Recently I read the blog post, “The Life Cycle of a Visionary,” by Lissa and it totally blew me away.  It blew me away for two reasons, one because it felt like truth and two because I realized I was on step four (out of five). 

My Rupture

Step one of the journey is referred to as The Rupture.  For some this is something dramatic and even devastating.  For me it was a bit subtler, but pushed me somewhere new nonetheless.  In 2007 I was a stay-at-home-mom to an eighteen month old and a three year old.  I had left my teaching career when my first daughter was born and moved to Florida where a teacher’s salary just wasn’t enough to pay for two kids in daycare.  My plan was to return to teaching when my girls were of school age.  One day as I dropped my oldest off at preschool, I decided to ask about joining the staff there the following year when my youngest would enroll.  I spoke with the director and after I left the meeting I literally felt sick to my stomach.  It was the first moment I knew that I didn’t want to return to teaching.  I had spent five years getting my degree and five years in the classroom and I no longer wanted it.  It was definitely a rupture.

My Retreat

After having this realization, I made a big shift in my life.  New ideas, like the Law of Attraction, arrived in my awareness and I began to study and explore.  I read at least two self-help/spiritual books a week.  I attended meditation workshops, yoga retreats, women’s groups, and found a Unity church to attend.  I stopped hanging out with friends and talked on the telephone a lot less.  I stopped watching TV and began a daily meditation practice.  I was on a spiritual journey and was soaking it all up like a sponge.  When I finally came up for air, life was different, some relationships were lost and nearly all of them had been altered, but I knew what I wanted to do.

My Mission

Along the way I remembered how much I loved to write and I began to do it again.  I wrote articles, essays, and even a novel.  When I’d share my story with others very often people would tell me I was inspiring.  A few people even began to write their own stories after hearing about mine.  I felt immense joy for giving that gift to others; for planting seeds that led them to do something exciting.  That is what I felt (and feel) my mission is, to use my writing talent to inspire others. 

My Disciplined Action

I set a goal to be a published author and I went to work on it.  Since 2007 I have written four novels and have maintained a regular blog since 2009.  I’ve blogged in other places and been published in local magazines.  I have also managed to reel in an agent for one of my novels, which will be the first in a Young Adult series.  I have worked very hard over the years to get where I am: at the precipice of my big break. 

But for some months now I have been in a holding pattern, waiting and waiting some more for my agent to find a publisher.  I’m circling the sky and I can see the runway, but the Universe just hasn’t given me permission to land.  As I ponder what it is that needs to shift, one idea comes to mind: Loving what is. 

I think surrender is important at this point and part of surrender is being happy with everything just as it is right now.  But more than that, I think I need to be happy with me, just as I AM right NOW.  My final hurdle is self-love.  Right now, I am constantly thinking of how I’ll feel when I reach some obscure goal in the future.  I’ll love myself when:

• I lose 20 pounds.
• I get a book deal.
• I make my family proud.
• I get more readers, fans, friends.
• I “make it” financially.
• I become a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend…
• I am enlightened.

I know that all of this is just holding me back.  I want to love myself in this moment without any of the above.  I believe it is possible, though I’m not exactly sure the steps one is supposed to take to finally and truly love themselves.  All that I can ask is that the divine in me will guide me to that place. 

What about you?  What step are you on in the life cycle of a visionary?  Do you have advice to offer on self-love?