Linda,

I feel it safe to assume that you are not at fault here. Being hot and sexy should work wonders for a husband if his sexual energy is not zapped.

Men have two appetites: sex and food.

Ask him about if he feels appreciated at work or if he feels overwhelmed with the pressures of it. Most likely, he gains a lot of self esteem from his performance at the office and in the bedroom with you.

Job stress can kill libido in men.

Home stress can kill it too.

How is the home environment? Just the two of you? Are kids in the equation. The stress of raising kids can either kill libido or make it virtually impossible to be intimate when they are ever present.

Pressure to perform, the desire to make sure you are being pleased sexually can cause loss of libido in a man.

He could be suffering from performance anxiety. He may have premature ejaculation fear and a desire to make sure you don't miss out on your orgasm too.

Are there any ways to relieve or remove these stresses from your marriage? Have a try at that.

The other thing may be that his prior sexless marriage may have brought an expectation of low sex activity.

Has he ever opened up to about the reality of the circumstances of that failed relationship?

My biggest advise to frustrated wives is to start off with taking the initiative. When you are sure that stress is low, distractions are gone, and you have his attention do the following:

Set up the platter for his appetite, and while showing a lot of "happy wife" respect toward him, invite him to enter the romantic room you set up.

Make everything easy. Quietly help him every step of the way. Make it clear if you have to that you do not want him to worry about his performance. You are interested in the intimacy.

If he has excuses, then don't argue. Just continue to get the romantic room ready.

If he doesn't get the hint then simply ask him what he wants.

If you make him feel bad about the way he failed, or about your dissatisfaction it may make his anxiety worse. The more he feels like a man, like a leader, like an achiever he should regain his drive.

Perhaps there are deeper issues at work here and asking the right questions should lead to better answers. You can also get help on my blog post: Check out 3 Tips for Intimacy in Marriage.

If this works, or does not work, please consider letting me know.

Sussie,

Your response to my article is the kind of encouragement that will win you so many friends.

Thank you for seeing value in my site.

Real connection and reconciliation can be found deep in the trying to understand each other.

Tactics used to make change is a short term fix at best.

Instead, in marriage, partners have to cut through the crap as it were. Marriages need to get to a place of acceptance of becoming involved deeply with each other. Also, marriage partners should be encouraged to accept the other as a person of worth and dignity.

I see many marriages fall apart on marriage forums because of one partner losing intimacy and connection with the other.

The fed up partner says: "I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore."

Separation and often divorce ensues in these relational episodes.

I encourage every guy I know to really listen to and unravel the mystery that is his wife. That is an opening of the flower of closeness and communication. They synergize each other. Intimacy is achieved when two come close together.

Also, the husband that fails to lead, leads both to face failure in the marriage. I often consider him to be the decisive factor. Yet, when she consistently leads there often seems to be a resentment that grows.

Sussie, you made my day with your comment!

Thank you.