Emily, one of our lovely Owning Pink bloggers and a multi-passion mama who uses my Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System, recently posed this question:

You mention how you yourself insist on discipline when it comes to house cleaning and will— for instance— put your tea mug in the sink as soon as you're done. But that you don't insist your husband and son do the same. Do you have any tips on how to deal with living with people who don't share this discipline? For instance, my husband does not seem to have it in his DNA to keep things in their designated spot in the house, and this is troubling when it’s something like car keys or dog leashes that I am hunting for on a daily basis.

The question, of course, is an excellent one. I have SO been there with the frustration that stems from others’ inability or unwillingness to conform to my perfect way of doing things.

Of course I responded immediately, and after I validated her feelings, I gave her this short answer: Creating a place for everything that seems to get misplaced frequently and gently asking, "Would you be willing to put the car keys (dog leash, etc.) on the hook by the door when you get home? It would help me so much when I need them." The trick is to kindly make this a request and not a demand, and repeating as necessary.

Now I will write the long answer.

The rest of the world is (probably) not on a mission to create chaos in your life.

I stopped becoming frustrated with my husband and son and their inability or unwillingness to maintain a neat and orderly home when I realized that it isn’t as much of a priority for them as it is for me. But a really big light bulb went off when I realized that they were not creating disorder in order to show a lack of respect or love for me, which is how I often received it.

Yes, of course, it’s frustrating to look for your keys for ten minutes because your spouse has misplaced them again (insert any other frustrating behavior here) but when you think about it, is that what’s really bothering you? I can almost guarantee you that it’s not. (If it absolutely is, you should simply go make yourself an extra set of keys, or buy an extra leash, and keep them in a spot where you will always be able to find them—and don’t tell your spouse where it is.)

But, again, I can almost guarantee that the bad feelings about the misplaced keys mean something else to you. So consider what that is. I’ve written an article about this before, but it bears repeating.

It’s up to you to choose your response to any event.

Your current reality is not really what’s upsetting you. In fact, the state of your emotions isn’t caused by the present situation, though the reverse is often true. In Eckhart Tolle’s (for me life-changing) book, A New Earth, he writes, “External reality always reflects back to you your inner state.” I take that to mean that everything occurring in our lives is a result or reflection of our thoughts and feelings.

In the previous article I gave one suggestion for seeing “the gift” in the undesirable, but in this article I’ll give you another: The questions that follow are from Byron Katie’s “Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet” (which you can download using this link).

1. Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?
2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
3. What is it that they should or shouldn’t do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
6. What is it that you don’t want to experience with that person again?

So in the example of the lost keys (and this did just happen with my husband, too) The Work would look like this:

I am annoyed at Doug because he misplaced the keys and I wasted a lot of time and energy looking for them. I want Doug to remember to put the keys in the key drawer as soon as he gets home. I want him to apologize for inconveniencing me. Doug should follow my system for putting things in their proper place. I need Doug to put the keys where they belong. Doug is absent-minded, careless, unappreciative and messy. I don’t ever want to feel annoyed by his behavior again.

Put The Work to work!

I’ve written before about Byron Katie’s “Four Questions” (here’s one—and it’s important to note here that you should plan to do that exercise immediately after you do the Judge Your Neighbor exercise. Katie’s four questions really help me delve into the stress I’m creating for myself by believing the thoughts that the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet has helped me make explicit.

At the same time, though, drawing on Katie’s work, I have also become adept at doing what I call the “quick turnaround.”

For example, when I have a negative judgment (that, again, is causing me stress), I have learned to easily come up with at least three genuine and specific examples of how I have also transgressed—how I have been absent-minded, careless, unappreciative and messy—maybe not with the keys, but in other ways, like the maintenance of my car or, here’s the kicker—in my relationships with others.

Until you’re inevitably appointed Queen of the Universe… practice compassion.

Once I admit that, it’s much easier to have compassion or patience with my husband, but more importantly, it’s easier to see that my bad feelings are not about my husband, or the keys, at all. They’re about me. Usually the real cause of the bad feelings is that I’m not feeling valued or appreciated—or, even more to the point, I’m not valuing or appreciating myself enough. And when I can do that, I don’t mind so much about the keys, or that I haven’t been appointed Queen of the Universe (yet).

Okay, Pinkies, do you ever feel resentment for others because of their inability to conform to your (perfectly reasonable) expectations? What helps you feel better when others are doing their best to drive you crazy? How do you honor your needs and your connection to others?

(Want to learn how to find creative solutions that meet everyone's needs, including your own, that will make a significant difference in your life? Even if you're not a mom, join Stacey for a FREE live Q&A Thursday, November 4th at 1:00pm EST. Just call in to (219) 509-8111 and use the access code 555612 and get all of your questions answered!)