I can’t orgasm. What can I do?

I've gotten a couple of readers asking this question they wish they could ask a sex therapist. It's interesting that this question comes in many flavors, "I can have an orgasm by myself but not with a partner," and conversely, "I can orgasm with a partner but not by myself." I understand too, that some women have never had an orgasm at all. (If you're in this latter category, try the stuff in these posts, but also see your gynecologist in case there are physical issues that can be addressed.)

It's absolutely true that the female orgasm is complicated and more an art than a science. But according to Lissa in What's Up Down There?, 85-90% of women are physically capable of orgasming -- so if you struggle to come, it's likely that if you work at it a bit you'll be able to find your own special sauce and learn how to slather it! Some women report being able to orgasm from fantasy alone! 

Head Game: Let Your Mind Go Wild

I have to say that while I've always been able to have an orgasm from clitoral stimulation, there have been times (especially in the young mommy years) when it was so rare, or unsatisfying, that I thought my orgasms were next to useless. Exploring the subject, I've found the most common theme when it comes to women's orgasmic experience is that it's largely mental -- at least until the end, when it becomes intensely physical. I call this the Orgasm Tipping Point (OTP), which is the last 1% of the orgasm where your body totally takes over from your mind and takes you (and sometimes your lover) for a whopping ride.

The mental nature of the female orgasmic experience leading up to the OPT is very normal according to many sexperts and doctors -- and it totally makes sense to me when I read about it. I had one relationship where I didn't come -- despite being more turned on than I had ever been with a partner -- for the first six months of our dating life. During this time I was under a lot of stress and had a lot of guilt, having started dating him before I was technically out of my old relationship. Eventually, I dumped the first guy, and later the guilt, and got to enjoy the fruits of my hormones, but those first six months were beyond frustrating, and my inability to orgasm was entirely mental. The Hand could get me off, but the boyfriend couldn't. Hmmmm.

I've always found fantasy to be really important in getting stimulated enough to reach orgasm. I used to feel guilty about this (so much guilt around sex!), thinking whatever my lover was doing to me should be enough, and this led me to try not to fantasize (a useless quest, let me tell you). But I eventually got over this guilt too and just figured that whatever worked was what it took. Later I found out I was totally not alone. I also found out my husband fantasized too -- and not about me all the time. Although this bummed my ego out initially, I was finally able to let that go and since then it's actually freed me to let my imagination run wild. And the wilder I got in my mind the more satisfying sex I found I could have in the real world! My husband seems to agree.

So How To Get Your Head Into The Game?

First, get used to it by yourself. In a locked room, a quiet house when everyone is sleeping or gone for the day. Find yourself a little time when you won't be interrupted. If your lover wants to help you, try it that way too, but don't feel bad if you need to learn this skill on your own, because when you're good at it you can bring it back to the bedroom with positive effect!

Use your imagination - this part is really fun.

•   Think about different sexy things and see where your imagination wants to take you. Don't be afraid of following your thoughts into strange and dark places -- or froo-froo places either. Explore different situations, locations -- planets if you have to!

•   Feel it. If your mind has you on silk sheets, imagine what they feel like on your skin, smoothing over your nipples and inner thighs when someone slips them off you. If your lover is between your legs, feel their breath and the teasing touch of their tongue. Whatever happens, let your imagination tell your body what it feels like and, more than likely, your body will start to respond as though the fantasy were real (because in some ways it absolutely is).

•   Release reality. This is fantasy, right? Enjoy it! Gravity in your way? Float! Want to feel hands all over you? Surround yourself with loving people who only want you to feel pleasure. Your lover too tall or too small? Make your fantasy lover the proportion that turns you on. Winter time got you down? Put yourself in a meadow of fragrant flowers and no bugs and spread yourself out under the sun. Really, ladies, just let go and be where you want to be.

•   Explore others' ideas of sexy. Read romance novels and write the scenes in your mind the author doesn't dare pen. Read erotica, where the author does dare! If you're very visual (which most of us are), explore some erotic photography. Explore ancient statues of phalic symbols (surprisingly erotic!). Stick your toe in the waters of porn and look for the categories of things you think you'd enjoy, ignoring the stuff you're not too interested in. (More on this in future posts.)

•   Release judgment. For whatever reasons -- some good, some bad -- society has scripted us with way too much judgment when it comes to sex. When you're learning and exploring your own sexuality, especially in your own mind where it can't possibly hurt anyone else, it's best to just release judgment and follow the images and feelings where they want to go. Don't worry about whether you're "thinking right", you are! Or whether you're sinning, you're not! If you like the idea of being tied up when you fantasize it doesn't mean you want to be raped. If you like the idea of touching other women, it doesn't mean you're a lesbian (and who cares if you are?). Trust me, we all get off on different things, and the stuff that turns you on, turns some others off and vice versa. Leave judgment aside and just explore what makes YOU react. Learning your own versions of sexy will make you a more confident lover and human being and you'll know later what problems and opportunities that creates for you. Don't worry about it now -- put those worries OUT of your head -- and let your mind lead your body on a wonderful tour of sensual and sexy exploration.

We can't own our sexuality until we understand it and to understand it we've got to explore, research, and figure out what's right for us. Sadly, in our culture talking about sex doesn't happen that often in "polite society", so what is a woman to do? Talk about it here! Do your research and own your own sexuality for yourself and your lover(s)! Here are some things I've learned – personally and from the sexperts -- that have helped me have and improve my orgasmic experiences. What else can you add?

What about you? Is your sexual experience linked to your head? Does fantasy do it for you? Scare you? Does guilt get in the way of your body’s effort to get off? Anger? Confusion? Can you use fantasy with your lover? Please feel free to comment anonymously if it feels more comfortable...