Owning Pink Bloggers
Meet Someone Exactly Where They Are
"You can’t stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you.
You have to go to them sometimes."
- Winnie the Pooh
She has a tendency to panic. Makes it hard to trust her.
He is chronically greedy. Grew up dirt poor. Money is everything.
She is a channel of pure wisdom, a naturally gifted seer.
He is a genius, able to connect vast intellectual concepts.
She is fragile, new, and green to the concept of cause and affect.
He is angry, wounded, perpetually antagonistic.
People are where they are -- despite our desire for them to be further along, more evolved, more fun, closer to our level, less intimidating, more relatable, easier to access, or simply more like us.
If we take the desire for someone to be different out of the equation - we can meet them where they are. We can meet them in the real moment. We can meet them in their despair or their magnificence.
And when we truly meet them, with no wishing for something different to wedge you apart, we'll know what to do. We will have the compassion to be calming, the humility to be reverent, or the wisdom to walk away. The question becomes, how would we treat "wounded," or "rage," or "brilliance"? Not how would we help (or coerce, or plead with) someone be more healed, or less angry, or more down to earth.
They are where they are. Consider the facts and let's spare ourselves the desire for change. Remove the friction of wanting to improve them. And engage. It's the only way change happens.
What about you? Are you able to abandon the desire to change your partner, friend, or family member? How does it feel to free yourself from the burden of wanting to change others?
Meeting you where you are,
Danielle
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Danielle LaPorte is the creator of WhiteHotTruth.com, which has been called "the best place on-line for kick-ass spirituality." She is the author of The Fire Starter Sessions: A Digital Experience for Entrepreneurs. You can find her on Twitter @daniellelaporte. Proceeds from the purchase of The Fire Starter Sessions go to Owning Pink! Click here to check it out.
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I guess I may not like them
By Sarah Mikulis (not verified) on Tuesday, 07/27/2010 at 6:07 AMI frog-leaped to your blog through my wonderful friend, Allissa Haines.
I think the scary question/reality at the end of the line is "do I really like this person then - when I truly see them for who they are?"
Because if the answer is no, and I'm trying to lead a life of truth and authenticity - scary action must now be taken - or at least contemplated.
Despite my best intentions, I can get caught up in just having a relationship and wishful thinking about my boyfriend or object of desire. I definitely dress others (whether men, mentors, older "wiser" folks) in some pretty fancy costumes suitable for a pedestal, and damn if I'm not pissed when they take those clothes off with the spotlight shining right at them.
I also have an unfortunately active built-in forgetter and forgiver. So hope can become blind fairly quickly.
Thanks for the reminder to keep the glasses a nice shade of clear rather than rosey - I can keep my heart warm, but my vision 20/20.
Sarah Mikulis
I guess I may not like them
By Sarah Mikulis (not verified) on Tuesday, 07/27/2010 at 6:07 AMI frog-leaped to your blog through my wonderful friend, Allissa Haines.
I think the scary question/reality at the end of the line is "do I really like this person then - when I truly see them for who they are?"
Because if the answer is no, and I'm trying to lead a life of truth and authenticity - scary action must now be taken - or at least contemplated.
Despite my best intentions, I can get caught up in just having a relationship and wishful thinking about my boyfriend or object of desire. I definitely dress others (whether men, mentors, older "wiser" folks) in some pretty fancy costumes suitable for a pedestal, and damn if I'm not pissed when they take those clothes off with the spotlight shining right at them.
I also have an unfortunately active built-in forgetter and forgiver. So hope can become blind fairly quickly.
Thanks for the reminder to keep the glasses a nice shade of clear rather than rosey - I can keep my heart warm, but my vision 20/20.
Sarah Mikulis
It's not you, it's my thoughts about you.
By Stacey Curnow on Monday, 07/26/2010 at 2:59 PMThanks so much for this thoughtful post, Danielle!
I create so much unhappiness for myself when I hold on to negative judgments of others. Your metaphor of a wedge is perfect.
Byron Katie's the Work helped me to see that it wasn't *ever* the person (like my husband who didn't seem to appreciate me) that was the problem - it was always my thoughts about him that were the problem.
Now that I've learned to address my thoughts ("If I need him to do something so that I feel more appreciated, I'll ask. He's not a mind reader. And very often he is more than willing to do what I ask. Bottom line: I appreciate me."), I'm much happier.
Thanks again for this post! It helps articulate such an important principle for happiness - meet someone exactly where they are, even yourself! Much love, s
Stacey is a nurse-midwife and life coach who helps you give birth to your BIG dreams- check out her FREE Purpose and Passsion Guidebook
Fear of how we will respond to others disappointing us
By Kim Lampe (not verified) on Monday, 07/26/2010 at 2:53 PMI'll never forget the the feeling when I very intentionally planned to respond to my husband from a place of acceptance and love rather than engaging in bickering to highlight shortcomings.
I knew it in theory but until I was prepared to not react from the a place of fear, which was my own disappointment that his actions caused, I couldn't fully feel my capacity to completely love.
At that moment my whole insides were warm and he had no words. He expected one thing and what he got was a huge dose of love in response to one of his shortcomings.
One of my top ten Ah ha moments.
Beautiful
By Amy (not verified) on Monday, 07/26/2010 at 6:19 AMDanielle,
This post is such a hard-hitter for me. (What else would I expect from you? :) I spent ten years with someone I relentlessly willed to be different -- and in retrospect I realize how very few were the real connections we experienced. No wonder.
What comes up for me in reading this is: how can I meet them where they are if I am not in my own personal safety? To me the first step in meeting someone else where THEY are is to to be solidly, comfortably in my truth. And to reach out from there.
Thank you for so beautifully pointing this out.
Ready to meet you,
Amy
So true
By Lauren (not verified) on Monday, 07/26/2010 at 6:17 AMThank you for this wisdom. I am committing this month to being who I am, and with that it takes the presence to stand up for my own boundaries and also to know if and when I choose to "have the compassion to be calming, the humility to be reverent, or the wisdom to walk away" with every situation and every person whom I wish to meet me at MY level. I also think there is a fear bringing down your level for others, contracting for others. But I always remember that I have a choice and that if I am waiting for others to see me, then I will wait forever. When I can just BE me, then others will only see me.