“I have no money.” “My house is a mess.” “My kid is struggling in school.”

You know what all those statements are? They’re all thoughts I’ve had. Each is different, but they’re all likely to create similar feelings of failure. What happens when you feel like a failure? If you’re anything like me, you often do something that’s going to create more of the same thoughts or feelings and pretty dismal results, like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I talk a lot about Byron Katie’s revolutionary process, the Work, for turning around stressful thoughts. I’ve found, though, that it works best for stressful thoughts that stem from judgments we have about others, thoughts like: “My husband doesn’t really love me.” “My boss puts too much pressure on me.” “My kids don’t appreciate me.”

Circumstances are neutral, but our judgments about them are not

But the stress that comes when we look at our circumstances—the circumstances that aren’t related to how someone else has treated us—often require a different tool. That’s because it can feel like it’s the circumstancethat’s creating the distress.

But it’s not true. All circumstance really areneutral, and it’s important not to confuse them with “reality.” So, today I want to share another revolutionary process that’s designed to help you with those seemingly intractable circumstances.  

In her amazing book Self-Coaching 101, Brooke Castillo does a fantastic job of breaking down any stressful thought into components that can be investigated in order to find a better-feeling thought. Doing this helps you create more powerful actions that will likely yield better outcomes.

How to stop a negative thought in its tracks

The components consist of the circumstance, the thought about the circumstance, the resulting feeling, the action and the result. Very often people are not even aware of the circumstance – which, again, is completely neutral – that is creating the negative thought. The negative thought feels automatic, but it’s not, and this process helps you make that more conscious and clear.

Here are the questions Brooke asks from one of the worksheets in her book. And luckily, she is very generous with her process, and encourages reprinting (but, of course, just wants the credit). You can download all of her worksheets here.

• What is the circumstance?__________________________________

• What thought does the circumstance trigger?___________________

• What do you feel when you think this thought?__________________

• How do you act when you feel this way?_______________________

• What is the result of this action?_____________________________

• How does the result prove the original thought?_________________

• What is a better feeling thought to choose concerning this

So let’s look at the statements I used at the beginning of this article:

“I have no money.” Again, that’s a thought. But what’s the circumstance? I have $2.12 in my bank account? Okay, now look for a better-feeling thought about that circumstance. How about, “I’ve already paid my rent this month, so I have a place to live.” “I’m getting paid on Thursday.” “I start teaching the weekend class soon and I’ll have more income.” “I can sell some of my stuff I don’t love or need and make some extra money.” Then all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so hopeless, you don’t seem so powerless, and you are ready to take action. You eat from your cupboards for a few days, you create the flyer to publicize the class, and you put the chair or the bass guitar on Craig’slist.

“My house is a mess.” What’s the circumstance? Dishes in the sink, clothes piled on the floor, dust bunnies rolling through the house like tumbleweeds? Find your better-feeling thought: “Even though I didn’t clean up after, I made dinner instead of going out.” “I’m still wearing clean underwear.” “No one ever died from an attack of dust bunnies.” Then suddenly your inner critic is no longer talking so loudly about your failure, and you can think straight enough to say, “I will set the timer for 15 minutes and see if I can make a dent in those dishes/clean clothes/dust bunnies.”

"My kid is struggling in school." What’s the circumstance? His teacher said he doesn’t want to sit quietly during “circle time.” So find your better-feeling thought. “I’m sure we can find something he likes to do during that time, so he is engaged and not disrupting the class.” Then suddenly you’re focused on the solutions for how everyone can get their needs met.

Whenever I share this process with my friends or family or clients they always act like they’ve been given a tall glass of cold water on a hot day. All of a sudden they gethow they are creating their stress with their thoughts and how they truly have a choice – and a process -- by which they can feel better. They can finally appreciate the great quote from Mark Twain, “I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." 

What thoughts could you change right now to break free from stress?

If you literally want to be handed a cool drink of water on a hot day, I hope you’ll  join me at the Fuel Your Life from Spirit Retreat this June. Just click here to find out more.