"Mother Earth doesn’t need us to survive, but we sure do need her. Better make sure she comes first." That tagline sums up my understanding of eco-sexuality in an organic nutshell, though my experience thus far is that even many die-hard greenies toss their dirt laden hands in the air when you mention making love sustainable. If tree-huggers are bemused, what about the rest of us mainstream recyclers? My friend Wendy Strgar is in the business of creating sustainable relationships (she’s the founder of GoodCleanLove.com – lotions and potions and adult toys that are good for you and the planet; in other words, she purveys sexy and safe fun). From her I realized that sustainability in the bedroom is an inside job.

Sure, we have to think about what we put on our bodies when we want to get juicy with our beloved(s). And if sustainability is the wave of the future – future intelligence experts around the globe are saying so – then the ecology of love philosophy is both green and desirable.

It’s also as ancient as the philosophies that inform sacred sexuality. Being conscious in bed, making vibrant love, connecting with another person in mind, body and spirit can be understood in parallel to the four basic components of our planet – earth, water, air and fire – and applying them to our relationships.

The following excerpts are adapted from Wendy’s book, Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy:

The [Earth] of our relationships rests in our thoughts. This is the foundation of your relationship. 

Our thoughts are incredibly powerful: They can keep us connected or drive us apart. When was the last time you monitored the emotional quality of your thinking about your partner? Giving people the benefit of the doubt, giving up the need to be right, and looking for what is lovable in your partner will help you choose thoughts that sustain a loving atmosphere.

The Water of our relationships happens in the ebb and tide of togetherness. This is how we show up for each other and keep our promises.

Showing up for someone isn’t about creating quality time and special date nights, although these are nice ways to have together time. Adding safety to your relationship has more to do with making different choices about the little things. For example, instead of reading the paper after work, offer to help with dinner. Sharing the details of a life together speaks volumes about priorities. “Your needs matter to me” is an essential message to pass to your beloved.

The Air of relationships flows with our ability to communicate. What we say and whether we feel heard is the basic currency that enriches or bankrupts our relationships.

Communication takes the form of words and actions. Not being able to self-disclose or share important life events literally takes the air out of love. The goal of communicating is to connect. Sometimes that may mean engaging in a conversation that isn’t interesting to you, or learning to listen more attentively. This can also be about how you pay attention sitting side by side. Be sensitive to each other, and don’t take missteps personally. Men and women have different ways of expressing and listening to each other, and sometimes have to work to learn to communicate well.

The Fire of relationships is ignited through physical touch. Cultivating a passionate, tender and safe place to explore sexuality with the one we love is the height of intimacy. 

Many believe that if the physical intimacy in their relationship improved, so would the rest of their love. Usually, the reverse is true. A great sexual relationship and ongoing passion is the result of our thoughts, communications and ability to show up outside the bedroom. Intimate lives that are nourished from the ground up, so to speak, offer partners a place to truly open up, discover their own passion, and be generous with their sexuality.

Viewed this way, I can't help but think that the ecology of love seems simple - elemental really. The question is, how quickly will each person reading this make the small changes in the bedroom that create sustainable love? What does going green between the sheets mean to you? Is this just a fad, or are we finally bringing environmental consciousness into our intimate spaces?