[photo credit: photoxpress.com]

Many of us who are reading this had crappy childhoods. Mine was really dark and led me to burying my feelings -- and then eating and drinking over them. I am a proud, courageous survivor of severe child abuse. But my childhood experience led me to feel like I may as well have been an intruder on the earth.  

Unable to receive

As a kid, I felt unworthy to be alive -- my inability to stop compulsively overeating just added to my self-hatred. I remember thinking that anyone who was not embarrassed to be seen with me must be crazy, as I was ashamed to be seen. I would actually call myself disgusting out loud so others knew that I, too, thought that I was gross. I wanted people to be aware that I felt horrible about my size -- and yet I could not break free of the story that kept me in my pain.

One word that was not part of my vocabulary back then was receive. I was unable to receive as a kid because this feeling of unworthiness blocked it. If and when people would try to offer me things, I would have this sinking feeling that I was not worthy. I would say, "No, thank you." It's funny because even though I was an extrovert out of the womb, I always had this voice humming in the background that said, "Don't mess this up, Laura -- you are lucky that they want to be seen with you."

As low as my self-esteem was, I became psychologically astute at a very young age. I can see today that this was true for me because it was my destiny to be that way. I knew I had a knack to be with people and understand people but I thought it was God's way of throwing me a bone. I thought God might be saying, "She can be good at this -- and nothing else." (Little did I know!)

By age 11, I was living on my own in foster care with no family around to hold me and I had to grow up fast. When I was a preteen, I remember therapists explaining to me that if I presented myself as the "loser" in the crowd, I would continue to feel like the "loser." And if I showed up as the "winner" in the crowd, I would feel like the "winner." They went on to tell me that my body should not be a reflection of who I am. I heard these words and yet I could not embrace them. I kept getting down on myself, unable to change.

My First Pinky Step

So how does one go from self-hatred to self-love? I can say first hand that once I decided to reclaim my power and take my life back, so began my process.  

My first "small" step was to see myself as a worthy human being on this planet, despite my size. This was a big step for me. I practiced this by asking people with whom I felt safe what they thought of me. I began by only asking people who I knew loved me and would say good things -- which, at that time, was the means of my survival.

In time this process of being validated by others gave me the courage to finally ask myself, "Who am I? What am I here to do?"

After posing the questions, I would wait to hear what the universe would share with me and then I would record it. So continued the process to reclaim my power. And, through trial and error from my late twenties on, I came to understand that my job on this planet was to be me -- in the most authentic way possible.

Setting the tone for healing

Listening to my good qualities and being acknowledged for my authentic self set the tone for my healing. It was, in fact, my first lesson in receiving. I could receive the feedback from others -- and eventually from myself -- with love. There were also times when it did not feel fun or warm or fuzzy -- and yet I did it anyway. I was committed to finding my truth. I was committed to reclaiming my power. And I did. (Everyone reading this can as well!)

The beautiful thing about this process was to practice receiving. In keeping with one of my life mottos, "in giving, we receive," I could see how my doing this practice with others gave them permission to do it too. It gave them a stronger foundation to look inside and say, Hey, I am ok just as I am. I began to see that regardless of all of the years and extra layers of fat, I was still a good person. And nothing I did to harm myself could take away from my finer qualities.

Will Power and the Revolutionary Shift

Up to this point I felt incapable of having any "will power." Today the idea of will power does not exist in my language as releasing weight and keeping it off. If it were that simple, wouldn't everyone just have will power and be on their merry way? Change is a process and for me, will power is temporary.

The term "will power" is internalized at a very young age and may still hook some of us. It is my experience that will power would not cure me. However, willingness, love, inner peace, community, trust, faith, belief, acceptance, tolerance and patience would and could heal me.

I want to call forth, in all of us, a revolutionary mind shift. Changing our minds requires willingness and inner exploration. Will power works for those of us who work like robots -- so if we are purely scientific about how to change, then yes, will power may work. For those of us who want to feel our way through change, transformation requires more. I vote for a willingness to receive. I vote for feeling and changing OnePinky step at a time.

How about you? How are you processing the experiences of your childhood? How are you able to receive? What is your relationship to will power? How are you changing from the inside out today? And who do you need to call on to support you through this process?

I look forward to hearing from you, Pinkies!