Owning Pink Bloggers
Making Feminism Sexy Again
Years ago, my father kept an image of my mom taken during their early courtship. Sitting demurely on the edge of a chair, her hands on her bare lap, she’s clad in next to nothing, just a bit of black lace and a mysterious smile. It wasn’t something I was supposed to see, and that alone sparked curiosity. She was sensual before I could identify what that really meant, and before the woman’s liberation movement had begun, with its prattle of burned bras.
What's in a name?
Nowadays, one might call women accomplished in their curves and femininity any number of monikers. The Brits have "yummy mummy," their version of an acronym that rhymes with F I L T H, equally devoid of charm and mystery. Maybe that’s why modern labels rankle sensibilities. Do we want someone to look our way and say, that’s a Mother I’d like F**K? Out of the mouth of our beloved, if it’s his lust and love motivated behind those words, we may purr at the potty talk – if we are so inclined for private smut or brave enough to admit it.
The answer gets blurrier the further away it moves from reciprocity and/or love… For every term that gets invented – think of “Cougar” and you’ll know exactly what I mean – there are protests and counter protests as to why it’s sexist, age-ist, biased, disgusting, the most glorious verbal remedy in the world, empowering, etc. The sexualization of labels is a tortuous labyrinth. Slut. Whore. Words that rhyme with hunt and rich. Man-hater, Carpet-muncher, Sugar Babe and Toxic Witch. The longer the list, the more one can imagine why little girls chant and giggle, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me..."
Don’t misunderstand me.
In no way do I want to turn back the clock on the advancement of women’s rights, just suggest that in the quest to define what that means, we don’t throw away all that makes a woman uniquely, and unequivocably, bigger than mere words. Not so long ago, we were Feminists, but that evolved into an F-word. Sex-Positive Feminism came along. Porn-Hating, Sex-Positive Feminist…oops, change that again. Erotica-Loving, Sex-Positive Feminist. All the while, we pick our sides, find our evidence, and dig right it, arguing about the righteousness of our point of view. It’s all so predictable, in a way, and an exercise in pointlessness. Because, ultimately, it seems that the same thing happens over and over again; yesterday’s language of rebellion becomes today’s words that bind.
Think what we may about the philosophies of gender, power and politics, sooner or later all that mysterious, sensuous, and feminine Goddess power was going to rebel and demand an audience. Labels and movements fall short, not because of wrong intention, but because, in order to work, they have to admit to human nature. We are not like men. And it occurs to me that the woman in the photograph taken 40 years ago owned this truth without having to say a single word. Which makes me consider: What other aspects of our feminine selves need to be re-invigorated, re-invented, and re-born, if feminism is to be sexy again? What do you think?
Tinamarie is a writer for several websites. You can find her at twitter and www.tinamariebernard.com, or send her a private message at modernlovemuse @ yahoo dot com.
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Why worry about labels?
By Arpita (not verified) on Tuesday, 05/24/2011 at 12:52 PMThe way I see it, we're here to have FUN and REJOICE in what we've got. I enjoy being a woman. I love rejoicing in my physical allure, connection to the Earth and wisdom, ease and grace in being understanding of other's judgment while still enjoying myself. I love following my impulses. The impulses of my woman body feel so luxurious and powerful! I love my moods, I love being attracted to old men and young men and I LOVE the freedom of fully loving and accepting myself no matter what society says. I love having the choice to laugh in the face of labels or to accept and embrace them. I love the idea of being a holy whore, in it for myself and for exposing a man to the power of the Goddess, expressed through ME.
holy Goddesses!
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Tuesday, 05/24/2011 at 8:58 PMThere's so much fun in this response, I don't know where to start! I'm going to copy this and paste in on my FB page, it's so inspiring. Thank you!
Forget the monikers and
By Anonymous (not verified) on Wednesday, 05/11/2011 at 10:35 PMForget the monikers and express yourself through...well yourself. I don't need to be sexy by thinking of myself as an assertive b*tch. I just act naturally, saying what I think and feel. Monikers have no power for me, and in fact, I feel they limit women.
Individual women have the best chance for empowerment by supporting themselves. Sexists only have the power to degrade us because we let them. I am not saying women should ignore criticism, but only listen when it comes from people who matter. I know many women who also strive for perfection. I doubt if they have ever felt satisfaction. How are you ever going to feel sexy if you are not satisfied with yourself?
Freedom
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Wednesday, 05/11/2011 at 10:48 PMI think there's a lot of truth to what you are saying. I also think that we are fortunate to be living in a time and place that allows some women to express these things. There are many sisters around the world who are trapped by those monikers, and have no clear escape pod! They aren't striving for perfection either, but for safety or food for their children, or freedom from harm.
What I'm thinking as I read your comment is how wonderful this community is for allowing us the space to explore like this, and that as more women throw off those monikers, how can we reach out across the miles to help other women find the same freedoms? From judgement, from monikers, from shame, from fear...
Cougar
By Jeni (not verified) on Sunday, 05/01/2011 at 6:52 AMI suppose I could be called a cougar. It's a label I joke around with but don't take too seriously. I am 37 and currently dating a 20 year old. Last year I had a 27 year old lover. Initially, I felt a little weird about it but I have since realized that my choice of lovers depends less on their age and more on their attitudes and interests.
The truth is, for the past four years, I have tended to date men who are either between 45-55 or men who are 20-30 years old. Why? Because men in those two age groups are less focused on their careers and raising families. They're more interested in travelling and enjoying their lives. Bottom line: I'm a woman bent on pleasure. I want men who are interested in going on that ride with me, regardless of their age. My sexiness derives from my sensuality and love of pleasure. Men who appreciate that, appreciate me.
Knights and Kings
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Sunday, 05/01/2011 at 10:47 PMHi Jeni - A few years back, I read a book that categorized men into certain groups based on where they were in their lives. Pages, Knights, Princes and Kings. It struck me as I read your comment that the men you were dating fit into the Knights and Kings categories for the reason you specified. What I admire most about your insights is just how clear you are about yourself and your needs, and for that I say, Rock On! You are owning your version of Pink in a glorious, bright way. :)
Love it. I feels so good to
By Torn (not verified) on Thursday, 04/28/2011 at 2:23 PMLove it. I feels so good to even just read and talk about femininity as something beautiful to be embraced in all of its essence. I also liked what what you said about yesterday's rebellious labels becoming todays words that bind. Why do they always become so binding?
Anyway, I always seem to feel so torn about embracing certain aspects of femininity. For example, does skin exposure and beauty on TV and in the media empower women to be proud of their natural physical beauty and femininity or is it disempowering becuase that type of beauty is promoting women to be seen only as sex objects and promoting pressure to be a certain kind of beautiful? And what does that mean for me as an average person. Whenever I glitz up and wear my favorite and flattering dress, put some makeup on and feel super sexy, part of me feels empowered and beautiful but the other part of me feels like a tool of social pressure to be beautiful for others (i.e. I should feel sexy and beautiful no madder what I'm wearing). Yikes, any advice?
the million dollar question!
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Friday, 04/29/2011 at 2:06 AMDear Torn,
You are asking the million dollar question! A very good one for women (girls, men and boys too) to consider for themselves. There's no denying that we live in a visually driven society with regards to female 'attrativeness.' Psychology Today put together a great spread in December 2010 on this very topic. Here's my general sense. How you dress/present yourself matters, but I think we as Americans could learn from some of our counterparts in other areas of the globe. For example, French women are very stylish and also feel great about themselves well past the time when we enter serious self doubt. They know that a woman is in her prime all her life, and that she is empowered by many things, including physical. American's on the other hand, place too much emphasis on conforming to some silly norms - thinner, younger, blonder - and we see the results: Lower self-esteem, self-loathing, eating disorders, etc.
Instead, I envision a paradigm in which we celebrate beauty and open up the parameters of what beauty means! Beauty is so much more than just a limited narrow unattainable ideal, air-brushed beyond any reality. Be beautiful in your sweats because you are! Be beautiful in your slinky black dress - because you are! Dress for yourself first and foremost, adorn yourself because those baubles bring you joy, accept the pleasure that comes from wearing those funky boots or sassy red shoes, etc. And love yourself even on your off days, when your hair is askew and your allergies are turning your eyes red, etc, and there's no way in God's glorious earth that you are going to worry about what other's think of your un-made face. It was made perfectly for you to begin with, with or without makeup, right?
You can only be torn if you feel that what you are doing isn't in line with your core values. Figure out what those are in regards to your sexuality, attractiveness, femininity, feminism, etc, and I'm guessing you won't feel so conflicted about this anymore.
Hope this help!
The name box
By Raven Shelly (not verified) on Saturday, 04/30/2011 at 10:17 PMI think that one of the reasons we rankled at labels aside from the sexism. age bias etc... is, why does their need to be a word besides woman? I call these labels name boxes. Women get moved from one name box to name another to another. All these names are so limiting.
At the risk of sounding like like an un-sexy feminist; men don't seem to have as many names. When I say "He is a man" that can mean many things, it is more all encompassing. He can be a proud man, a brave man, a smart man etc... He might possess all of those qualities or none of those qualities. If I make that statement I usually don't have to explain what I meant, I don't have to qualify it. He is a "man".
One of the gifts that is coming to me with age is an understanding of myself that is unfolding and expanding in ways I never imagined. I never realized how boxed I was. The success box, the pretty box, the sex box and all the names that go with them. For the first time in my life I don't have a name box to put myself in.
I am a woman who is just beginning to express myself. I am all those names and more. My being,is powerful and I am names the world does not yet know. I defy the name box, I defy the labels.
I continually change and flow with life.I emerge from deep sense of knowing that I am a perfect expression of what is natural and Divine. I cannot be contained in cultural definition.
I love this. Shell, once
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Saturday, 04/30/2011 at 10:37 PMI love this. Shell, once again you provoke with fabulous insights. I want to cut and paste this and post it all over the place, especially where younger women and girls can read it and know they are, to quote Lissa, 'Friggen powerful!'
weird Rachel
By Lissa Rankin on Thursday, 04/28/2011 at 6:44 AMYour comments are coming through- and no- there's not a character limit....
Is there a character limit? I
By Rachel A (not verified) on Thursday, 04/28/2011 at 5:20 AMIs there a character limit? I can't get my real comment to post?
:-(
Testing..
By Rachel A (not verified) on Thursday, 04/28/2011 at 5:15 AMHaving trouble posting... Testing a new comment...
Loving Loving...
By Rachel A (not verified) on Thursday, 04/28/2011 at 5:05 AMThanks for such a thoughtful & thought-provoking post. I grew up in a home where all kinds of love was present... Even though my mom was (still is) a devoted Catholic, there was plenty of of physical affection between my parents (my dad is still appreciative of my mom & vice versa), and between parents & children. Re photos, I remember seeing Polaroid pics of my 8-mos pregnant, fully nude momma, just standing next to our dining room table. We were all pretty comfortable w our physical selves. I appreciate it more now as a grown woman, married w two teenaged boys... The fact that my parents were very open with their love for each other. Great role models, I think!
The terminology (MILF, cougar, etc) is interesting. And it's also interesting to see different women embracing certain terms, with pride (but is it genuine pride or are they trying to adopt a persona that they think the world will be attracted to...?)
I had my first experience FEELING like a cougar a few weeks ago. Awkward! I'm only 37 which I think would be on the younger side for a cougar?? But when you throw 21 yr olds into the mix, and my oldest son is almost 16... Talk about conflict! I felt like I was breaking some sort of law.. A moral law?? Then a 47-yr-old coworker tells me that "cougar hunting" is popular now.
Anyway... Thank you again for such an interesting post!
To Cougar or not to cougar...
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Friday, 04/29/2011 at 1:55 AMHi there,
I so hear you, and totally understand your discomfort too. I'd probably feel awkward myself. I remember thinking one time that a particular actor was uber-hot, and then I learned he was born the same year as my father! That freaked me out, maybe in a similar way.
I'll share one of my love rules: I'd never date someone old enough to be my father...which means, I suppose, that you could turn that around and say, no one young enough to be my son either. That seemed to work for me though of course we all have our own comfort zones. As to the cougar culture, I'm also intrigued by that story as well. Is it empowering? Is it degrading? Is it wierd? Should we not even think about it at all?
Oftentimes, the focus is on the older woman, and not the man. If it is, there's this societal judgement that maybe he's dating 'below' his means...unless the woman in question is incredibly 'sexy'. I'm thinking the Demi-Ashton scenario. Otherwise, in non-celebrity circles, I get this funny feeling that there's still more judgement of the woman in such dynamics. I may be wrong or not explaining this well, simply because it's a conundrum for many of us. Which means I may just have to explore this in some future blog!
Bottom line - I don't think your discomfort is anything but normal, nor do I think you should feel 'bad' for having this encounter with a younger man. Take it as life experience - and all of that is a gift, right? - and bask in the good feelings it may have brought up.
As for your parent's - that's awesome. :)
naked women...
By Lone (not verified) on Tuesday, 04/26/2011 at 7:14 AMLove this. I don't think we need to name it, frame it, or otherwise describe it, because, it is, period. Expressed in many ways by many different women. We are complex beings. We are currently exploring and claiming and finding worth in our femininity on all fronts, almost like knowing ourselves anew and discovering something powerful about who we are, as women, as different than men. Of course we are different than men, isn't it odd to even consider we weren't?
I also remember my mom having her naked women paintings around the house, and I think it was her way of honoring that sensual mystique amidst a patriarchal household. Women may hide it and temporarily push their desires and inner wilderness aside, but I don't think a woman ever truly forgets who she is.
Thank you Miss TM for eloquently expressing and exploring this ... Love you! xo
Powerful
By Raven Shelly (not verified) on Sunday, 05/01/2011 at 3:06 PM"I don't think we need to name it, frame it, or otherwise describe it, because, it is, period. Expressed in many ways by many different women. We are complex beings. We are currently exploring and claiming and finding worth in our femininity on all fronts, almost like knowing ourselves anew and discovering something powerful about who we are, as women, as different than men. Of course we are different than men, isn't it odd to even consider we weren't?"
Lone this so eloquently describes the experience I was reaching to articulate in my reply. It is knowing myself anew, it is discovering a powerful depth of being I didn't know was in me. Surprising to my was that my real access to this place came from rage. Embracing rage let me see myself in a whole new way. I discarded with little regret people, laces and things that no longer served me. I took on caring for myself with a vengeance. I was able to be more loving, softer, more vulnerable because now I had the confidence of knowing that I safe. That I am also fierce and powerful and can fight for myself, and others.
Naked Truth
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Tuesday, 04/26/2011 at 10:18 PMDear Lone - so pleased to hear from you. I love what you say about seeing naked pictures of women in your home. We have some artwork that is sensual and tender, and my children are both awed and used to it now. They are naturally wild and curious, and it seems so odd to me that as a society we are more comfortable exposing our children to scenes of violence rather than love and loving! When woman remembers who she is, the world is a joyous place indeed! Loving you too, dear friend.
YES! OWN that pink, baby
By Lissa Rankin on Tuesday, 04/26/2011 at 6:34 AMThis very concept is what spurned me to start Owning Pink seven years ago (it started as an art series!) I consider myself a feminist- and yet I don't hate men, burn bras, cut my hair short, or get super angry. Instead, I dance on poles, wear pink, and love pretty lingerie. And I don't do it for some guy. I do it for me. That's what owning pink is all about- the power to choose- red or blue or green or PINK. Career or stay-home parenting or a black thong or granny panties.
Choice is sexy. Authenticity is sexy. Being a woman is sexy. And feminism can be FUN! Ha!
What a wonderful article Tinamarie. You're such a goddess with words!
Rocking that F word
Lissa
More than sexy!
By Tinamarie (not verified) on Tuesday, 04/26/2011 at 10:41 PMThanks for your support, dear friend. You know how much I admire your work here, and how much I enjoy provoking thoughts that bring up closer to our inner juiciness. Women are wonderful and powerful and amazing - even when we are our very non-sexy selves, which in my case happens frequently. LOL! I've come to understand that we ebb and flow with our sexuality, that it's a fluid thing, and what's most important seems to be that we don't block our energies. Just let be what needs to be, whether that's our inner roaring Goddess or the quite healing Goddess.
And you rock those words better than most, dear friend!