Do you ever have those days when you intend to support the love of your life, but then your evil twin shows up and sabotages you? I had one of those days a few weeks ago.

It was my hubby’s 44^th birthday, and we got a babysitter because all he wanted for his birthday was to stay home and have a quiet dinner and a little nooky. It started out right. We went for a hike to an ocean cliff, where we sat on the bluff with the dogs and cracked open a kickass bottle of wine. On the hike back, we chatted about the phone call we were going to listen to, which was hosted by my Big Sister Goddess Deb Kern and was aimed at helping our men integrate their lives into the lives of those of us who have done Mastery at Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts. My honey had missed Men’s Night because he was busy watching our four year-old so I could fly to New York (and graduate from Mama Gena’s!), so I was excited for him to participate in the call (which featured Pink Goddess of Mojo Caroline Muir and her partners from the Divine Feminine, Awakened Masculine Institute, as well as the men partnered with Sister Goddesses who had experienced the institute’s work).

So there we were, listening to the call while I chopped ahi tuna for sushi and whipped up a coconut sauce for our Dungeness crab. The call was fantastic, and I was so excited to talk to Matt about it afterwards. So I laid out our spread of fabulous food, lit the candles, and stared lovingly into Matt’s eyes.

Expectations

But I forgot my mantra. “Set goals, but release attachment to outcomes.”

I had set a goal -- that my husband would be interested in awakening with me. But I had forgotten to release my attachment to the outcome.

Matt thanked me for the lovely dinner and said, “That was great, but I’m not like those men.” And that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

Enter My Evil Twin

That’s when my evil twin showed up. All of a sudden, I found myself attacking my sweet, loving husband on his birthday, dredging up a whole slew of past gripes -- everything from his battle with depression to his inability to stand up to his mother to the night he couldn’t get it up in bed the previous week. (Bad wife! Bad wife!) The more I ranted, the more he shrank into this little elderly child who looked about 87 years old. The wrinkles on his face dented in more, his eyes lost their luster, and his shoulders hunched forward.

I felt so frustrated that I had spent the past four years doing massive amounts of personal work so I could get my mojo back, that I just laid into him. I felt like he’d witnessed my transformation -- and appreciated it -- but hadn't done any of the same work himself. Instead, he seemed content to just enjoy the fruits of my personal work without digging deep within himself to understand why he’s still depressed, anxious, and seriously lacking in mojo.

Once I got started, I just couldn’t stop. It’s like I had opened the floodgates and the criticisms and judgments (stemming from the fact that I have felt like I’m alone on my journey) all came rushing forth in a tidal wave. The more I spoke, the smaller Matt got.

Needless to say, our lovely dinner went largely uneaten, and after taking a bath, Matt climbed into bed, pulled the covers up over his head, and gave me a very perfunctory kiss goodnight before rolling over. Bye bye birthday nooky.

Finding His Inner Hero

When I woke up the next morning, my evil twin had gone to time out, and I found myself in the swamp. What came over me? How the hell did I think this was going to end up benefiting either of us? Yes, what I had said was true -- but just because it’s true doesn’t make it kind.

What I meant to do with my rant was shine a light on some of the areas in Matt’s life that I thought might benefit from some loving attention. But I went about it all the wrong way. I forgot something that Mama Gena taught us -- that men discover their inner hero most effectively through the vehicle of woman. If I had been able to address the same issues in a loving, courtesan-like fashion, maybe Matt would have risen to the heights I know he can achieve, rather than shrinking into the little boy that makes me want to stomp on him. Maybe I could have lifted him up rather than beating him down.

But I didn’t.

Setting My Intention to Honor My Man

And so I am committed to changing. I pulled out Sister Goddess Jill Rogers’ Seven Sacred Steps and am posting them on my bedroom wall.

1. Stand as a Courtesan. Trust in your Presence. Draw him in with your desire. Prepare for his arrival. Let him come in his own time. Enjoy your endeavors.
2. Listen for how to love him. Care and he will begin to trust you. Offer compassion and he will reveal himself. Hear him and you will know what he yearns for.
3. Appreciate who he is. See him for more than his appearance, for more than what he does, for more than how much money he makes, for more than what he can give you. See him -- past your judgments, expectations, prejudice and family history. See him -- as Divine. Believe in him. Give him back to himself.
4. Captivate him with your pleasure and your passion for life. Model everything. Slow him down. Awaken his senses. Intrigue him with a possibility. Arouse his desire. Take your pleasure.
5. Take him beyond what he knows. Explore and appreciate the intimacy of his body. Expand the boundaries of his mind. Initiate his union with the Divine.
6. Receive him completely. Love him unconditionally. Drink him into your soul. Embrace his vulnerability. Let him rest in your arms. Accept his gift.
7. Let him go in deep love. Surrender to the experience. Express your deep gratitude. Trust your mark on his soul. Let him know he is free.

And so I shall try.

What about you? How do you bring out the hero within your partner? How can we love and support, rather than belittle and denigrate? How do we get our own needs met when our partners aren’t on the same page as we are? What works? What doesn’t? I’d love to hear your wisdom!

Taking seven sacred baby steps,

Lissa