Monica,
As mom of two boys (13 & 16 (on 8/29), as well as a woman who's been through many phases of sexual and/or emotional relationships, I really appreciate this post! And all of the comments, too. Thank you!!

While I would land with the philosophy that a lot of sexual exploration can actually damage the ability to be fulfilled in a relationship (see studies published in the last year claiming varied sexual partners lead to decreased satisfaction in relationships), I do think there are some excellent points in this article.

Going back to ancient Greek times and Lysistrata, *women* tend to pull the strings when it comes to sexuality. When we choose to believe men are not interested in commitment and not capable of being monogamous we enable men to lower their standards and treat women as "less than."

I love that feminism has freed women to step out of the cookie cutters... but I hate that it has made women who genuine *want* the traditional life feel like they're missing something....

The most important thing to teach your kids, in my opinion, is to value other humans and love them *despite*; despite their faults, despite their success, despite their ambition... to genuinely love, sacrifice and offer grace in relationships, even when it's hard.

That's my two cents... :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

Oh my- you took the words right out of my mouth! (By the way, my 5 year old also asked me about Rihanna's song!)

What a fabulous article.

As someone who has never ever in my entire life "hooked up" I honestly can't relate to this concept. I went through a phase where I thought maybe I should try random hook ups, that maybe I was missing something vital and empowering by not doing so.

I've always been quick to go deep. In fact, I joke that I don't put out on the first date, and if you get a second date, I'll probably marry you.

But in truth, the whole concept of random hook ups has just never appealed to me.

If hook ups for women are empowering, then I think I agree with my friend Nicole Daedone. Maybe we've empowered ourselves out of our own surrender, when in truth, what every man wants is a woman who is putty in their hands and what every woman wants is a man who wants to make art with her putty.

I don't know. It's complicated.

But such a great topic to consider.
Thank you!
Big love
Lissa

While I appreciate this article, have some of the same concerns about my kids and hook-up culture, and agree that it's tough to have to explain S&M to a pre-teen because of a pop song, as someone who has explored BDSM within deeply intimate relationships and as a method of profound psycho-spiritual healing, I don't appreciate the implication that S&M is empty sex. It furthers the negative view of BDSM among those who simply don't understand it.

BDSM often leads to deeper intimacy between people rather than empty interactions, just by the nature of playing within power dynamics and challenging ourselves physically and emotionally. A safe BDSM scene includes emotional safety, which requires a sort of emotional intimacy that casual sex does not. Of course there are people who have casual BDSM interactions, but in my experience there is most often real friendship and intimacy at the core of even casual play. You just can't go to those intense places safely without it.

In regards to raising our children with a sex positive mindset, just like many children know they are gay or trans at an early age (my son came out as gay when he was 11), I know many people who practice BDSM who started exhibiting tendencies for bondage, sadism and masochism at very early ages. In fact, I recently discovered my own 15 year old daughter has been cutting as a way to manage her emotional world. We are now talking about healthy ways of channelling her intense emotions, which includes using the body to release emotion without causing harm to herself (yoga, dancing, etc.). Because of my own experience with managing my emotional world through physical masochism (an intense scene allows me to release a lot of stress and emotion stuck in my body), I am able to both empathize with and support her rather than freak out at her behavior (and yes, I also have her seeing a therapist).

As my children have moved through their teen years, they have learned a little bit about BDSM. They don't know what I do or how I do it. But they know it exists and they know that lots of people they care about within our community participate in such activities. They know they can ask questions without fear of judgment or other negative consequences.

I know it's scary to consider exposing our kids to ideas that are challenging even to us, but the reality is some of us are just wired this way, and growing up knowing that we're normal and lovable just as we are is vital to growing up healthy and whole.

Thank you for your consideration, April

I love your post! Fantastic writing. I do agree that it is the independent woman who no longer has the time to chase after a romantic relationship that is fueling this change. However. These are the same women who are making careers, becoming independent and aren't the stereotype of a needy, nagging housewife either. They are the women who, when they love, they love because the want to, not because they need to. And these are the women who follow their careers, travel to the 4 corners of the world and back home again with stories of wonder and enchantment they wouldn't have gotten if they had stayed at home afraid to spend theirs & their partner's money. These are the women who build relationships of all types. It is true that it's relationships that make life more meaningful and beautiful. But I think that it's very important for a girl to know how to nurture other, just as beautiful, relationships. The 'romantic relationship', now in 2011, is only a part of the whole, rather than the whole.