If I have to describe my ideal Hierarchy of Love it would be as follows: I love myself first, followed by my love and commitment to my husband. After that comes my dedication to my children, whom I would protect with my life if need be. This is not the most politically correct stance, unpopular especially with martyrs and wanna-be sacrificial lambs. That’s harsh language, and likely to set up bells and whistles in some heads.

Here’s the thing though...

I don’t love my kids any less than such parents who are slave to their love for their own offspring; I just finally learned to understand the parodox of selflessness differently. Turns out there is valid support for this view of maternal instincts (though in the spirit of fairness, I admit there are well-informed opinions on all sides of this issue). According to a recent article by Melissa Chapman, the best relationships follow the paradigm of mommy loves herself, daddy loves himself, mom and dad love one another, and mom and dad love the children. Chapman goes on to explain that as long as this structure informs the hierarchy of love, a relationship and family is stronger for it.

But when things get flipped around and the children are put in the primary position, when they are made to be the center of the kinship universe, the system breaks down. That is because there is nothing left at the end of the day for an exhausted couple to nurture and nourish their bond, if they’ve given it all to their brood.

Marriage as family center

On the other hand, children who grow up with parents who actively demonstrate their partnership and dedication to one another by making the marriage the center of the family, benefit from the stability and awareness of their place in that family structure. Happy children are those whose parents are happy, Chapman explained, and then she suggested ways for couples to set this standard. One in particular resonated with me – showing affection. Let your children see your loving bond. Let them hear you express your feelings, she explains, so that they realize mom and dad don’t sublimate themselves for anyone or anything.

It’s understandable why some women, even as they are reading this, are balking at the idea of taking time away from the little ones in order to save something for themselves and their partners. Most of us are worn out by the demands of daily living, inundated with work and personal stress. Who has time to kick up their heels at the beach with their best girlfriends, narry a care for the world? I think that’s one reason why I’m often drawn to the sophisticated and sensual photography by Ellen von Unwerth. She gets to the heart of our experiences, wants and longings, even those we don’t articulate so well. To assuage the guilt, we sacrifice our succulent selves and give whatever we have left to our children. The vicious cycle continues to everyone’s detriment because as vitality is sucked out from mom and dad, the family subsists on fumes.

When imbalance strikes...

What Chapman’s article doesn’t go into is something even more important in our touch-hungry world. I can think of nothing better to teach children about the foundation for intimacy than by parents who model affection. Show them a mother and a father who are stuck on one another like crazy glue so there’s no mistaking what grounds the family together – not the children, but the man and the wife. It isn’t always easy to maintain this paradigm. Some couples are further challenged by modern circumstances like divorce and blended families. Actually, I think ‘blended’ is the wrong word. Most mixed families are like a mélange of water and oil, that when properly shook creates a lovely marinade…until they settle and separate once more, as is fitting when it comes to love and parenting. In our case, my husband is a step-parent, although for all practical purposes, he is the primary father who does the hard work without basking in the glory of unchallenged adoration. That, my son still reserves for his biological father. As for my spouse, there are times when we disagree, and when those differences revolve around my eldest child, there is no clear solution. Sometimes I’ve allowed daylight between my beloved and me, either I’ve forgotten about the hierarchy, or I’ve become self-absorbed rather than focused on my legitimate needs (I didn’t say it’s easy to find the right balance). When imbalance strikes and becomes the pattern between partners, children know it. They recognize these openings, and like the self-preserving beings that we all are, they will pounce.

I can honestly say that my failure to keep my marriage in the center has always led to greater difficulties, creating frays at the end of the life my spouse and me are weaving together. This is an impossibly fine line to walk for families and relationships, but if we can reframe our understanding of selfishness – self-preservation helps us to better serve those we love – we may just rescue ourselves from our over-anxious, over-worked, under-nourished selves and find our inner hot mama with a penchant for making mischief, wicked heels and girlfriends with tennis-rackets-as-guitars in tow.

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What do you think? How do you view the paradox of selfishness? What is your Hierarchy of Love?

Tinamarie is a writer for several acclaimed websites. You can follow her on twitter at @ModernLoveMuse and visit her blog at www.tinamariebernard.com.