Last Saturday I observed a conspiratorial eye-roll between two friends regarding the behavior of a child at a birthday party. I’m fairly certain I was not meant to be privy to this exchange as the child in question was my six year-old daughter. I don't know if they know I saw them, but it doesn’t really matter. I did and it changed the way I feel about these women, and about gossip in general.

While this incident was hurtful and confusing, I am also kind of glad it happened. For one thing, now I know a little more about the characters of these women. Until that moment, I had thought that we were becoming friends; now I probably won’t put any more energy into pursuing relationships with them. But, more significantly, it really made me aware of how bad it feels to be the object of gossip. Even though this particular exchange wasn’t directly about me, I felt it on behalf of my child, and that was bad enough.

Been There, Done That

I am no innocent. I can safely say that I have been guilty of indulging in one form of gossip or another for as long as I've had friends. And it is likely I have hurt other people’s feelings in the process. It is certainly possible that one of my snarky comments was overheard or passed along and I never knew it. Maybe this recent event was some kind of karmic payback for my own cattiness in the past? Regardless, this experience has reminded me of how yucky it feels to be on the other end of gossip chain.

Let’s face it: who doesn’t love a juicy tidbit of scandal? Gossip can give us the illusion of connection with another. How many times have I attempted to boost my popularity in a group by dishing some dirt on someone we all know? Haven’t we all felt the scintillation of being in on a scoop that only a select few know about? I am guilty of all of these little insincerities and more.

Cleaning House

Several years ago there was a little book making the rounds of the woo-woo circles that made a big impact on me. This gossip incident reminded me of it and so I dusted off the cover and cracked it open again. The book is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Drawing upon ancient Toltec wisdom, the author puts forth codes of conduct that, when adhered to strictly, “...can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness and love.” Quite simply, he tries to teach us how to be nicer people.

As I thumbed through this book I realized that it was time for me to become acquainted with its message again. Not just because of what happened at the party, but because I really want to try living my life at a deeper level of integrity.

The Four Agreements

The first lesson seems particularly apt: Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak honestly. Say what you mean. Avoid using your words to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. In other words, no eye rolling between girlfriends about someone else’s kid.

I’ve been insincere with my words and I’ve gleefully passed on gossip on many occasions. No, it never feels good afterward, but the temptation is sometimes too juicy to pass up. However, the pleasure is fleeting and not grounded in real connection with your co-conspirator. How nice it would feel to take the high ground when gossip starts. As our grandmothers used to say, “If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.”

Second lesson: Don’t Take Anything Personally.  Well, I sure as hell took this slight to my daughter personally. I take everything personally! Not only did I feel like these women were being critical of my daughter, but by extension, they were criticizing my parenting of her. As Don Miguel says: nothing others do is because of us. What others do and say is a projection of their own reality. When we are immune to the opinions of others, we won’t be the victims of needless suffering.

The third lesson is: Don’t Make Assumptions. How many times have I gotten all worked up over some imagined slight only to find that the event did not even occur the way I thought it did? Having the courage to clarify a situation or clear up a misunderstanding can be so much more efficient than stewing on an assumption for ages. Maybe these women were rolling their eyes over something that had nothing to do with my daughter or me? The only way for me to know for sure would have been to ask them directly, but I was too afraid to do that. When we communicate with others as clearly as possible, we can avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.

Fourth lesson: Always Do Your Best. Not easy, but satisfying if we just try. As Don Miguel says, our best is going to change from moment to moment. Sometimes our best will be high quality, sometimes not so good. Regardless of the quality, if we simply do our best under any circumstances, we will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret. Gossiping and judging others is not the best use of our energies and can definitely lead to regret.

In the end, my experience was pretty minor and no real harm was done to me, or to my child. It did feel bad and it affected my feelings for two people whom I had previously really liked. I’m pretty sure if we had all been practicing The Four Agreements, the situation would have played out differently and our relationships would be intact. Since I cannot control anything that others do, I can only work on this piece myself, and hope I do better next time.

What about you? Have you ever been the object of gossip? Have you inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings by gossiping about them? How do you avoid getting pulled into these kinds of dramas?

(By the way, what my daughter did at the party was actually worthy of an eye roll. But it should have come from me.)