Judgment: the dictionary defines it as “the ability to . . . make a decision, or form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely, esp. in matters affecting action; good sense.” But for many of us, judgment is anything but objective and wise. It’s instead about anger or fear: will my friends judge me for this?Will my partner or mother? Am I judging myself for my thoughts and actions? The word ‘judgment’ frequently carries deeply negative connotations.

And yet humans are by nature judgmental! Our powers of logic and discernment are what got us to where we are, evolutionarily speaking. But the self-doubt and hatred associated with our social judgment – that’s not serving any purpose except to pit us again each other and ourselves.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

The recent overturn of the military’s Don’t Ask Don’t Tell shed a lot of light on my own relationship with judgment. As many of you already know, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was the military’s policy of not asking and not allowing soldiers to make explicit their sexual orientation. If a soldier was discovered to be gay, he or she would have to leave service.

What made me crazy about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was how it institutionalized judgment, its condoning some lifestyles as acceptable and others as not. That someone could lose his or her job based on sexual orientation disturbed me deeply.

Thankfully it was overturned, but I was still left emotional. My anger towards those who supported this policy was a personal paradox. I am a life coach and Body Image mentor and have devoted my life to helping women free themselves from the negative thought patterns I myself had fallen into over the years. Exploring my thoughts around Don't Ask Don't Tell became a perfect opportunity for me to personally explore how to deal with judgmental thoughts.

How can I disagree with a policy and act to change it without judging those on the opposite side? And how can I carry this experience over into my everyday life?

How can I evaluate others, and especially myself, without judgment?

1. Recognize Judgment

There are no easy answers, however, the first step is awareness and acceptance. Be able to recognize that voice of judgment, and accept it as part of being human. We may never be able to banish judgment from our repertoire, but we can learn to recognize it and work on letting it go before it consumes us.

Notice tendencies to judge others. Perhaps we subconsciously physically evaluate other women throughout the day, comparing ourselves to them, or maybe we silently criticize a coworker’s proposal. Do your best to recognize when you have these thoughts. And please don’t judge yourself in the meantime! That is, instead of beating yourself up when you realize you’re having negative thoughts, congratulate yourself on being able to recognize them at all.

2. Recognize the Self-Critic

Even harder than recognizing how we judge others is recognizing how we judge ourselves. The self-critic, the little voice in the back of our heads telling us we aren’t good enough, is especially hard to quiet because it feels like she’s an inescapable part of us. But the good news is – she’s not. There’s another part of our minds that hears what she says and can, eventually, quiet her (if not silence her). Use that part! Rather than letting those negative thoughts creep in, greet them at the door and . . .

Make a list of your common negative judgments. I have all my students do this as part of a lesson on negative self-talk in my Body Image Mastery course. Actually writing them down will help you face exactly what it is you think, and then will make those thoughts more recognizable next time they arise.

3. Think Happy Thoughts!

Ok, so maybe we can't fly like Peter Pan, but turning negative judgments into positive thoughts will make us happier people (something I think we can all agree we want!).

List the things that are good in your life. For example, if you find yourself judging your partner for his obsessive love of sports, make note of the times that he is thoughtful, generous, or compromises to make you happy. The next time you find yourself getting upset as he watches a football game, pull out that list. Having the positives right there in front of you can remind you to let go of the annoyances.

List the things you love about yourself. Come on, I know you can think of at least 10 things you love and/or appreciate about yourself. These thoughts are especially important when the self-critic shows up. Use this list to turn those self-doubts into affirmations.

4. Practice Makes Positive

I’ve been working to apply these practices to my aforementioned feelings on military policy. Instead of focusing on my anger and disagreement with the policy and its backers, I concentrate instead of the opportunities democracy affords me – what politicians can I call, what rallies can I attend, how can I make my voice heard in a productive way to affect change. Rather than waste my energy despising lawmakers who tried to uphold Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, I focus my energy on being thankful for and supportive of judges such as Virginia Phillips.

Who knows, perhaps someday I’ll be able to watch Fox News in a state of total serenity! Some day.

How do you keep negative judgments at bay? How do you handle disagreements respectfully and calmly? How do you turn your self-critic down and your self-love up? Please comment away or email me at Laura@OnePinky.com. Your voice matters.

Laura Fenamore, CPCC, is a Body Image Mastery Coach and Mentor, and creator of OnePinky.com. You are all invited to www.OnePinky.com to sign up for Laura's Body Image Checklist which is a wonderful tool to get you started on having a body you really respect and like a lot.