facing such a challenge alone, and that they love me no matter what bad choices I've made and they're there to help me. The three of them were my best friends but I vanished from the group months ago because I was just so ashamed. The glow in my chest was so warm it almost felt like it was burning me.

Your guidance has meant the world to me... I really hope that one day I will be whole and strong enough to help someone else the way you all have helped me. I look forward to that day.

I have a long hard fight ahead of me in the withdrawal... but I'm slowly realizing that it won't be as bad as I'm making it out to be. I'm trying to liken it to just getting a flu, getting healthy again and just moving on.

Thank you so much... I love you all.

Overflowing with hope and love,
Rissa

I just read this section of Brene Brown's book The Gifts of Imperfection, and it seems so relevant to this thread that I feel compelled to share it. “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy- the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

April, your story sounds so familiar to me... my experience has been so similar. The pills not only numbed me, they made me feel a false content, like everything was okay as long as I was on them. And I actually believed that was okay for a long time, because I was just taking medicine. It's so easy to justify this addiction. When it really started to get out of control for me was when everyone had switched to roxicodone... the guy who sold to me was so excited, he told me how awesome these were and why they were so much better than percocet. We can snort these! You get high so much faster and it feels so much better! come on i'll give you one for free, let's blast it!

One of the worst days of my life...

I'm not sure how many other people can pinpoint the exact second things spiraled completely out of control, but for me it was as soon as i sucked that dust off that mirror with that straw right up my nose. I lost all bearing on who I was that day. And I've been like that until yesterday.

All of you ladies - ALL of you, but especially Tricia and April, you two who know exactly what it's like... I can't even put into words my gratitude for your understanding & support. I've been alone for a while now because I was just so ashamed of myself for what I've become and what I've done.

I'm still not sure what guided me to post about this in the first place. I have to admit, this is bolstering my faith in fate or a higher power guiding me. Otherwise I have no idea if I would've ever found you girls.

It's been over 24 hours and the glowing in my heart has not diminished. In fact it feels a little bit stronger. Today, when I woke up, I resolved that I would start the end of this addiction. I am far too terrified to come off a 50-70mg/day addiction cold turkey in one shot... I do not think I could handle the withdrawal, nor am I ready yet to tell everyone around me. But today when I woke up, instead of inhaling 20mg first thing, I waited. I made tea. I walked around. I went outside. I savored the world through clear eyes and ears. And after a couple hours I could feel the demon crawling up my spine, demanding its drug. So I took a smaller piece and swallowed it. I will never snort anything again. I'm feeling okay right now. I'm looking for a balance between feeding the physical need, and also my emotional and mental need to NOT have it in my body.

This fire in my heart - this inner pilot light - it's incredible. It gives me this strange sense of determination that I have never even known. I am so afraid it will fade and that I will give in and just fail. But I hope, I really, really hope, that won't happen. My heart has so much hope in it. And I keep reassuring myself that I'm not alone. I can come to this community and immerse myself with these wonderful girls and feel that hope and that fire.

I'm still not sure about me. I've decided to give myself a chance, though, instead of my normal attitude of just hating myself for my actions & choices. I don't trust myself yet. I don't believe in myself enough to love myself. I've lied to myself too many times. But I'm not writing myself off anymore. It's time to open up and be vulnerable and take a chance. Because continuing on this way is just not worth it.

I'm so grateful for all of the supporting kindness from all of you. I wish I could hug each and every one of you and thank you all in person. I'm afraid, no, I'm completely terrified, but I'm going to take a chance. And I'd never have mustered the courage to do that without your kindness and love. Thank you all so much.

My email address is chishioengi@gmail.com if anyone would like to keep in touch. I love you all and I'll definitely be around, checking this community every day, because you are all such sweet and kindhearted people. I must admit I really didn't believe such purely good people existed. I cant stop crying every time I read this thread because the supportive words just move me so deeply. Thank you all so, so much.

With love to all of you,
Marissa

For your bravery Rissa. For your bravery Melanie. For your bravery April (WOW. You continue to blow me away around every corner girrrrrl...)

And yes, I'm proud of myself for my own bravery.

In this bravery to speak the truth, we can face- and heal- ANYTHING.

With great love,
Lissa

Rissa,
That glowing in your chest- THAT'S the Inner Pilot Light I'm talking about.

Feel into that. Notice that. Nurture that. Love that. Tend that. Fan the flames. Be with that. Accept that. Notice what makes it glow. Give it more. Notice what makes it dim. Do less of that. But even if it dims, love it anyway.

The glowing, when you feed it, grows and sparkles and radiates until it's so big it starts to spill over and then it flows out of you and other people get infected by it and they start noticing that little glowing inside themselves, just like you have today.

Shine on, baby
Lissa

And just so you know, you did not overstep a boundary. It's my job to set my own boundaries- not your job to anticipate them. Given my new mantra, I only do this if it fills me. And to help you like this does.

My favorite thing that you wrote is this:
"But even though I'm crying my eyes out all over again, this is a different feeling than as I wrote the last one... I think I feel hope."

There is always hope. I'm so glad you see the light.

Watch this awesome TEDx talk by Brene Brown:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

It's all about the power of vulnerability and how only in our imperfections can we truly connect.

Tell someone, someone you trust. Then tell another person. You don't have to tell everyone- not the unsafe people. But tell the safe ones so you don't have to shoulder this burden alone.

There is hope Rissa.

I love you too
Lissa