Years ago I was an elementary school teacher. The first year I taught Kindergarten, I worked with a woman who told me on a daily basis how creative I was. I didn’t really believe her. I was in the habit of comparing myself to others, and since I’d just finished interning under who I believed to be the Goddess of all Kindergarten teachers, I’d marginalized my own worth - including my creativity.
As the years passed and my passion for teaching waned, any creativity I did have gave way to simply following the curriculum that was given to me.
After stopping working and becoming a full-time mom, I’d often wonder what my next career would be. What was I qualified to do? When I read a book on the Law of Attraction I was reminded of my long-lost passion for writing. From the time I was twelve years old and stood on the stage in front of my sixth grade class reciting a poem I’d written, I’d considered myself a poet. I wrote in college journals about how writing was the only thing I was good at - how it was like air to me in moments I felt I was drowning. But I’d given up on it because of some criticism I received. I didn’t think I was good enough.
Three years ago, I set the intention to write a book. Within a month of making that decision, I was writing my first novel. I wrote at least three pages a day and finished the book in three months. The process was amazing - I truly began to understand the idea of being an instrument of some greater creative force. As I read my completed project, I’d often pause to ponder who had actually written it.
Then I set my sights on getting published.
The only way to describe the process of getting published is obsession. I sent out queries to every literary agent I could find that represented “women’s fiction.” After a few months and many rejections, I decided to get started on another novel. I had a lot of ideas, but again the inspiration came when I least expected it.
I was off to a reasonable start, but my energy was focused in the wrong place - I began with visions of literary agents, publishing contracts, and Oprah interviews in my head, which isn't the way to find inspiration. Needless to say I struggled to write the book. The beautiful idea I’d started with turned into a book that I liked, but that I didn't feel was good enough to seek representation for.
Since then I’ve concocted a new and wonderful idea, but have been completely paralyzed in terms of writing it. I am trying to surrender my expectations of the outcome. I want to write for the sake of the process - because it is air to me. Currently there are still too many moments when I fantasize about being the next J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer. I know that that is not the purpose of creating. And I know that what you desire most often arrives when you have completely released your attachment to it.
So my intention for the next few months is to reclaim my creativity. I want to be an artist and a writer without any concern as to whether anyone sees or reads my work. I want to experience the spiritual connection that comes with being lost in work that isn’t work. I want to experience the essence of life, which is, in fact the process - not the product!
I invite you all to reclaim your own creativity!
Love and Light,
Visit my website: www.lesleehorner.com
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