I have spent the past few days in a steel-cage wrestling match with my own ego. It’s likely a big reason that my judgments of others are particularly rampant. Inner critic, inner judge … they’re all branches of the same thing. My hope is that this is the supernova flare that precedes the glorious burning out of a particular quality.

The committee

The element of the ego that’s glowing so brightly for me right now is the committee in my head whose job it is to make sure I know how much I suck. Some have an inner critic. I have a whole team of them.

The committee convened long ago – probably even as part of some nonphysical, pre-birth agreement I had with my divine twin before diving down into this life. I carry a story that I’m not good at anything, that it is my wont to screw things up, and that if someone is wrong in any situation – yeah. Hand raised. My bad. Right now the committee is in full throttle, pulling in every resource it has to remind me that who I am and what I do ain’t worth a damn. That, if anything, my efforts only serve to either halt or actually send backward all progress humankind had made before my birth.

And though I am very much aware of the existence of this committee - and have been for a time - it just loves to catch me off guard. Today, the way I was alerted to the fact that it was in session was to suddenly notice that every reaction I have to everything is taking the form of full-on, raging defensiveness.

Dee-fense! Dee-fense!

All I’ve been able to see and hear is what I’m not doing right, or not doing enough of. (Of course, I’m doing a lot of wonderful things, too, and I’m sure it's being acknowledged. But that material is being carefully censored by the committee.) Inwardly (and occasionally outwardly), I lash out at the “accuser,” angry at him or her for harping and hating on the inadequacies of which I’m already fully aware, thank you very much. It's like, alright already, I get that I'm no good. Must you rub it in?? Even the gentle e-mail from my mom this morning reminding me that my great aunt’s 90^th birthday caused a momentary thought of “goddamnit, how many of me does she think there is??” to whiz through my mind.

The thing is, nobody’s harping. Nobody’s hating. Nobody’s even making it about me … except me. I’m the one who doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough. I’m the one spinning my wheels and going in too many directions at once. The world’s a-turning as it always has. Aunts have birthdays. Glitches happen. People – all people – make mistakes. None of it has anything to do with me, or what I’ve done or not done. All I have control over is how I feel and react to things.

The reason I feel on the hook is because I haven’t let myself off it. And because of that, I’ve been a glum, angry, grudge-holding, tantrum-throwing nightmare that even I can’t stand to be around. I watch how I behave, am appalled, and yet continue to stew. Instead of simply allowing for love, I hang out in anger. (And even as I type this, I know the fact that I’m referring to myself as such a hateful beast is part of this whole thing. Another point to the committee. Good for you guys, wooo! Pblth.)

So?

So now that I’ve come to understand this, will things change? Will I all of a sudden not take personally a suggestion that I perhaps do something a little differently? Will I stop automatically cataloguing all the ways whoever I’m with is decidedly and infinitely better than I? Who in the world knows. But as I discovered yesterday, I do know what fun there can be in catching oneself in a particular pattern of thought, or more poignantly, behavior … marching up to the critic or the judge or the committee and demanding a re-negotiation of terms. So that is what I’ll do.

When have you caught yourself acting in a way you never could have imagined? Could you believe it? What did you do? What do I do??

Eff the committee,
Joy

p.s. Anyone paying attention (both of you) may have noticed I skipped a day. In fact, I wrote this yesterday. Didn't post it. Momentarily contemplated discontinuing posts altogether. Man, it was a doozie of a day. Nice work again, committee. Pblth. Good news is that they do seem to have disbanded for the summer...