It's that time again.. Happy Saturday Posse Party! The author of this post is someone you might of met before on the Magical Eyes Tour. In her video interview, Sheena shared the transformation Magical Eyes gave to her. Welcome back, Sheena LaShay to the Owning Pink stage as she spreads her love just a little bit further.

For a long time, I thought that I was tainted and damaged goods because of horrible experiences I suffered at the hands of my former stepfather. The ideas of healing, of being whole, of having healthy friendships and relationships seemed so farfetched that I couldn't even imagine them. I think it's why I dove deep into writing fiction -- if I couldn't be a real woman because I was so dirty, then at least my characters could have great friends and wonderful relationships.

Accepting love

Accepting love from others when you see yourself as damaged goods or as a broken person is very hard. I remember dating many men and while they were not perfect, I kept feeling that I was "not good enough" when around them. While I've always been a confident person, I was a tainted confident person. I knew that I was intelligent, I knew that I was creative, dynamic and all those other things -- but I also saw myself as poison. I felt that because my former stepfather had poisoned me, in return I would poison everyone close to me.

Throughout the years it has been so challenging to let people love me. Even to this day, to hear words like "You are good enough" still hurts a little. But it's gotten better.

How?

I have found that while I take control of my safety and my protection, I can surrender to love. Pure unadulterated love. It's easier to say than do. I think I spent the first two years of my relationship with my boyfriend just learning to let go. Most of my journal entries document feelings like, "I can't believe he wants me to trust. He wants me to just walk blindly, take a risk, be vulnerable. I can't do that. Is he crazy?"

No. I was crazy. Well, not crazy -- but someone with a broken viewpoint that had been damaged by a bad situation. I wasn't damaged -- but my views on love, trust, vulnerabilty and healthy risk-taking certainly were. Slanted and tainted and in need of mending and grace.

Let people in

These obstacles were also present in my friendships -- for a long time, it was just too hard to let people in. When you are so used to putting up walls and boundaries to block out the pain and hurt and abuse, you can also block out the love and joy and fellowship of good people. I learned that instead of putting up a wall, I needed to put up a filter. Instead of just closing the door on everyone, I needed a screen that could block out the pesky little buggers with bad intentions.

It has taken trial and error. It has taken tears. Therapy. Hundreds of conversations. Dozens of journal entries. I have had to make mistakes and try new things, but I have found that once I reached past the victimization and circumstance -- once I let that go, I was able to hold on to something else that was worth my time. Love.

The balancing act

I think it just all comes down to choice. For awhile I sometimes found solace in my depression, isolation, and views of being damaged goods. Eventually I wanted something else. When we are ready, we will act differently. While the act of our victimization wasn't our choice at all, deciding to stay a victim is left up to us. I wanted to be a survivor, a thriver and a warrior. I wanted to be a healthy woman. I really didn't want to die at 25, when I morbidly wrote my own obituary alone, thinking myself unlovable. So I started visualizing a new me. Those visualizations affected my words, my actions and my choices. Those visualizations affected where I found myself and who I spent my time with. As mentioned before, through trial and error, through making mistakes and through painful realizations, I discovered a new me.

Ok, my relationships are not all roses and sunshine and rainbows. I find myself still trying to say, "Ok, I'll let you love me but I won't let you have me." It feels like a balancing act. I never thought I'd be able to love someone purely or that someone could really see me and love me. But being in a place where I even have close friends, healthy family relationships and a loving romantic relationship? Indeed signs of progress and growth.

I don't think love makes the world go round but do I think that it grounds us. It pulls us out of the depths of a depressive hell and it brings us back to earth. It gives us something to hold on to when everything else is chaotic. And while the bad things in my childhood were not my choice, love is. I have full control over whom I allow into my life and knowing that, I am able to surrender to love.

What about you, Pinkies? How have you surrendered to love? What obstacles have you overcome on the path to self-love and acceptance? Are you letting others love you? Are you loving yourself?!

Letting the love in,

Sheena