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Overcoming Underdreaming - Part 1

Lissa Rankin's picture

Overcoming Underdreaming

I got the most adorable email from one of my Get Out Of Your Own Way students the other day, and I just had to share it with you.

I just read my Daily Flame email today and at the bottom, you've go a blurb promoting Barbara Stanny's Overcoming Underearning: A Five-Step Plan To A Richer Life.

When I first glanced at it, I read it as Overcoming Underdreaming... interesting :) I just thought I'd share this with you because it seemed so fitting.

Interesting, indeed!  Her email inspired me to write a post for those who want to overcome underdreaming!

Another student, who is trying to decide where in the world she wants to settle down, agreed. “Yeah, I have the same problem. Why can’t I dream of having three home bases?”

Because so many women tend to underdream, I included a whole module in the Get Out Of Your Own Way e-course about how to dream big, but this has brought up some angst from students who say they’re having a hard time dreaming big.

Here’s an excerpt from that module.

7 Barriers That Prevent You From Dreaming Big
  1. You lack practice at dreaming big. Dreaming big is a muscle that must get exercised in order to function properly. If you’ve never let yourself charge, unthrottled, into the fully formed fantasies of your imagination, you’ll wind up fidgeting and coming up empty when you’re invited to dream big.
  2. You lack confidence. You don’t trust your ability to create the life you desire, so you protect yourself by not dreaming.
  3. You’re too practical. You’ve lost your ability to engage in child-like fantasies, a skill we all master as kids and often lose as adults.
  4. You’ve internalized the criticisms of others. If you’re surrounded by people who cut you down, dismiss you, and lack faith in you, it’s no wonder your dreaming big muscle is weak.
  5. You don’t believe you deserve to have your real dreams come true. If you hold limiting beliefs about your worth and value, you will find it very hard to dream big.
  6. You fear failure or the sting of disappointment. If you dream big, you risk having your real dreams fizzle. If your real dreams fizzle, you may get bummed out. So you may avoid dreaming big just to protect yourself from disappointment.
  7. You worry about what everybody will think. If you dream big -- and then you tell everyone, perhaps they’ll shoot you down. They’ll make fun of you. They’ll dismiss your real dreams. They’ll tell you you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough, driven enough. Ouch. No wonder you don’t dream big.

One student said:

I’m afraid to dream big, because what if my dream doesn’t come true? Will I live the rest of my life feeling disappointed?

Recognizing how much resistance people have to dreaming big, I’m inspired to start a whole series about Overcoming Underdreaming!

So I’ll be offering you one tip on how to overcome each of these seven barriers in each post. So here’s your Dreaming Big tip for today from the Get Out Of Your Own Way e-course.

Dreaming Big 1: You lack practice at dreaming big.

Practice makes perfect, baby! The more you dream, the easier it gets. The more you exercise this muscle, the stronger you get. And the more you practice dreaming big, the more you’ll notice that you’re ramping up your real dreams. Get greedy. Pull out all the stops. Give yourself permission to want whatever the hell you want.

Once you start dreaming, find a partner. Speak your dreams out loud. Invite your partner to do the same. Having your dreams witnessed and bearing witness to someone else’s dream is very powerful. If you’re not sure who to choose as your partner, join the Dreaming Big posse in the Owning Pink Posse, where you can meet others who are committed to dreaming big. Send a message to the group, telling them you’d love to find a Dreaming Big partner, and someone will raise their hand and volunteer to skip-to-my-lou off into the sunset with you.

So go now! Start practicing! And for more tips on how to practice dreaming big, sign up for the Get Out Of Your Own Way e-course and join the other students who are skyrocketing to the stratosphere with me!

Encouraging you to practice dreaming big,

Lissa

Lissa Rankin, MD: Founder of OwningPink.comPink Medicine Woman coach, motivational speaker, and author of What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend and Encaustic Art: The Complete Guide To Creating Fine Art With Wax.

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Comments

Lissa Rankin's picture

You're welcome Anna

You don't need fixing. Fixing implies that someone is broken and nobody is ever broken.
With love
Lissa

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Anna's picture

one of the traps for women in 12-step programs

12-step programs have saved my life, yet there are certain ingrained notions that I don't think are necessary for recovery and are even harmful to women who have been abused or are in an abusive relationship.

One concept is that we accept our character defects, our failings, and admit we are the cause of our own misery (by refusing to let our higher power remove our defects of character)

I get that a lot of recovering alcoholic/addicts blame everyone and anyone for their problems, refusing to admit they've messed up. But when I came into the program, I was already totally blaming me, myself, and I for my problems. It was like beating a dead horse. (I don't like to use animal abuse metaphors but I'm too tired to come up with something original at the moment)

I'm sussing out my next article or book or blog topic or whatever, I suppose. When the 12 Steps are causing more distress than they are aliviating or something...who knows? At least one of my tangetial ideas ought to pan out, right?

Lissa Rankin's picture

Anna, yes, you can be YOU here

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for all you've struggled against and I'm so sorry for your loss, even if he/she was abusive...

Much love
Lissa

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Anna's picture

Thank you for acknowledging my loss

Lissa, you are one of only two people who offered sympathy for my spouse's death. It hurts me to think others imagine I am reveling in the death of an opponent, or that I don't care after being divorced a year. You have tremendous insight, and I thank you...and as if you didn't already know, you are on your right path. Very few would have picked up on my need to grieve the loss of the spouse I so raged against. You don't miss much, do you? LOL.

The other woman offering sympathy is a person like Michelle in many ways-- willing to make others angry to get something accomplished...unrelenting worker in the community even though she's well into her 70's, has asthma and heart problems...she puts me to shame with her energy. (But she never shames me!) She's something of a curmudgeon herself, yet, unlike my spouse, she's got her empathy intact. For all her protesting (she was the original grass roots feminist) she's still got friends in the community and family members who visit and love her.

My spouse, due to her mental illness, alienated everyone. My feelings are all over the board on this still, and I'm exhausted mentally and physically, but I have a real sense of moving foward. This is a set-back, I can absorb it into my healing process without shaming myself for needing extra care and attention (which I'm giving myself). It's a tricky balance.

When you are trying to change, I mean...my feelings about myself, other people, the world are shifting and it's hard to pin anything down at the moment. But I think ultimately I'll be grateful I had this time to reflect on my behavior through the years--in and out of marriage--and see how this puzzle we call living an honorable life comes together.

Thanks again for your words...you get to the nut of the issue like no one I've seen before. I feel I'm learning from you, not just in your advice to me, but in your overall presence on this website. How you treat people. I grateful I found Owning Pink.

Anna's picture

thanks

for listening and not trying to fix me. There should be a special award for physicians like yourself who decline the title of M. D.iety.

*slaps forehead* NOoooes! No awards for being human beings! That's the whole point.

(Still, having been surrounded by (at work--I'm an RN) and married to one, and the sister to another, I feel channeled to very quietly award you the 'Namaste is not merely the lastest trendy way to say goodbye' Award.)

Namaste

Anna's picture

Don't judge my insides by my outsides

The narcissistice personality disordered ex-spouse I've been struggling to recover from living with for 20 years died this past Monday, a year after he divorced me.

Going through some old papers, I found a print of an email from 2009 from a newcomer to a 12-step meeting my then-spouse and I attended. The newcomer wrote 'I wonder about you two--you never seem to talk to each other!'

The newcomer was pretty astute. It was around that time I'd stop 'working on' our marriage. Here was my response: 'I can't share with my spouse because he would use any weakness against me. I've been offering my soul to him on a silver platter all these years for him to gobble up, tear apart, devour, spit back out...that's why it's so important for me to build a protective wall around myself when she's around. That's why I can't share honestly from the heart at any AA meeting we both attend...I have to remember she is a scorpion and a scorpion is a scorpion no matter how friendly he can act. He will sting his victim...but I need a wall that can be taken down when I'm among safe friends.'

Then I made the understatement of the century:

'It's very tricky.'

Funny I came across that saved email exchange just now while going through my prescriptions. Not sure why it was there: serendipity doo dah again. Oh, Goddess, it was a fluke I was able to stay on the VA medication program even after my disabled Veteren divorced me...no Medicare plan covers my Humera, which I need for my Rhuematoid arthritis.

This is mixed up. I'm mixed up. I'm dissociating and I'm sorry but if I can't do it here I can't do it anywhere and then I

can't finish that sentence.

Humira costs thousands of dollars a shot and the best plan they offered when I called when first getting divorced was $2,000.00 co-pay per shot. Per weekly shot.

Anna's picture

Freaking pronoun genders

I was married to a male-to-female transsexual. When I tell a story where that doesn't seem relevant it's easier just to say 'he' was my 'husband'. But inevitably a 'she' creeps in there somewhere, leaving a reading scratching her head.

Not sure what to do. I considered taking out one 'l' and pretending 'Michele' was a French male. But this is about authenticity, or what's the point?

I want to, now that I don't have to worry about being sued by Michelle, write the true book I've been wanting to-- for people to understand Dissociative Idendity Disorder and how it is exhaserbated by certain living conditions. Michelle, my spouse, had PTSD from combat in Vietnam. Now again, I have a girl husband. How do I explain how my girl spouse saw combat in Vietnam? So the book also has to to into transsgender issues to some extent.

Then they'll be wondering, well, is the author a lesbian or what? Why would a person physically attracted to women want to change his male body to a female body, so as to live a doubly freaky life...transgendered and lesbian??

Or is it all nonsense now that the diagnosis of narcisisstic personality disorder has been made, or is that entirely seperate from gender issues?

You see why I can't get started on a page? Good lord, please, what do I do? Like Barbara Kingsolver said through one of her characters in The Poisonwood Bible (regarding trying to write to her friends back in America about Africa) 'First you'd have to tell all the names, then you'd have to tell all the names for the names...it's endless...there's not enough words in the world to get it all explained.

Or maybe that's just cause I don't understand it. Yikes. Sorry this isn't even a book forum.

Namaste.

Anna's picture

Freak Flag Fly? I can't Furl Mine if I Wanted to

Last comment, promise. Freak made me think back to your column once on 'letting your freak flag fly'. I was honestly baffled. I'd like to learn the opposite, please. How do I furl my freak flag once in a while? I'd like to 'pass' as NORMAL now and then. It ain't all it's cracked up to be, this freak thing. Careful what you wish for.

It was fairly cool, however, reading how some of you actually ENVY what you imagine my life is like. Gave me a good ROTFL anyway, so thanks. Well, maybe being a freak isn't so bad. It's only taken me 48 years to have no dependents (except 3 furry ones), no spouse to answer to, no boss, no timeclock, a government check I have to literally do nothing to recieve. in fact if I am caught doing something they will take my check away. Like what if I publish ONE book. Get ONE year's worth of a high income. They cut me off. Say I'm capable of earning a living.

Then I starve because a miracle can happen once, but TWICE? With fibromyalgia, RA, EBV, etc etc I'm legitimately terrified of success-- moderate success means no guaranteed income. I will have to wear myself down so bad to make that success happen I'll be in bed for months...with no income because now I'm capable of supporting myself--as a WRITER...ROTFL... What's wrong with this system? No wonder there are 'welfare queens' (there aren't, really but there SHOULD be. It's a Catch-22 otherwise). Thank goddess I have no children to worry about.

Lissa Rankin's picture

Oh good Mary!

No need to limit your imagination! Dream big while simultaneously being grateful for what you have. It's the magic combination!

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Mary's picture

Thankyou!

You know I had not realized that I was not dreaming big enough until I read this post. Why is it that I can imagine having a maid come to my house once a week for two hours, but can't dream about having a personal chef? Or two mansions that I don't have to clean because I have a full time housekeeper? I keep limiting myself to what I might be able to afford with just a little more money. I am going to go fantasize about my big dreams now.

Anna's picture

thwack!

dreamers get thwacked on the head the moment they peep their eyes above the rest of the prarie dogs. strutting your stuff is DANGEROUS. It will be taken from you. Or devalued. If you're a girl. I have the soft skull to prove it.

Anonymous's picture

I agree

I see many of these crop up in my life. I think I'd also add not trusting others will see in me what I do.

Michelle's picture

Anonymous, what does it

Anonymous, what does it matter to you what others see in you? If they don't see you, love you, and accept you for who you really are, then why should their opinion of you matter?

When you love yourself, you surround yourself by others who love and accept you for who you are. And if they don't, then do you really need their negativity in your life, trying to bring you down to their level so they can seemingly feel better about themselves?

When you comment on an Owning Pink blog post, we invite you to be authentic and loving, to say what you feel, to hold sacred space so others feel heard, and to refrain from using hurtful or offensive language. Differing opinions are welcomed, but if you cannot express yourself in a respectful, caring manner, your comments will be deleted by the Owning Pink staff.