I've been thinking about this post since yesterday (WOW - your first piece here was a doozie!) and that's always a good thing for me. It means it's burrowed in deep and I need to reflect. What I realized, in a nutshell, was that I really suck at expressing my anger. I feel it, of course I do, but I never allow it to just be and I certainly never express it. I had always heard that anger is not a real emotion, that it's a cover-up for another, deeper emotion. I think, after reading this, that idea is flawed. Yes, it's a "cover-up" emotion to a certain extent but you have to feel it and express it sometimes to get to the deeper emotion.

Lauren,

Thank you so much for putting in words a lot of what I have been feeling. I am also an Oaklander and have been trying to process my conflicting emotions about last week's verdict and trying to figure out where I fit in to the dialogue, if at all.

What made me the most angry was the constant buzz of news helicopters. That and the continuous sound of sirens really fueled a rage within me. It felt like listening to vultures hovering, waiting for the inevitable carcass on which they could feed. It was clear from the news coverage that the media so wanted another tragic story to report on. Oscar Grant wasn't enough. There needed to be a riot.

I have chosen to handle my anger by unplugging and by talking to people in my community. We've learned a lot from the people who get into our car for casual carpool in the morning. Some of it utterly shocking, but more real than anything I see on the news. It's made me really re-think a lot of my ideas about what's going on in Oakland.

And to Lakenda's point, this verdict is in many ways amazing and unprecedented.

And while his sentence will be short, based on work I've done in the California prisons, I know it will be brutal for him. I'm not saying this to indicate that I'm satisfied with the verdict because his time will be hard, I'm saying it because it is a component that not a lot of people realize. Mehserle will be lucky if he comes out a better person. Odds are that he will come out broken. I suppose my anger from this situation really comes from a look at society. What kind of society wants a riot to break out? And what would be the best way to compensate Oscar Grant's family?

Though, Lakenda's note that society doesn't change in a day is well-taken. I will hold out hope that we are heading towards a more compassionate place. But to do so, I think we all need to look at the anger in our own hearts and find healthy, creative ways to address it.

Thank you for such a thought-provoking post.

Anger is a great emotion because it allows us to recognize that we are not feeling respected. It is our bodies red flag of warning, "Hey, the situation is dissing you." However, there are plenty of ways to deal with anger besides looting and burning—or even punching a punching bag.

Yes, it needs expression. Writing, protesting, organizing, using your God-given talents to find ways to change the situation. Looting a Footlocker seems more about new shoes than an expression of anger.

Now, I'm also an Oaklander. I have watched the unfolding of the events surrounding the untimely and completely senseless death of Oscar Grant. And, I'm black (you may have noticed). Well, now I'm going to type something absolutely shocking that, as a black Oaklander I have kept under my hat since Thursday's explosion of emotion....

The world does not change in a day. With every single event we evolve, moving closer (God willing) to great compassion and understanding. So, that said, how is it that we are outraged that Mehserle got convicted of Involuntary Manslaughter? This is the first time in history that a police officer has been charged for a crime because of conduct on the job. Not some hushed internal investigation. A group (police, prosecuters, judges) have indicted and convicted one of their own—another first! No, he didn't get the max sentence. But the world does not shift 180 degrees overnight. He was convicted for killing a black man, as an African American I can tell you that is UNPRECEDENTED.

So rather than mourning the life of Oscar Grant or supporting his family in their time of grief, a handful of miscreants has chosen to "wait til after dark" to loot and destroy, despite Grant's family asking for peace.

Anger is a red flag, but not an excuse. We are not animals. We can think with higher minds and direct that energy any way we want to. The fact is, a handful of folks unable or unwilling to control themselves and be respectful has reinforced in the police's minds that riot police are needed in Oakland, that black folks can't control themselves, that we prefer to raid FootLockers for sneakers that find real solutions to the problems that plague us.

As you can see, I, too, am angry. But I use this anger to do healing work on my community, to teach others to do healing work and to write (albeit, a bit of a rant) in the hopes of enlightening.

My prayer is that in times of angst, anger and grief we choose to talk to those who will listen compassionately to work through our anger to solutions. My prayer is that we can take a moment to see just how far we have come, rather than only seeing how far we have to go. My prayer is that we see that the business owner trying to feed his family is no more to blame for the actions of the police than your grandmother. My prayer is that respect make a reappearance. Amen.

So since the verdict, part of what I've been holding onto is a bitter notion of humanity - how people love getting angry (or offended, or outraged, or defiant, or self-righteous) in response to seeming injustices, and how unproductive that is. How (as I wrote in response to Lakenda's post) the instinct to 'fight' serves no one.

Buuut ... this piece is widening the lens on my so-called 'perspective.' For one thing, the injustice is only 'seeming' to me in this case because not one part of my experience (save living in the bay area and being, ya know, human) touches one part of the experience of the people whom this is personally affecting. I am very much outside looking in ... I was one of those people watching the news (for the first time in years) on Thursday evening with an air of expectation - of what, I don't know. I couldn't relate to the anger because (a) I'm so averse to anger in general and (b) I have no direct idea what the verdict awoke (or exacerbated) in millions of people. Thank you for reminding me about compassion - even (or especially) toward people to whose experience I can't necessarily relate.

Also, I feel immensely hypocritical because I've learned (and keep learning) that the only way to have this here human experience is to feel what we feel. Whatever it is. Even if it makes no sense. Even if it seems counter-productive. You can't skip over the feelings. Sure, you can try (many do - me included) but that leads to stuff that's even less helpful. Oy.

I loved this line the most: "I stopped writing because I wanted to experience what I was feeling in the moment instead of already trying to document it." Your whole piece speaks to presence, compassion, and truth. You are a wise bird, me darlin. It's a blessing to be able to learn from you every single day.

Love you kookily,