For once, I did nothing but allow him to pleasure me. On his gentle insistance, I relaxed into his embrace and let go of the mental static that usually accompanied making love. Each time those all to familiar gremlins of fear, anxiety or self-consciousness made me tense, my lover knew exactly what to do. Lips and hands brought me back to the one magic moment. Kisses said, your skin is warm and delicious. Eyes glowed, you are perfect the way you are. Husky voice murmured, accept this gift.
Yes, my body answered. For the first time in my life, making love felt like a prayer.”
You can. It’s a matter of learning this simple practice to turn up the heat & make your love life sizzle. The first step is remembering that making love is how adults play, express affection and connect to one another. Far too often, it becomes a chore instead. If you would like to revitalize your love and create deeper intimacy, there are practices that can help.
You may have even stumbled upon this ‘secret’ on your own and never knew it had a name or that throves of couples are practicing this simple practice. What is it and how does it work? It’s called Karezza or non-orgasmic sex, and it’s a mindfulness practice that invites you to succumb to the sensations of pleasure. Can you create deeper intimacy for two by purposefully being present to ecstasy rather than orgasm?
Your body is built for pleasure. Your mind gets in the way. It’s time to become your own Courtesan again. How? Simply by receiving. Relax into your natural state of receptivity and allow ecstasy to flow into your awareness as your senses take over and desire is inspired…
Wait! You say that sounds dangerous, foreign and forbidden. Religion teaches us something else altogether with sins of the flesh, etc. If you want another take on how to get dogma out of your bedroom, read here. For the moment, consider that your disconnect from your body is an artificial split. After all, did the divine make our bodies and let the devil take charge of our sex organs? Did the divine give us eyes to see, ears to hear, lips to taste and hands to touch…only for the experiences we are built to have to be something to fear?
Our anxiety about sexual pleasure expands beyond belief. In an achievement-focused world, you feel the need to excel. Performance anxiety sets in and goals become the main focus. The journey within and towards experiencing the joys in the beautiful natural worlds within and around us are thwarted. Goals may matter; the journey matters more.
What should be our nature — to float gently in the pleasure of each caress, each nibble, each tactile sensation that reminds us of our somatic natures and desirability — instead feels foreign, freaky or forbidden. The result? The pressures of the boardroom have contaminated the enchantment of the bedroom. Yes, orgasm matters…and the journey to get there matters even more to your sense of wellness, happiness and wholeness.
Physical intimacy builds stronger bonds. The problem becomes that orgasm – with all its benefits to the body, heart and soul – can often be experienced as a target, rather than a delicious sensation on the continuum of making love. Sometimes, just sometimes, it is not the transcendent experience to which we should be reaching. That is because, in the pursuit of sexual release, we build up ‘solitary’ tension. During orgasm, you are all alone, ‘getting off.’ Yes, orgasm is a wonderful experience and when we climax, we briefly connect to our primordial, secret sensual selves. Still, orgasm is a private place, no matter how many people are in bed with you.
If orgasm comes less readily, you may judge yourself as flawed or focus and try to hard. Performance anxiety sets in. When you try so hard to cross the finish line, you miss the beautiful surroundings that beckon you to slow down, gazing into your lover’s face, and feeling the presence of something greater that reveals itself as your bodies bond as one.
What about forgetting about orgasm for a moment. This practice has many names and one of them is Karezza. First introduced at the turn of the last century, practitioners remark about how much slow sex emphasizes bonding behaviors and enhance intimacy. The reason goes back to how our brains respond to them. When we are generous with our partners, touching, grooming or making eye contact for example, we help create the chemistry that encourages bonding.
Bonding behaviors activate ancient neural circuitry in the brain, specifically the amygdala, a region that serves as an emotional relay center. Nurturing touch, caring that is genuinely selfless, or holding one another in stillness after a long day, seem to calm the brain down and cascade the brain with the neurochemicals (like oxytocin) that help lovers feel relaxed and loving.
Call it lazy, call it slow, call it Karezza…or call this way of making love creative chemistry for couples. Sexual intimacy that forgoes the bumping and grinding of orgasm can bring a more relaxed passion back into your sex life. It may sound paradoxical (more than a few clients have struggled before becoming converts to the idea) and yet it really can improve your sense of pleasure and play.
Tinamarie is a Natural Intimacy & Libido Expert for Women.
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