A few weeks ago I had the privilege of taking a three hour walk along the San Francisco waterfront with the legendary artist/author/visionary SARK (Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy) and talking about her fabulous Dream Boogie workshop (more on that below). As two PAWs (her word for “Powerful Ass Women”) sharing stories, we were relating our challenges with fame.

I was telling her I had a hard time establishing boundaries between myself and my fans, and I had a tendency to over-nurture at the expense of my own health, peace, relationships, and sanity. After giving a lecture on the public speaking circuit, I’d be exhausted and depleted, and yet, when someone who followed me on Owning Pink or had read my book approached me after my talk, I’d drop everything to hug her, answer her litany of questions, and coach her towards a happier life. And then I’d break down because, as outgoing as I am, at my core, I’m an introvert. Being around other people drains me. I replenish my energy by being alone.

Susan said, “You’re like me -- the cosmic tit.”

The what?

I giggled.

She went on to describe how she used to go to book readings, and after she spoke, 100 people would line up to hug her. And she hated it. As a highly sensitive empath, every hug overwhelmed her with that person’s individual energy, perfume smells, physical touch, and emotional baggage. It’s not that she’s not an infinitely loving person -- she is. But the hugging got to her. She would leave her book readings sucked dry and resentful.

Then her therapist told her, “It’s because you’re the cosmic tit. They’re just doing what you invited them to do -- cozy right up to you and nurse from your boob.”

And Susan realized she was right.

Her therapist challenged her to think about someone an audience wouldn’t dream of just lining up and hugging. She instantly thought of Maya Angelou, whose regal presence commands a level of distance and respect Susan admired. Her therapist suggested that perhaps she change what she was putting out into the world. Become more like Maya.

So she did.

The next time she did a book reading, she finished by saying, "I know many of you are feeling like hugging me right now, so let me just give you all a virtual hug from up here on stage. And then I’d like to ask that you not hug me afterwards. I’d love to sign your books, but I need a little space please.”

She only had to do that twice. After that, people just stopped even trying to hug her. It’s as if she flipped some cosmic switch, and suddenly, her breast belonged to her again.

I asked if her fans got pissed off, and she said no. In fact, people approached her and thanked her for establishing clear boundaries, asking for what she needed, and inspiring them to do the same.

Setting boundaries with love

Especially as women, people often just take what they need from us without asking. We’re groped by lustful men, nursed by needy children, and sucked dry by demanding bosses. Yet, because we love and because we’re givers, we forget that allowing ourselves to become depleted not only puts our health at risk but compromises our ability to give to those we do want to lift up.

Cutting off the milk supply so she could give and still wind up replenished infuses Susan with more creative juice, which she pours into her incredible art, writing, workshops, and speaking. And she still adores her community, and they adore her.

I came away from our walk freaking inspired.

This stuff is hard for me. Because I genuinely love all of the people I help. And I’m blessed with many gifts that make me able to help many. It almost feels like this sacred contract I’ve made with the Divine. You gave me all these talents, so because I get to be gifted at many things, I’ll give until it hurts, even if I wind up broken.

What am I expecting? A merit badge? A free ride into heaven? Sheesh.

Before I went on my book tour, my friend and mentor Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen said, “Lissa, you’re about to learn that you can stand in a room in front of 1000 people and genuinely love every single one of them without ever having met them.” And she was absolutely right. The reason public speaking comes so naturally to me is because I’m actually speaking to every single individual in the room straight from my heart. The upside is that everyone in the room feels seen and loved. The downside is the cosmic tit. Because I crack my heart wide open -- on Owning Pink, in my talks, in workshops, in coaching sessions, in my books -- people feel free to just sidle up to me, give me a hug, and ask for whatever I have that they feel they need. And why shouldn’t they? Energetically, I invite them to do exactly that.

Overcrowded energy

My chat with Susan flashed me back to the intuitive reading I had with Caroline Bobart when she told me my energy field was overflowing with the energy of other people.

Caroline said:

Your aura is a playground. You have people hanging out of your windows, overflowing from your balcony. Because your aura gets so crowded with the energy of other people, you tend to get out of your body, which makes your body feel a little foreign to you. Other people tend to seek their own grounding through your space, and you’ve unconsciously tried to organize it into your space. You want others to feel safe in your space, yet it’s hard to manage energy that is not your own.

Why do others crowd your aura? It’s an exchange you’ve agreed upon. “I’ll give you warmth and safety if you’ll validate me. From early on, I’ll love you, but you need to see me.” You fear not being seen. So you invite others to enter your aura, because they make you feel seen, validated. Because of this, your personal space has become community space. You need to reclaim your personal space, so you can continue to create and channel this energy from the astral realms. Reclaiming your personal space will help you better serve others, because you will become more grounded. And you will invite others to ground their own energy in something more expansive -- in Owning Pink -- an energetic space big and free enough to allow the energy of others to flourish.

You need to tell people the community center is down the street. There, they can spread out, feel safe, and you’ll come visit from time to time. But get them out of your aura. It needs to be just yours.

That’s me. The cosmic tit.

But not anymore.

From this day forth, I am going to start establishing boundaries. I am not going to feel bad when I say no to those who want to meet me for tea. I am not going to answer every question people ask me after lectures. I am going to be loving and generous, but less available to meet every need someone has. I am going to build some boundaries, maybe for the first time ever.

Because I have big things I want do with my life. And I need to be free of the energy of other people. I need to own my aura. I need to be ALL LISSA, ALL THE TIME without muddying who I am.

And because of this, some people will call me a bitch. Some will think I’ve gotten too big for my britches. Some will get their feelings hurt and some will project icky stuff onto me because I shut off access to the cosmic tit. 

But I can’t worry about that. Because if I’m meant to grow the way I know I’m meant to grow, I need to do it alone. I can’t be sucking off someone else’s boob, and I can’t be the milk farm for the world.

Sigh…(*tears*)

So please support me in my journey. And if you’re nodding and crying right now because you’re a cosmic tit too, I invite you to put a closed sign on the milk bar.

Because you’re a Powerful Ass Woman, and you’re here to do big things in the world. And if you don’t get out of your own way and reclaim your energetic space, you won’t be able to find and fulfill your calling. Instead, you’ll live one of those lives of quiet desperation. And that would be heartbreaking.

So I see you. I love you. And I know you love me too.

But let’s ground into the earth, where infinite energy can fill us up and we won’t have to depend on each other for nourishment because we already have all that we need to have all that we want. Period.

You in?

Reclaiming my aura and encouraging you to do the same,

Lissa

PS: Dream Boogie with SARK is a FABULOUS eight-week program, online and on the phone, designed to help you harness your juicy ideas and make your dreams really happen. Susan says, "I've designed Dream Boogie with SARK to be a fabulous, sparkly dream disco, where your dream can let loose and become REAL in your dazzling dance from dreaming to DOing. We're going to have a blast!" For more information, including the deets on a FREE teleclass TONIGHT -- May 3 -- click HERE.

PPS: Susan also told me to read Donna Eden’s Energy Medicine, so I will. And I’ll report back. So stay tuned.