I think there is some merit in trusting your gut but I also think as Lissa said you still pay attention. Don't park your brain. For my two cents, a sense of humor is everything. I laughed more with my present wife in one or two "dates" than I did in twenty years of my previous marriage. Laughing together isn't everything but it sure is a lot. If you're going to have a check list of anything besides the critical ones like Lissa said of being kind and not hurting anyone I suggest laughter. If you come off a first or second date and you laughed a lot, it's at least pursuing for awhile. Great post.

Tricia,
I love your story! Especially how you roll out the red carpet for your girlfriends but scroll through your mental check list for the guys. I guess I"m the opposite of you because I'm 41 years old and have been married 3 times. When I was young, guys always told me I was the kind of girl you marry, not the kind of girl you fuck. And I always felt so awful about that. In truth, I've been proposed to more than I said yes. And yes- it feels good to be loved and wanted. But I think the downside of having magical eyes- at least for me- is lack of discrimination. You see the good in someone, no matter what. You ignore the warning signs and focus on what is in someone's heart.

But I think there's a happy medium! You can see with magical eyes- and then scroll through the check list. I know, when I was young, my check list was silly. Likes green. Wears boxers. Has a job he loves.

As I got older, my check list got pared way down. Treats children kindly. Couldn't hurt a fly. Respects others.

I've been with my current husband for 8 years- and I got it right this time. Why? Because I ignored the silly checklist and chose kindness. Kindness is really all that matters. I didn't care that Matt had declared bankruptcy or that he was taking antidepressants. I cared that he treated me with the utmost respect and was transparent enough to tell me (on our first date) that he declared bankruptcy and took antidepressants! (I then blabbered on about my two divorces and he said, "Well, thank God you were strong enough to get out of relationships that weren't good for you.")

It sounds like you're ready, Tricia. And that's a huge part of it. When the time is right, the right person will appear. You just have to open your magical eyes so you can see him when he walks in. (It's gonna happen soon. I can just feel it. So look now! He might be walking in the door!)

Big love and lots of faith in you,
Lissa

Thank you for your post, Tricia! I'm a 40yo single mom (8yo son). My issues with relationships are a little bit different but have the same results. While I don't enter into relationships quickly, when I do meet someone that I "click" with, I then do anything and everything to make the relationship work. I was in a 13 year relationship (married for 9 of those), where I basically hid all my true emotions but instead molded and calculated every word and reaction so the relationship would last. There were many, many, many times when I thought I should end the relationship (including while saying my wedding vows!) but I was scared I'd never meet anyone ever again! When my now exH had an affair and left, I felt both like a failure and curiously free at the same time.

Two years after that, I got into another relationship, swearing I wouldn't do the same thing ever again. Well, I fell right back into the same pattern. I knew I was doing it but seemingly couldn't help myself. With that relationship, I knew I should probably end it but had that same fear. Luckily, that guy broke up with me just 1.5 years in (otherwise, I would have wasted even more years). Still, I was devastated; I realized I had NO IDEA what it meant to be in a relationship or how to make a relationship work. What I was doing had worked for my mom and her mom and her mom but it wasn't working for me.

I went into therapy. It's interesting what you write about your friends - I think you are on the right track. The first thing my therapist said I should do was cultivate more female friendships (I'd always put all my energy into just the romantic relationship). Being comfortable enough to be myself in friendships is great practice for actually being myself in a romantic relationship as well.

It's been well over two years since my last relationship ended, and I haven't dated at all. But, I think I'm ready. I'm scared as h3ll but ready.

To our next 25 (let's make it 50)!

Jennifer
Astrologer, Educator &
Founder of FemCentral, the Virtual Institute for Women