Owning Pink Bloggers
Fear of Change
“The fact that things change from moment to moment opens up the possibility for positive development…Once you realize things are always changing, if you are passing through a difficult period you can find comfort in knowing that the situation will not remain that way forever.” – How to See Yourself As You Really Are, by His Holiness the Dalai Lama
A legacy of strength
My maternal grandparents are 89 years old. They’ve been married for over seventy years. Until last month, they still lived in the same house they’d lived in since the mid 1960s. And, until this past spring, their health was good.
My grandmother is a strong woman. She grew up on a farm, working the fields from sun up to sun down in the hot sun. Once, while chopping wood, she accidentally cut off part of her thumb. She immediately grabbed the part, and had my grandfather drive her to the hospital. When my mother was a child, my grandmother killed a snake in the house by throwing a knife at it.
This past spring, my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma. Her first reaction was that she’d get the treatments and all would be well. But, because of her advanced age, the treatment plan was somewhat complicated. She took the news hard. Everyone kept saying, “Well, she’s 89, it’s not a surprise her health is failing.” But, to her, she was still young! Her mother and her mother-in-law lived into their mid 90s. The diagnosis came out of nowhere for her, and she wasn’t prepared.
She had a reduced chemo treatment, and things got worse. She had to be hospitalized, and we didn’t think she was going to make it. But, just when we were preparing for the worst, she got better. She was weak and couldn’t walk but she no longer seemed near death. A month after she was hospitalized, she was moved to a nursing home.
She is currently getting stronger physically but she is sad. She cries a lot. My mother and her sister and brother take turns sitting with her. My grandfather spends at least five hours a day at her side. But, the whole family is shocked at her demeanor. We have rarely seen her cry and have never seen her be anything but a strong, take-positive-action, woman. Much of my family doesn’t know what to do with public emotion. They are racking their brains for medical explanations. And, they are doing what I’ve seen everyone in my family do my whole life – comforting her by trying to explain away her sadness with logic and rationalizations.
“The only constant is change.” - Heraclitus
I live ten hours away from my family, so other than a visit home earlier in the summer, I am not witnessing this first-hand. And, I concede there may be some medical reasons for my grandmother’s behavior. But, I also relate to what she is going through. Her life had gone on, very much unchanged, since her youngest child got married forty years ago. She’s seen relatives and friends die over the years but has not really had to deal with a lot of personal upheaval. In the span of a few months, however, she’s had to confront an extreme change in her health, a change in her living conditions and face her own mortality. Add to that years of unexpressed emotions, and I can fully understand why the tears are flowing.
The changes I’ve dealt with over the past decade haven’t been as radical as hers. They were, however, completely unexpected. When I got married in my mid 20s, I assumed it would be for life, like everyone else’s marriage in my family. I thought I would make a few carefully chosen decisions, and settle in for a very stable life – again, like most of the generations before me. I never expected to get divorced after 9 years. In fact, I clung to the permanency of the relationship, despite signs that it would be healthier to let go. My husband walking out was one of the best things that could have happened to me. But, I didn’t see that at the time. Throughout my thirties, I kept looking for permanency, in jobs and in relationships, and none came. Time and time again, change has been forced upon me. But, each time, I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally as a result. It’s taken me 40 years but as a result of coping with change, I’m learning to let my emotions move through me, instead trying to “argue” them away. It wasn’t easy, and I had to have lots of help but it was certainly worth the work. (See Leslee Horner’s great post “Letting Go of Old Stress Through Processing” for suggestions on releasing emotions.)
At the moment, pieces of my life are in obvious limbo – no relationship and no full-time job. Part of me is relishing it, scared that when something “permanent” comes along, I will do as I’ve done in the past, and cling to it. I even wonder if I’m clinging to the limbo, hoping it will become a permanent state! But, I know that even this will change. My grandmother’s condition has taught me, on a level much deeper than logic, that we will be encountering change up until the end of our physical existence.
Love, compassion, and a sense of humor
I wish I could say that my grandmother is now peacefully accepting all the change in her life. That would wrap up this post nicely. But I’m not sure if she will ever fully adjust. All we can do is show her love and compassion. (She is strong enough, physically, to now move into an assisted living place with my grandfather.) I certainly can’t predict how I would adjust in a similar situation, or even how I will adjust to the next major change in my life. What I’m learning to do is stay rooted in the present moment and stay centered in myself. Most importantly, though, when I forget to stay centered and slip into resistance, I’m learning to show myself love and compassion. (And a sense of humor doesn’t hurt either! That’s why I chose this particular picture for this post.)
Do you try to cling to the illusion of permanency, like I do? How have you learned to cope with change, especially when it’s unexpected?
Blessings,
Jennifer Astrologer, Educator & Founder of FemCentral, the Virtual Institute for Women
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Change....
By Anonymous (not verified) on Saturday, 09/04/2010 at 9:24 AMI lived a life of change due to being born into the military, new people, new places, new countries....I loved it so much that when I married I took my husband into that place and we changed houses, provinces, until we settled for about 17 years. Many changes came along but in a settled place until he changed in a way I could not follow.
I wish I'd never found that settled place as I seem to have lost the talent for change. People say they couldn't have coped as I have, him being gay, my being able to forgive, able to love his new life partner....more than I like my ex actually, how odd, but his partner is a gift, in many ways a combination of me and my son, like I said, how odd.
But inside I am lost, wondering what my life would have been if I hadn't been married to someone living a lie, if my youth hadn't dwindled away living with someone dreaming of a different life and angry with it. I've no talent for putting myself first. I tell myself that I'm too old to change again and yet that is exactly what I'm doing. I'd go home to the sea, dramatic changes of location are easiest for me to have a clear vision of what needs to be done but my child, grandchild and parents are here so I will stay.
Some changes leave you disconnected. When your life takes on a permanency sudden big changes in health or status or reality leave you adrift. As I near 60 I am startled to learn how much of myself I subjugated to others, how much of my creative madness I left behind on the alter, how fragile your self is when taken out of what has been your reality even if it's one you discover you never really liked that much in the first place so, the latter point aside, I think your Grandmother, beyond coming to terms with the medical issues may 'just' be afloat in so much change not of her own doing that she is understandably grieving. I hope she finds peace, with such a loving family I believe she has a better chance than many.
thank you
By Jennifer Shelton on Sunday, 09/05/2010 at 4:59 PMThank you for your comment and for sharing your story. You also sound like a very strong woman. I hope that your child, grandchild and parents provide comfort and support and also serve as a reminder that while we all have ups and downs and seemingly wasted opportunities in our lives, there are always blessings as well. My intuition tells me that your strength and your example have helped many people throughout your life, maybe even in ways in which you are not aware.
Blessings,
I always love your posts!
By Leslee Horner on Tuesday, 08/31/2010 at 11:29 AMSorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope she finds peace moving forward.
Thank you again for another wise post (and for linking to one of mine). I feel as though I am entering a time of change but luckily am not being forced into it...just gently nudged by that "something within."
Love and Light,
Leslee
Visit my blog: Waiting for the Click
Thanks, Leslee
By Jennifer Shelton on Tuesday, 08/31/2010 at 12:14 PMThe Universe is very good about knowing when we need a push and when a "nudge" will do. In my experience,though, if I don't respond to that nudge, the push follows quickly! I'm hoping that I'm becoming more receptive to the nudges!
Blessings,
embracing change
By Jennifer Shelton on Tuesday, 08/31/2010 at 9:04 AMTrinity, I know exactly how you feel. You are considering to do what Pinkies call a PLEAP (pink leap of faith). I've done a few of those myself, and a few times, I've been lovingly PUSHED! But, you don't have to handle this change alone. Take care of yourself and welcome the support of friends and acquaintances. You sound like you've got a healthy outlook, so I'm sure, when you do Pleap, you'll land on your feet.
Thanks for the comment!
Blessings,
It's amazing how much change
By Trinity (not verified) on Tuesday, 08/31/2010 at 7:29 AMIt's amazing how much change there is out there, waiting for a moment to spring. I am standing on the precipice of a pretty radical change in my life, and I'm scared to death of it. I know that once I commit to it, I will be happier and more fulfilled. There will be some hardship, and it's a big challenge to leave the comfort of the known, for some possible future. This stuck-in-the-middle feeling is so difficult. And yet, I have so much joy and excitement when I imagine what that possible future will be like, so now it's just a matter of accepting where I need to go, and working through the obstacles to get there.