I turned 40 near the beginning of this year.  And, when all the TV shows and websites were analyzing the past decade, I did some reflecting of my own.  My 30s started with “nest building.” In 2000 my husband of 5 years and I bought a house.  We had both just gotten promising jobs.  Within a year, we had our first child. All was going according to plan. 

Then came the winds…

In 2002 I returned to work, after a 12 week maternity leave, and hit my first real bump in the road.  My son refused to take a bottle at daycare and would stay up all night breastfeeding.  I was operating on no sleep at work, and my boss was not amused.  I felt like he was nitpicking everything I did. My whole life, my bosses had loved me.  I’d always gotten great performance reviews. I didn’t know what to do!  After 6 months of struggling, I quit and became a stay at home mom.  It took some adjustment financially but I’d always been good with money. So, while things were “tight,” we were okay. 

As a stay-at-home mom, I enjoyed getting to know the other mothers in the neighborhood. I joined a “mom’s morning out” cooperative.  I really loved spending so much time with my son.  But, two years later (in 2004), my husband announced that he had been having an affair, and that his affair partner was leaving her husband.  He moved out.

Picking up the pieces

My practicality once again came to my aid.  I quickly found an attorney, grabbed the savings, found a job, found daycare (on just a few days notice) and within a few months, was financially, if not emotionally, stable.  And, two years after my marriage ended (in 2006), I got involved in another relationship. Around this time, my grant-funded job ended.  I wasn’t worried, though, because there were plenty of jobs!  And sure enough, I found another very quickly.  Plus, the new job paid a lot more!  I finally felt like I was once again stable in all areas of my life. 

The stability didn’t last long, however. The new relationship ended in 2008.  And, less than three years into my new job, in the fall of 2009, my place of work announced they were required to lay off one third of the employees.  I was part of the “chosen ones."

Being (lovingly) pushed out of the nest

So, I’ve started my forties as a single, laid-off mom.  Is this how I pictured starting this decade?  No.  No way. Being laid off in a horrible economy, with practically no jobs to even apply for, I’ve been forced to view my life a little differently. Most of my major life decisions have been based on creating stability. I was always the “good girl.” I made straight As. I graduated magna cum laude in college.  I even married (who I thought was) the “safe guy.”

I saw a pattern of frequently ignoring my own feelings and preferences in favor of perceived security. Also, I realized that I had always placed my sense of security in the hands of another person – a partner or a boss or the approval of someone else. I’ve been unemployed before but I was always in a relationship (I haven’t been single this long since I was a teenager!).  I’ve been single before but I was always employed. I feel like the Universe has pushed me out of the nest and said, “It’s time to learn to fly.”

Flapping my wings

In my reflections, I wondered what would happen if I started to look to myself for security.  If I were to trust my heart and try something that appeared risky, would that actually bring more stability? Maybe.  And, maybe not.  I’m learning, the hard way, that there are no guarantees.  But, if life is going to be unstable anyway, I might as well live it doing what brings me joy. 

I asked myself, “What would you do, if you didn’t have to worry about making money?”  Some interesting things have come up, and I’ve done my best to act on them.  In my last job, I was manager of education and outreach for a university institute.  I loved the work, although I wasn’t particularly inspired by the institute’s research focus.  I decided that I would start my own institute on a topic that I was passionate about. Thanks to the internet, that was possible with almost no start-up cost.  So, FemCentral, The Virtual Institute for Women was born! In the past year, I discovered a natural talent for astrology, and I spend a lot of time reading charts and increasing my skill.  I am also taking community art classes -- I was surprised to discover that part of me really wants to be a Bohemian artist.  Interestingly, I’m happier than I’ve ever been! 

I will say that I’m grateful for my practicality. My ability to budget means that I am able to make my unemployment insurance and child support stretch to meet most of my monthly expenses.  My savings provides me some peace of mind.  But, I need to make sure that I use my practicality as a tool that gives me freedom to explore my passions.  In the past, I’d instead become a servant to it.

Starting to soar

People frequently ask me if I’m panicked that I don’t have a job and am not in a relationship.  My mind does occasionally tell me that I should be panicked. My intuition, however, gently reminds me that I’m perfectly okay right now. Life has taught me that the future is uncertain and that seemingly unwanted events can be gifts in disguise.  I now repeat the mantra, “Do what you love and the money will follow.” Is that really true?  I’m not sure.  But, for the first time in my life, I’m willing to risk it.

What risks are you afraid to take in your life? Take the first step and acknowledge them here.

Then, COME FLY WITH ME!

Jennifer

Feature photo © PhotoXpress.com