No Regrets?

I like to say that I have no regrets in life, that all of my mistakes and bad choices molded me into a better person or at least taught me some valuable lessons. But for a long time I did hold one huge regret. It was something that over time I released but was reminded of while reading and watching this report on the rising c-section rate ("one in three new moms are now delivering their babies by Caesarean section").

My Childbirth Fantasy

In a women’s studies class in college we watched a film on the birth process where a woman gave birth in the squatting position. I was fascinated and amazed and decided then and there that THAT was how I’d birth my own babies. About nine years later at my first OB/GYN appointment, I asked the doctor if it would be possible for me to deliver that way. She answered in the affirmative and I began practicing the squatting position almost daily.  

I had a normal and joyous pregnancy with only one problem -- I went past my due date. My husband had a job interview out of state eight days after my due date. The clock was ticking. I felt great urgency to get our baby out BEFORE he left town. Happily and ignorantly, I scheduled an induction. The only information I heard was that they would give me some medicine, labor would start, and I would have a baby by the end of the day. 

My Childbirth Reality

I went in on a Monday morning and started receiving Pitocin around 7:00am. I experienced twelve hours of excruciatingly painful contractions that did not make my body any more ready to give birth and seemingly caused my baby a great deal of distress. By late in the afternoon, I was begging for a c-section. My fantasy of that beautiful and natural childbirth disappeared as they took me into surgery and retrieved my daughter. Afterwards I was whisked into recovery where I missed the first few hours of my daughter’s life and the most valuable time to begin a breastfeeding relationship (which is a whole other story!). 

The VBAC Attempt

As I mourned the loss of the birthing experience, I vowed to try once again if given the opportunity. During my second pregnancy I luckily found a doctor willing to let me give VBAC a try. This time around I armed myself with knowledge and hired a doula. I went into labor over a week past my original due date. I discovered that my body had an extremely erratic process. I checked in and out of the hospital twice before they actually kept me and once there, my labor halted at 5.5 centimeters dilated. It was then that I was given two options: go home and risk the possibility of my water breaking and the cord coming down in front of the baby with horrible consequences... or have a c-section. What I heard was c-section or dead baby. I did what anyone would do and agreed to another surgery.    

Though my first c-section recovery was no walk in the park, the second one was horrendous. My incision became infected and a home nurse had to come out and treat the wound for several weeks. In those days I did more second-guessing and wondering -- had I truly been offered the only options? Would the hospital really have sent me home if doing so would have put my baby at such great risk? In my grief I began to plan for a third child, one more try at the rite of passage I so desperately longed for.

Peace (without the Rite of Passage)

It has been five years and I’ve since decided our family of four is just perfect. I have made peace surrounding my two c-sections. I’m sharing my story here not to talk anyone considering an elective c-section out of it, but rather to inform the mothers-to-be who hope to avoid one. If I could go back in time, I would have been more patient… even if it meant birthing my daughter alone in Texas while my husband was interviewing in Florida.

I think we have to remember that every woman has a different process. Just because five women you know popped their babies out two weeks early after six hours of labor doesn’t mean your labor won’t last twenty-four hours, or that your baby will be late like both of mine, or that your baby will come early like your friends'. There are so many medical interventions in the birth process these days that you rarely hear of all the deviations. I’m not sure if I would have successfully birthed my daughters or not -- in the end I may have actually needed those c-sections. I just know that in both cases I didn’t give myself enough time, try all the alternatives, or get educated on my options before agreeing to surgery. 

We make light of c-sections, but they are major surgeries. In those precious early days of motherhood, there is really no more added stress than that of recovering from major surgery!

What about you, Pinkies? Did you find yourself making any unexpected decisions in preparation for your baby's arrival? Do you have any advice for new moms-to-be where labor and delivery is concerned?

Photo credit: My daughters and me just hours after my second c-section. It definitely doesn't express the "afterglow" I was so longing for, but I do have two beautiful healthy little girls!!