"I need to talk. During sex," he said.
"Okay..." I said. That was fine with me.
"I mean, I have to talk. A lot. Like the whole time."
I was listening.
"I have ADD. The only way my mind stays focused, and in the moment, is if I can keep talking."
"The whole time?" I asked. I wasn't sure what that even looked like.
"Yes." He looked me squarely in the eye, and said "yes" in that deep, growly voice. I very rarely can say "I went weak in the knees" but I could apply that here. Yes. Sure. Anything.
I nodded. I was game.
At first it was awkward. I didn't know how I was going to keep a running dialogue.
I started by narrating, step-by-step, exactly what we were doing.
"I'm running my hand down your arm. I'm squeezing your bicep. I'm turning around now..."
“Do you like my body?” He had a beautiful body. “I love it. You’re so toned and sculpted," I said, sliding my hands down the ripples in his back. "You must work out a lot."
It got easier. There was a flow and a rhythm to it after a while. Even though I thought I was good at expressing myself verbally in bed, this forced me to get even better. I had to push past my own discomfort of feeling silly or being unsure.
It didn't matter at all.
Just the act of me speaking and keeping him engaged was riveting to him.
By forcing myself to keep talking throughout the act—almost constantly—it kept the flow of energy going between us. I was able to reveal my deepest feelings, emotionally. It became way easier to identify what I wanted and ask for it, physically.
I saw how this vocalizing opened up our sex life. I began to get wet just from talking to him over the phone. About anything. His voice was now a trigger for my body and psyche to open.
And then something amazing happened.
I had an orgasm just from the sound of his voice. There was no sexual touch. My body had become so responsive to his voice, that it went straight there.
His voice became like his cock: fierce, relentless and penetrating. It was another tool to pry me open.
Force yourself to keep talking in bed. Even if it feels awkward at first (and it probably will), commit to doing it. For me, I had to in order to maintain a relationship with that person.
For you, the stakes may not seem as high, but they actually are.
One of the top issues I deal with in couples is the inability to express themselves—in and out of bed.
Communication is the foundation of everything between you.
I've spoken a lot about sharing emotionally. This is another dimension—to keep that channel open when you are sexually intimate.
Verbalizing all that is inside you will take your relationship to an entirely different level. It will blend the multiple dimensions of your connection, amplifying the power of each.
Start today. Or tonight. Force yourself to narrate. To say exactly how something feels. To ask for where you want your lover's hand. Or mouth. Or eyes.
Then you'll truly grasp the importance of being oral.
How comfortable do you feel expressing yourself in bed?
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